Oh dear, jika dua orang memang benar-benar saling menyukai satu sama lain. Itu bukan berarti mereka harus bersama saat ini juga. Tunggulah di waktu yang tepat, saat semua memang sudah siap, maka kebersamaan itu bisa jadi ‘hadiah’ yang hebat untuk orang-orang yang bersabar.

Sementara kalau waktunya belum tiba, sibukkanlah diri untuk terus menjadi lebih baik, bukan dengan melanggar banyak larangan. Waktu dan jarak akan menyingkap rahasia besarnya, apakah rasa suka itu semakin besar, atau semakin memudar.

Can't say it (after all we've been through)

Wait. We've been through nothing. Hahahaha. I still can't believe that I'm falling for someone beyond my reach and just feeling them is numbing. Who am I to you? I'm much less than that girl you see everyday, but I'm sure I'm more than acquaintance. I know you know me, but that's it. It's crazy. It's not everyday I get to see you and it's driving me even more insane. And the thing is... I'm doing nothing. I know, it's my choice for not being too crystal and keeping the whole ride for myself, but man. Call me stupid, but this feeling is eating me.

I feel like running away. No, I wish I had never met you. You had me and yes, I'm still wishing I had never met you. It's incredible what one meeting can do, and what it affects the next meeting(s). Was it even my choice that I fell for you? I don't really remember. This insanity has been going on for more than five months now, so what, you can call it love rather than infatuation? I feel so funny, all dizzy and stupid inside just thinking about you. You know one's saying that if you picture it, it might never happen? Yeah, I'm kinda doing it so somehow my brain will get transmissions that It might never happen. That I should stop committing to one feeling and just shoot. Free, be me. Or should I say that I kept shooting myself, hoping for new grounds yet I kept finding myself walking to you? Should I say that I'm just too tired? What's the point of being free if you feel like your feeling is eating yourself? Should I tell you? Should I not? The whole ballad is unnerving and I wish I had a time machine. Or a future vision. So I'd know what to do and what not to do. They also said that love is friendship on fire. I don't even think we're in a thing called 'friendship'.

What if I had never met you? I would still be mellow? I prefer that than this super crazy coaster. Or that sad, tragic ride. I'd take anything but this.

I'd take any ride, but not this.

This is not going to work.

Sometimes I just don't know why I developed things that just don't belong. Like this. It's obvious that it's impossible to heaven and back, it's not something that can just happen nor does it is a miracle.

I guess feelings are just flames and we are the person with a bucket of water in one hand, and another  with huge shit to dump in, just to make the flame bigger. My mood is a freaking swing and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Not working much? Yeah.

But in better days, I hopelessly enjoy being in love. It's that building of anticipation, the way I can feel my cheek blushes, the heart throb and the shaky hands and jelly knees and things. It's that automatic pull of your smiling muscles and suddenly you're grinning ear to ear over a beep on your phone. The one that says 'Haha'. It's something to look forward to everyday. "I wish he had seen that stupid ad!" "HILARIOUS! God, I wish he's here to enjoy it with me." or that stupid hope that somehow he'd be standing in front of the bookshelves in Aksara or grocery shopping in Farmers, when I know very well he didn't go to those places. The other reasons I go to those places.

He's a distraction and a stupid choice to fall in love with. 

At least I'd remember myself turning seventeen in a good way: Being in love. Or shall I say... Drunk on love?

P.S. Yeah, being in love doesn't help me with the writings. I guess falling in love makes you stupider.

P.P.S. Four days to go, man. Four.

*insert sarcastic laugh here*

I've been so lazy updating my blog, I know. My bad. I'm so busy wrecking my phone (one big scratch recently, I ought to buy a cute casing, god I can't pick) and scheduling (and rescheduling) my class shooting schedule. I've been studying... not. I got 60% on my math test and IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I PROMISE YOU (you know it is, I'm just so... You know, me). 

UPDATES!

I changed my username(s) to sashbrina. It's the (crazy) abbreviation of Sidharta Alfiaputri Sh(a)brina. Lose the a because sashabrina is weird. It sounds like my nickname is 'Sasha' and let's just say my weird name is being civilised better at this point. My name is too diplomatic and serious. Oh my god I'm bragging.

I got my Ivanovic Jersey! Thanks for Ken to buying it for me (my money, his effort). Eternally grateful.

