Friday, November 30, 2012


As you all know this day is a very special day for XI IPA-3.

We perform our musical drama first.

I'm just, through the roof. WE MADE IT GUYS. All of the unnecessary feelings and satires we shared is nothing compared to the final result. I know we messed up a bit (during Umbrella dance, sigh) but that's all right. Because we love the final of the final dance! And I just love the fact that #17 #18 generation and some of the #16 are willing to watch us, because that's what shows are for. To be watched! My personal fear is to be put in front, for all the school to see but I overcome that by chanting Diva's triumph chants. Diva has gotten into me right now, lol.

Let me tell you about the story of our musicals. 

Well, there's this 'boy gang' and 'girl gang' (+1... well... A Drag queen). One boy fell in love with the one girl from the other gang, and joining forces with the coolest dance crew on earth, they made a fine, awesome dance force!

The first act was Madcon's Beggin and the boys (Danar, Fafa, Ken, and Hasan) made this gate-thingy with their bodies hanging on to each other, doing a opening/closing gate movements. After the gate thingy, in come the girls (ME! and Sarah and Yavis and Amel) with the Umbrella, dancing to Rihanna's Umbrella. It's the least cool dance for me, because it doesn't take that much time practising. Though the umbrella is quite hard to manoeuvre. Mine was so stiff and it took a bit of effort to kick-open the umbrella, yet Sarah's opened during the dance. Oops. Anyway when the umbrella dance is finished, Danar, Fafa, Ken, and Hasan did a stunt jump over the back thingy and landed, becoming robots like in Step Up 3! Fafa and Hasan was the coolest. After that they backed up, Almas came in and do a solo robot steps with scooping motions on the background, when Fafa and Hasan did breakdance steps.

And this is where (my) fun begun. After the robot thingy is done, I, Sarah, Yavis and Maul got in to do a simple salsa step with the boys. Minus Hasan of course. This is absolutely my favourite part. It's a bit messy though for the others because we didn't put down the same steps (mine and Danar's was one on one, Almas-Maul's was sets of three, Ken-Sarah was sets of two and some cha-chas, and Fafa-Yavis' are there to be cute and funny, lol) but I received a lot of compliments on the salsa and it sent me through the roof. Dude, I really sucked at Umbrella! It's like my body is embalmed and stiff as heck but I could let some go in salsa. When it ends, we started shuffling and ended the whole scene with Gangnam Style! YAY FOR GANGNAM STYLE. Is a bit tricky though because I wore a knee-length short dress but that's alright.

Sadly, no one took pictures because the hall was quite dark (thankfully it's cold) and no videos are taken! It's too sad because we want to send the clips to Maris and Rani, the -2 we really missed. 

This is... The best Friday of the year! I'm sure there are (and will be) great, just simply great Fridays in the past and future but this tops of the list. Our win is our happiness, guys. I know this is not an achievement or a competition or anything but at least we prove ourself damn well today. Danke Welt. Danke XI IPA-3. It's not a bad thing, is it, being moved to November 30th? :D

[Posting our poster soon]

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Because indescribable will never be the answer.

This is the part when Born To Die: Paradise Edition is on, and you're in the mellowest yet you will not ever and not allowed to cry for the same reason again.

The most confusing part of my letting go definition is knowing that it's not actually letting go, but it is. Like it's not actually a relationship, but it is. Like I actually believe that it was warm water, but it actually is.

Here's the thing about disappointment and fears; you can experience a hundred disappointments if you trust people that easily, but yet again what is a relationship (any. Any relationship) that's not based on trust? You can fear a thousand things, even at once, but by then, will there still time to live? When you have been made disappointed for a lot of time, you'd expect the new to be different. Like a breath of fresh air in summer. You'd believe that, "Hey, it's not fair to treat them like the last ones. I mean, it's there for a frikkin lesson, not a reference." but then again, everything is a lesson and even though you looked back for things you should've changed and changed them in the present, sometimes it just got messy and it messed up everything. The thoughts you put, the expectation that's been growing, the hope that won't stop bouncing in and out in and out, up and down up and down. It's really tiring but you thought what you got is different and you're willing to be on your last leg, beaten until black and blue, wishing that it will somehow be worthy.

And it was. I mean, the whole ride. But the end it's just the same with the others. Disappointed? Yes. There's a saying that "A second chance doesn't always mean a happy ending. Sometimes it's just a chance to end things right this time around". I just wish there's no ending at all.