Errrmmm, what. I thought I feel more excited this week than ever. OH! Erin came in to my English class and we played a lot of games and I'm having crazy fun at EF. Not just fun. Crazy fun. This is what you get when your teacher is Erin. I'm also happy for understanding matrix and suku banyak today at my tuition. I know I'm sleepy as hell when listening to the teacher explaining me about how to divide and add and relating to algebra and all stuff, but when you FINALLY understand what he's talking about, man... Heaven is suddenly on earth. 

Anyway. #instadaily (Even I don't use that hashtag in my useless shots lol)

And this badboy picture made it to @jansport_id, WOHOO! Cheers for us, biw!

And just for old time and fun sake, 9 People You Become After A Breakup. Number six, uh-huh.

Christmas Eve!

Usually I am already landed in my hometown and googling fun (yet educative) Christmas games on my laptop (IT'S BEEN A YEAR+, MACBOOK PRO! IT'S BEEN A YEAR+ OF YOU AND ME!) for all of my cousins to play and it hurts me how they really manoeuvre well with my trackpad customisation and everything. It took me a while when teaching this to adults but with them, it's just seconds away! I missed them so much, I should drop in for a visit in the next term break. One of the things I like to remember during Christmas is how long and far I've got in this year. Like a milestone? Sometimes there are progress, sometimes I'm just the pure old me. But I saw massive progress this year and the last thing that needs massive progress is the length of my hair. God, I love you so much and I know you'll always hear me but please, grant me my old hair length! I feel so crappy in this hair length and the way it flops down sadly on my head is sickening. It's like, the most flat hair you'll ever find. Volumising shampoo? I wish Guarana Berry shampoo on Body Shop still exist. 

Anyway I opened thecollegefashion.net (yes, I know it's still early for me to be checking out college fashion blogs but it really inspires me to speed up time and fast forward on when I'd be going to college... Outside Indonesia!) and this post ruined/made my day. I really want to spend my shopping money for new lacquers but the Pare trip will took almost twenty-four hours /on land/ so it will be super exhausting and I need books to fill the empty times in. Feeling like reading 'the girl with...' trilogy (is it a trilogy or is it a four books-logy?) or Jack Kerouac's On The Road or ANYTHING. I feel like trying Haruki Murakami but I'm still afraid it's too intense for me. If there's Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, I am sure I will buy those.

Still excited of Chelsea's 8-0 win against Aston Villa last night. Mushy mushy my baby Ivanovic for scoring one, excellent goal and loads of gratitude to the effin good looking Lucas Piazon! He really is good looking, isn't he. And Lampard, please don't go I'm pleading!

[pictures? Not mine. Taken from @Soal_Chelsea and @Kabar_Chelsea]

I've packed a bunch of things for Pare and now that I will be bringing the laptop and the internet connection while Amel will be bringing her camera, let's just say that I will be posting bunch of photos of Pare in here later.

Deep Questions (or, at least I think so)

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

When they are telling you how they feel. People are damn scary and what they say now will not be the same later. 

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?

Because of the rope-pulling thingy! They kept playing (or messing?) around with the number of people and the sexes and they kept doing rematches because the ground was slippery, it was hot, my skin was burning and everything just lost themselves for a moment. Still feel the same? Nah. But I'm still pissed off with some people;)

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?

Mom. That I'm going to die and I love her and please finance all my debts and fix me a proper Javanese burial. Anyway, what am I doing in Honolulu to Chicago at the first place?

4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?

I won't tell them. Do good deeds, donate my stuffs, pay up my debts, pay up my shaum debts, pray. I will be afraid to death, literally, but death is the one of the most inevitable things in life so...

5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.

Trust. Even though when you love, you trust, you can't built an entire corporation and work relationship by love.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?

I'd call 911 to save the dog. 

7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?

Hurt by the one I love the most. At some time, the pain will go away.

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?

Walk away. From him and the friendship. Some people are just better be our friends, and I learnt enough that falling in love with a best friend is never easy.

9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?

I'd do it. Because her friends miss her so much.

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

NO. Believe me. I'm loud, obnoxious, sassy, stupid, ugly, I gave zero help but blurt out too much, et cetera et cetera. 

11. Does love = sex?

No. It's so much more than sex but I wish I can explain what love is. Wait. No one can.

12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?

Yes. With the longer working experience I had, I maybe can seek other position in other companies. 

13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?

I don't know, several months ago? It was a friend of mine. I don't remember the words but I do remember feeling anxious typing it on my keyboard.

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?

Telling them that you do not love them back. That hurts.

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?

The future. BECAUSE IT'S THE FUTURE.

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?

The last two post! It was my classmates.

17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?

Last month? Can we make it the last year? Because falling in love sucks!

18.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?

Mom, of course. Either Mom or the Hulk. Same power to me.

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?

No. Because I'm way too prejudiced, I'd say.

21.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?

My grandmother hahahaha because she's annoying. No. Because the baby still has so much to live on while my grandmother, well, she has been to anywhere at any condition so life has been so good for her.

22. Are you old fashioned?

Yes. 

23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?

Don't remember. But doing good things and expect something in return is not doing good things. It's like, decoy goodness.

24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?

True love with a guarantee of a broken heart. The pain will go away.

25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?

Marry young! It's not like I am kebelet kawin or anything but I think it's nice when you have someone to come home to. A tiring day in the office, finished off with a cup of vanilla tea and exchanging stories? Sehr super!

Recent Happenings

Hello, I'm the w@#$% in the movie. Hello, my name is Diva, and I'm the knight's falling star.

#1. My beloved class XI IPA-3 has chosen the novel to be filmed as our Bahasa Indonesia movie assignment. I got the 'Diva' role and boy, is she hard to play. Reuben is right, she has too much contradictions. But I believe I can do it! Especially when I get to write my own dialogs and lines. Life is be-au-tiful.

#2. I've been cooking lately and my latest 'stir' was caisim with beef in oyster sauce. Howtos?

Ingredients:

1. Caisim, obviously.

2. Some meat, cut into thin pieces.

3. 4 cloves of garlic, finely chopped.

4. 3 tsp of soy sauce.

5. 1 tbsp of oyster sauce.

6. Salt and pepper.

7. Some oil.

How?

First, wash the caisim and cut them into halves; the hard stem and the leafy part. Then, heat up the oil in medium heat, until it's super hot, like smoking hot oil on your wok (it's better to do stir fry on woks, people!) Put in the finely chopped garlic, saute for a bit and put the meat and the hard stem part in, one hand still stirring. Pour a bit of water to reduce the heat and start seasoning with the sauces. After all sauces are in, taste and season with salt and pepper afterwards. I find seasoning after the leafy part in sucks but it's kinda up to you. Crank up the heat until the water kinda runs out but left a bit on the wok (and don't forget to stir and stir and stir to prevent burning), put in the leafy part and that's it! More stirring of course until all leaves are covered with the sauce and done:D

#3. Hayley did a personality test on Monday and this is what I got! I made some German scribbles too because I was a bit bored when we talk about several things like our names and origin and yeah, it's still fun! 

#4. Another family member of XI IPA-3, moving out:< We'll miss you, Fauziah Luthy Althofia!

Glory Peony

(blogging from Mom's laptop like a ten year old. I really need to get that savings cracking)

School starts tomorrow! Yay! I have missed studying a lot, watching my friends preparing themselves for post-chapter exams when I hardly learnt anything. I felt stupid and behind. Blah. But enough of that because school's starting. Rumour has it (after the whole deconstruction of school's boards, from the kindergarten to the high school ones) that our minimum scores will be eighty frikkin five. I'm going to work my ass off in these two years and this will be the hell of me. I'm starting German too, I'm so happy. Ich blablablablabla. Hahahahahaha. I know. I don't know. My mom has contacted an educational agent, which sounded so cool because I thought the only word I can came up with in using the word 'agent' is Travel and Bureau or cool stuff like that. Not education. Anyway the educational agent should come up with a plan of my stay there and all the costs and all the ways and planes and trains and tickets of u-bahn and m-bahn or something like that. What actually surprises me, I don't have to go to Netherlands to buy a pack of Indomie; There's this one, quirky shop in Hamburg that sells everything Indonesia called 'Toko Indonesia'. And I was like, "YES!!!" "HEAVEN!!!" and the only thing I kept thinking is that, I could use my sweet soy sauce shipping money for (more) of my books shipping, hehehehe. 

Current List(s) 

(I really need to create an account in listography for pete's sake I love lists)

Reading(s): Fifty Shades Freed, The Lover's Dictionary, and No one belongs here more than you.

Music: Walk Off The Earth's cover of B.O.B's Magic!

Flowers: Peonies and Sunflowers.

TV: Trace and FashionTV

Jokes: http://redefine-f.tumblr.com/post/30721386578

Words: Abyss and Erandhi.

I'm good! For now.

New celebrity crush: Jonathan Groff. 

I KNOW HE'S GAY.

Darren Criss for the past, Jonathan Groff for the future.

If you catch my drift.

OH HOW I MISS BLOGGING

Hello at Starbucks now with loveliest twins on earth working on a cool project between us. Anyway, I'm still pissed because I kept spending my money (hell yeah) for unnecessary things when I have to collect, like, only 200k for the new modem. I know. I should start saving up because I'm on a diet right now. No, not the slimming-I-want-to-get-skinny diet but more like a food combining journey? This new lifestyle is picked up by Mom because it's actually really beneficial and important... SO I'm going to bring a lunchbox... Almost everyday. Sigh:\

The upload got messy, I don't know why. So... Back to project.

Poof, and I'm gone

Currently at Semarang now suffering from midnight awakenings because I took naps (yes, naps) in the car during the visits to several places in Ungaran, Semarang.

Holy crap, the hotel is cold.

Right now I'm blogging from mom's laptop and hotel's local connection because... I lost my modem. Embrace the clumsiness of the majesty, ladies and gentlemen. I planned on buying another with my THR money (Dad has transferred some to my personal account) but I got titles of books, in pace to steal my goddamn precious money from me. I got four books for the holiday and I have finished one and a half, yay! I went to a cool, temple site called Gedong Songo and it (supposed) to have nine mini temples around the acres and acres of land. Me&Mom got horses and we hiked on the horses. No, I won't be taking up horse riding classes because dude, it's so hard staying on top, moreover staying still while we're walking on this steep, steep hills and rocky land. I took pictures, not so much because I was tired and hot and feeling a bit queasy from the car ride (I was reading) and I was hungry. We visited Palagan Ambarawa to see some trains and I lighten up and took some amount of pictures. I like trains and old stuff. We had lunch and went to Paragon Mall. I got a henna on my hand and a screwed writing (clumsiness, again) of "In Omnibus Veritas". I'm getting myself used to the fact that a) I'm going away b) I'm separating from people I heavily love c) I'm going to rock. No the c part is completely nonexistent because I lack self confidence. 

Btw I missed having my friends around. Man, am I getting attached or what. Should be going out with them, I have to make plans. I missed six days of fasting, and I have four left from last year. BAD GIRL I know. I have to pay fidyah too, oh god please forgive me. Queasy again. 

Zizi just asked me to blog about him. Here it goes.

Zizi [Zee-zee] -n

1. A perfectly freaky, kooky creature. So annoying, an unstoppable mocker. Sarcastic at his fullest, I'd say he's good looking when I'm tipsy. Only a greeting away; 24/7.

2. French slang: p*nis.

Lol. He's a best friend of mine. I hope I have a picture of him. Wait. I would have been insane and incredibly stalk-y if I have a picture of him. Creepy. I think I got a picture with him. 

(Classmeeting '12. Our hair was perfect. Was:'>)

THINGS PEOPLE REALLY NEED TO GET: I'm in no way romantic with him and our only mutual feeling is that we're freaks. And I trust him. Just because we sit next to each other and borrowed several stuff to each other doesn't mean a thing. I'm so tired of getting kinks and dinks about me and him because we're friends, and it stops right there.

For his fans: I got insider things. His head? You can't really figure it out. You'd get the hang of it, but you won't figure it out. He's literally a freak but he won't act insane around you. He wants to go to Russia, he's going to take something petroleum. He likes the colour red and girls with Scottish accent. Call him 'Zillex'. Err... I ran out of things to talk about him. Most of our conversations are useless but beneficial at the same time. Creepy.

Done with Zizi. I like this 'Touch Lamp' thingy on the desk of my room. So you touch the metal base of the lamp to set the dim and turn the power on/off. I want one for my room. I want to paint my ceilings with clouds but mom said it was too overwhelming for me, so I trade the sky for a world map background. I still have the coolest library and the floor to myself (at least for a few years).

Early day tomorrow. Ciao.

Ssshhh! 

They care; they just don't give a f@#$ about it.

Hello hello. The week has been (and will be, anyway) tough because XI-IPA3 is practising the Nasheed performance, yay! It's the biggest gig and I'm looking forward to it each day. 

Enough with the happy-happy-screw-life-I-love-my-mess vibe. Everybody knows that there's gazillion secrets behind one's smile, and I hide a lot. I'm working on diverting every stressful bone inside of me so it'll be a super strong and determined bone for me to study, like it's my first priority. LIKE. I know for sure studying will never be my thing but what the hell, if we can fake every emotion there is, why can't we fake this one. Have I told you that chances are I'd be spending my college time in Germany? Well, I don't want to go but I kinda want to go. Won't it be cute, sporting my knit hats and red lipstick in the middle of a snowed land, or a Burberry trench coat, layering a black peplum dress with Wolford and Jeffrey Campbell. And bringing a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc home, and eating greens all week because I ran out of money. The things that's keeping me here are Christmas and my friends! I can't imagine Christmas without Oma, and Ramadan without the hecticness of planning Buka Bersama. I want to go but I don't want to go. Bapak haven't told me the circumstances of me, going to Germany because the last time I saw Bapak, we didn't discuss much. 

The other thing is... I always feel like I will never be enough. Never. My efforts will always be useless and pointless. It's like, I'm a clear glass that kept growing out of heat and there will always be a curious hollowness inside of me, wanting to be filled but will always be empty. And at times, they just knocked me out and crash me into pieces because I'm a) replaceable and b) useless. I'm easy to find, it's not that hard finding someone who's anguished and tired to the bones. I'm not funny and I never made other people laugh, proud, happy, smile, or anything good. I'm nothing near special and to be quite honest, I've done bad things along the way and I'm in no way to be proud. Don't you just wish that you could break the rule and live your life in your way, without being judged and whispered and talked about. Like, everybody cares but they don't give a fuck. I will never be bored but I believe that small minds discuss people, averages discuss events and smart-asses discuss ideas. And those small minds stick things to you. Labels, judgements, thoughts that should be kept personal but they blabbed it anyway. I know I'm one of them, I like judging people in their face. I like labelling people and keeping that burning hatred, violence choice of words inside of me, it's like a ticking time bomb that could explode anytime and many time as I wish. Like, sometimes you just snapped? Well, I just snapped today. For being not worthy enough, for being stupid, for being such a chaotic person, for being anything and everything I am today because frankly, if Clean Slate exists, I want my hands on it. I'd kill to get my hands on it. I don't know what I will be if I could start fresh. But I know what I'll be keeping: My reckless amount dorkiness and the extinct humorous kick inside of me.

H&R: Dear John

The problem with time, I've learned, whether it's those first two weeks I got to spend with you, or the final two months I got to spend with Tim, eventually time always runs out. I have no idea where you are out there in the world, John. But I understand that I lost the right to know there things long ago. No matter how many years go by, I know one thing to be as true as ever was - I'll see you soon then.

 I love both, you know. Both movie and novel. I can tell you that it's different though, very different. You should see (or read) it to yourself but here's a piece of my mind: Do you like a fantasy happy ending, or relatable yet it's a heart breaking ending?

That's what I like about reading and watching Dear John. The endings are different and I get to choose which I want to cry to in the end. As for Nicholas Sparks books, I always skip the ending. It's way too overrated. I skipped Dear John, I skipped The Notebook, I skipped True Believer. I know I had to know about it somewhere, reading it online or hearing a friend talking about it. But as for me, when the pages getting thin and I'm screwed just by holding the book with one hand without making it flip over and close, I closed the book. The end. All I know is they're still miserable, or they're still in love, or they're in the middle on something I don't know. This is such a bad habit to do as doing something and left them unfinished could spread out to another things like... Not finishing a meal or leaving a mess after the photoshoots I always have hehehe. But I know one thing about Nicholas Sparks' novel. It's always a bit unrealistic at some point, but you know you find so much mutuality in the characters and the decisions or the action they're having. It's like, Oh! This thing is practically impossible to be in a real life, this is such a fiction! and during your initial eye switch on the next page, you'll go O!M!G! I know the feeling, it's starting to feel real! thingies. The movies too. You can go smiling, making up scenarios in your head, going I can do that with him! and How sweet of John to do so, I wish I have someone to make me feel like Savannah but you'll cry and dwell on your pillow once the good scenes are over. It's such a roller coaster to experience. I know I'm not a very... Fond of roller coasters (especially if they're made out of woods, ouch!) and all the surprising, scary acts on movies and ghost houses and everything, but I'd take the emotional roller coaster I got while reading books. So far I only got emotional roller coasters when I'm reading a book. Hmm...

P.S. I hope I didn't grow up like Savannah, I mean... She loves someone but had to marry the other? I planned to marry young now, somewhere around twenty four to twenty six, but still have a career and university going on. I'm a sucker for my one and only marriage. And don't forget the two boys, woot!

Disappointed? Feeling stupid? Alienated? Weird? No, dude, EVERYTHING.

That's just a weird title isn't it? Hahahahahaha. I just want to tell you why I changed the site's title to Schizophe-brina and a little story about my new username, @brinasummer.

Schizophrenia... Known as a dodo-head, lunatic disease, is something I put zero interest in. I know it's weird, using something with zero enthusiasm as a title. But schizophrenia literally means to split one's mind. Schizo is to split, phren is mind. So, schizophe-brina literally means to split my mind, into things I can't in the real life. I wrote about my hopes and dreams here, and my daily life, and my fictions. Superficial fictions. And my crap. In my mind, the blog is splitting my reality into blocks of posts and for me, a deluded non-believer... It helps me separate my things.

And @brinasummer! No, I feel perfectly fine, not hot as summer. Do you watched (500) Days of Summer? I know, a mainstream movie. But seriously, the movie is packed with words of wisdom and I kinda want to see the world like Summer did. Love is a fantasy, relationships are messy and people got hurt. But in the end, she got the happy ending and Tom's the one who's messy all over again. Sure, he met Autumn, but still! He was dead miserable. The movie is realistic, that's what happen in real life. People got you disappointed, sad, gloomy and all fucked up. I like the fuzzy feeling I had post watching the movie. And after the long, hard, destructive rain, it will somehow stop and the sun will shine so bright and here comes the happily ever after!

Gotta hit the bed! Tomorrow is a SUPER early day:D

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Humphrey: Wish I could smoke a fucking cigarette.

I'm reading Gossip Girl: Because I'm Worth It. The title is my favourite line (so far) and it's true. When you're addicted to something and you're under a... Jar that limit your movement and space, sometimes you just wish and wish and wish and curse, hoping that something happened that break the jar or let you go, free. I ship freedom, for god's sake. 

I cut my (left hand only) nails super short and painted the fingers with blue+glitter polish. I feel so rebellious but what the hell. I need to blow off some steam and pushing it to my nails is the pip to my murder, not generally speaking. Lol. I will never murder somebody. Something, maybe. Like I know I've murdered phones and gadgets and things that should've last longer but (thanks to me) it ended their life right away. Dude, I'm hard to handle. If you can't handle me in my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.

I feel like cooking bunch of stuff. No, I feel like eating bunch of stuff. Do you know I've gained, like, seven-eight pounds? I know I insanely lost, like, five pounds in a matter of days but... Yeah. I ate so much without working out because the insanely schedule of mine. At least I enjoy them. Nothing like a good busyness plus a little headache here and then. I bought my school books cover! It's Cavallini&Co and it's so pretty! I know it tends to be a bit pricey but the quality is always the best and it's kind of rare, here, in my school hehehehehehe. Another thing is, the theme is always classic and they cover A LOT of New York stuff. Paris, London, Rome too, and amazing rustic (but delightful) world maps. You should check out their website. The price ranges to IDR50-400ish and if you're interested you can contact your nearest Aksara store:)  My favourite is in Kemang (I used to go to Plaza Indonesia, always. But since my favourite department store closed down, I switched to Kemang) because it's so spacious and the store next door to it sells Docmarts! I'm saving up for buying another pair, I want the patterned one, preferably before I went to Year 12. 

#1: La dolce vita, baby! #5: + Look so slutty, it hurts for people to see me. I'm high, people. I'm high.

I love you then, I love you now.

A picture describes a thousand word (and gazillion of laziness)

P.S. Tomorrow flight: 11 am.... Or I think so.

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Hello! Happy Friday! Soooo I'm going to let you know that I'm still alive (and full, and happy, and excited to the moon /and back/) and still in Surabaya until this Sunday. I have a plan with Nadja tomorrow and my cousin Althaf (who recently got accepted in SMP Negeri 1 Surabaya, bravo kiddo!) is coming tomorrow. Yay for gaining allies on defeating the babies. 

Did I tell you that my Oma is not here? Basically, everything sucks without Oma. Food I've experienced (the home cook ones) that used to be so friggin delish is no longer... Good. The kids are crappy without Oma too, and they kept playing with me which is nice but sooooo sucky when you're not in the mood or just want to chill, replying people's text or messenger to you.

God, the amount of mosquito in this place. Hell-many.

Plus, my baby cousins are the most busiest people ever, I swear to god. I know I used to be like them, having so many classes and sessions on improving yourself. Right now the boys (Seven and six) have piano lessons, drawing sessions, bible study, kumon (both english and math) and their school is a catholic school that has rules and regulations and obligations as much as the ants in the world. I know I exaggerate but still, it's so many and so friggin long. The youngest bit, Anya, she's three, she just started kumon and want to start Ballet too just like me. Ugh, I kept thinking my practice days. So heavy and harsh, hahahahaha. I used to be busy too, though. During my baby moment. I had drawing sessions and  english course, I studied up to four hours per day and I read one book a day. I went to the mosque to study Quran and studied traditional dance for... Three years.

But it paid up till now, though. I'm more focused and determined, and I might have skills that other can't. I still need to improve my skills though, I'm getting friendly with my guitar now after I left him for  months and I'm starting to swim now. I ran several miles per week and I know it seems so short but I'm improving. At this point, nothing is regretful and everything counts.

P.S. These kids dedication on bible study is amazing, I'm touched.

When you heart is pouring out but you don't know what to do.

I'm just so screwed up with everything going on. With the amount of rush I get during catching teachers and fishing for my grades, and the shakiness of my hands when you're around. It's no longer a crush I'm developing, but I don't know what. It's that intense feeling that's spreading like a lethal plague on a small city with a population of two hundred. You think it's love, but it's not. You think you don't care, but you can't, because the feeling is /literally/ eating your heart out and cutting it into pieces before chewing it all in. Ugh. I'm a mess. I wish I could just sit down and grab a glass of vanilla stoli. I don't know how it would taste in your buds but depressed people enjoy them very.

Another thing is I don't want to ruin the amazing, fanta-bulous relationship that we built brick by brick, with some of the excess hormone that I haven't burnt off in the gym by running it all or flexing it during yoga. It's just life's too precious to give the moment a pause and rewind and play and rewind and play and back and forth all over again. I know we never touched hands before and my stomach went whirlwind every time you catch a simple glimpse of me that means nothing, nothing in this world because you had your time and your girl and your moments and I'm just so fed up sitting here, listening to the same sappy love song about how I've loved you for a thousand year long when truthfully I don't think it's love and it's actually not that long, doing nothing. Practically nothing because there's nothing I can do and you're so damn distant for me, even though we go head-to-head every single day. 

I'm not exactly waiting because I don't know what am I waiting for. I'm not exactly desperate because I'm not entirely sad because you're always gone. I'm not exactly confused because I know what to do. I'm just... Tired? No, because I'm not in that point yet.

Anyway, despite the insanity and the malady I'm in, all I want you to know is that I have a seven-words sentence silently knocking mouth, waiting for my gut to send a signal to my lips when I'm ready to say it. But thank you lord, my fingers are the most brave organ ever so... Here it goes; I need you so much, it hurts.

Uh-huh.

Equality.

So, since I was little, well, practically a baby, all I've heard is you are never ordinary, and your feet are tied to the ground of tradition and your mouth is shut from all of the bad things in the world. Luckily, I've managed to learn a curse or two to scream out when I'm really, really, really pissed out of something.

Like tonight, I'm so sick of the days I've spent working on a pen/paper test, practically writing my hands off my body. How I wish of being ambidextrous. At some point of my... Despair, I've managed to eat so many food and talk endlessly of how I'm sick of being tied up to rules and obligation, with no 'fun' chance at all. Several days ago, I showed Mom about a movie called Soegija in the papers and it's telling the life of a catholic cleric that... Pretty much saved Indonesia. Tonight, my mom decided to catch a late-night movie (not midnight, tho), and tell me that pretty much, all of my questions in my living years answers will be slipped to the movie somehow.

Maybe you have the same question on your head, like, why is 70% of my family is a very loyal catholic, and some of them are even chinese. Two of the most... Questionable thing in my school. The student board is so curious, every time I spent my time in their room, my time is up of answering rhetorical and mostly, random questions. Why I still visit chinese temples and burn coils and hio, and drop a tear when walking in to one of the famous catholic church in Semarang. The thing is, they're the one I need to thank because my family wouldn't be here in the first place without them.

During the chaos of the war with the Netherlands people, my ancestors were protecting each other under the roof of a holy church.

That explains the movie, and there reason why almost every Sumarno in my family is catholic. During the war, the catholic church is the most safe place on the island. It's something between the board of the church and Vatican, that protects everybody that's hiding in the church. That makes sense, with all of the tradition in Java that my family is turning catholic from kejawen. It's one of our thank yous and gratitudes towards the church board that was protecting most of my family from the meanness of Dutch, and Japan, and Dutch again. In the movie was explained that the most safe place is either the church or the hospital. With the hospital filled with infections and disease and all, I bet my great grandfather won't choose to hid there.

One of my favourite things about the movie is that it shows the two sides of every person, every part and every single detail. Like, how language is essential in order to do something right. And how Japanese people wanted peace during the surrender, and they actually enjoyed the song Bengawan Solo, planning to take it home with them, to Japan. Sometimes all I get from documentaries and based-on-real-life is mindfucks because I never know the integrity of the fact they're serving in the movie, but after some bitty research, I believe the facts. And that god loves us all. All, without exception.

One of the real life problem now is that religion is separating people. I got a friend who said, "Christians are different with us, muslims. So are hindu and buddhist." And I refuse to agree. We believe that god is one, so are them. If god is only one, than what actually differ us to them? It's only the human that fuck the system and everything. Religion actually means equality, that god is one and loving to each one of his creature. What mostly differ us to another belief is... Us. We made barriers, boundaries, of what we can do and what we can't do. The separation of belief is just another crap to lose the essence of the togetherness we supposed to have.

I'm so sensitive about religion and everything, you know that.

Indonesia is a free, independence country now because the (past) parts of it got it together, making lines and every thing into dust, and working towards the same goal. I know it needs major understanding and we have to pull our ego to the deepest bottom of our hearts, but, why not? Every problem in this country is solvable if every nation's leader stopped thinking about him/herself, and think of the future and the people under him/her. If independence is reachable, than what isn't? 

I really recommend this movie to watch, and no, it doesn't make me want to convert. Believe me. It's not a religion based movie, like Ayat Ayat Cinta or the other movie, it's about doing something towards our country before. This movie is something to burn that cold woods inside of us, to trigger a fire inside us that got us thinking, We, futurists are so stupid with the fact that we cannot run this country properly. One of my (insane) plan is to become another country citizenship, so I'm not politically Indonesian. It's pretty easy to lose one, though. But seeing the hard work and the blood and the cold bodies the past put into the future got me thinking... Do I really want to leave Indonesia, just like that? After all they did. Praying and praying for a better future, and when I, we, us, are the answers to their prayers? I even rethinking my plan of going so faraway from home, and I'm such an idealist, I shouldn't be reconsidering my choices.

And about the chinese... For all of the people reading this, that think chinese people are just a bunch of humans that should be chased down like in the past; here's the thing. Chinese will rule the world in any seconds. America is falling apart and Europe is in a crisis, relating to Greece and bunch of things I've read in the sites and papers. Almost everything in this world is Chinese-made. I planned to learn chinese, who knows how long until they finally taken over the world...

P.S. Indonesia is changing to GMT +8? Finally! :)

Pottermore kid.

Hello! I know I've been busy playing Pottermore because it's so fun and it's addicting. My username is NifflerBronze21008 and I'm sorted to Ravenclaw, yay! I love the long, welcoming letter, saying hello to me for being 'clever and quirky'. Now I get why my username got bronze in it, because Ravenclaw's colour is Blue and Bronze. Bs for Brina. Yay. My wand is black walnut with phoenix core, just like Harry Potter. I'm so cocky about this fact I feel like I'm a Slytherin. 

My wand.

Though the size is unbelievably short, hardly 11 inches. But I'm so proud of my phoenix core. I don't know what's my favourite character's core is (Luna Lovegood, the girl of mystery), I hope she's a phoenix too with a fact that she got along with Harry who has the same core. It's not flexible at all, but I can't imagine having a swishy wand.

My house is Ravenclaw, and I truly believe that my heart is blue, lined with bronze. I always adore this house for years, and even though it's not as spotlighted as Gryffindor or Slytherin in the movies or the books, it still somehow wins my heart. 

And once again: well done on becoming a member of the cleverest, quirkiest and most interesting house at Hogwarts.

Yes, well done, B!

P.S. My varsity jacket is here! Going to wear the D soon with my docs:)