So after days of wallowing and losing my inner equilibrium, I just realised today that... Man, you don't need me any longer! You're a whole lot of fine without me and I just went back and thought... Was it the second chance to end things right? Did it really have to end? And after staring at you for a couple of minutes or so, I turned my head thirty degrees and there they are. The replacements. I know, I know. Being replaced hurts more. But... If it's what makes you better, replacing me because I'm uncool and dreary, then it is what it is. You know my bit, I know yours. And the saddest thing is... I will always be around when you're off doing what's cool and not dreary, that will never include me.

Excuse my shit-low self esteem but... Yeah. I'm shit-low self esteem.

Let's build a room and start filling it, shall we. Because that, is what Diva would do.

And oh! Those who can't cry is actually the weakest. 

Monday, November 26, 2012

More than thirty one.

I'm in need of ice cream. Like super. I'd love big scoops of strawberry and mint and chocolate with chips and mint and tiramisu and mint and mint and mint and mint. I've always like the flavour mint in almost anything as a twist on my sweets. Like mojitos. And ice creams. But never those, hard rock mint candies because they're bitter. We don't want that.

I've been cooking lately and that's because Me&Amel are starting our Lunch Crew! Yay. Basically this is the first day. We usually eat rice (or noodles or, let's face it, carbs) at 9 am, tummy still full with our breakfast (I prefer sugar cereal or yogurt/twist while Amel eats main courses. In the morning). So we're turning our food phase and have breakfasts, lunches, and I skipped dinner. I would really like to lost some pounds because I'm such a fatty. I want to reach at least 110≤my weight≤120 for my Diva role and it's like, a month away. Hopefully by not coming to Surabaya and going away to Pare, I lost all appetite I've been calming for the past months because let's face it. Every christmas dinner is and will always be precious and glamourous at different kinds. Mine has homemade steaks with gravy, and the best fried rice on earth, rice noodles, tomato soup, and homemade pickles of carrots and cucumbers. And though there's no gifts opening because gifts are given when we earn something (or celebrated birthdays, but that was different), it's always a joy to wake up in a cool morning and saying "Selamat hari Natal." We love christmas and I always bring an ornament to decorate the tree. Last two years were a white angel carrying a harp, last year was Rudolph. I think I'm sending a santa this year because the older cousins (one is six and one is seven and the youngest is three) are being introduced to santa in their school. It should be exciting because they'd expect a present then. 

Oh yeah. I'm looking forward to christmas. Not to mention Starbucks' jolly drinks (toffee nut is a keeper) and the merry decorations and the SALES. Mom always splurged me on christmas time and I'm in need of a new wardrobe. Lol. Not a full one. I really need to invest in another white shirt and a boyfriend sweater. With a wide collar hopefully. God I'm snappy.

IPA3's musical have been moved to November 30th because this and that. In a really tight day right now, I've only managed to fully nailed a piece on the dancing scene, and I have three to dance. I really need to practice... And find a private tutor for Math.

OH! And a tune to brighten your day up.

It's really easy to listen, more to love. REALLY.

Saturday, November 24, 2012


Hahahahahaha truly, I'm sixteen people. I'm sixteen.

Review: One Day the Movie

I thanked Yavis Hastra! She managed to somehow find the movie I really really really want to watch which is One Day and I couldn't be happier. Truly. I loved the movie. No. I love the movie. Still in love. Will always still be in love.

It starts out with the graduation of Emma Morley and Dexter Mayhew and their relationship years after years on St. Swithin's Day, July 15th. My favourite was the year of 1992, 1996, and 2000. Then of course, 1988 will always be my favourite because it was the first day they actually met. It was a joy to watch, especially with Jim Sturgess. He was beyond my mind, because I was thinking of a less charming person when I read it. Who's Emma Morley on my head when I was reading about it? Won't tell!:p

The love and hate relationship Emma and Dexter had, the long letters with pen marks on the behind because the pen is too pushy, the I love you but I just don't like you anymore, the irony of being stuck with someone else when the love of our life was under our noses all along, the waiting, the twenty years of waiting. It defines life. That years after years, everything is going to fall apart yet everything will be alright again. It will be alright. That every fights have their ends and every love, every single one of it will eventually end. In a different way maybe, or it will be the same. It's kinda upsetting and contenting at the same time that David Nichols still put the same end; in the book and the movie. Reading before watching the movie will give you, I don't know, the I-know-what's-coming and having to read the book twice gave me every bits of details there is. The kiss, the smile, the tears, the words and yes, I praise David Nichols for not changing too much. Because I feel like my imagination being lit up by watching the screen.

At the end, I'd give this four and a half stars out of five. It's a frikkin masterpiece. Not to mention Rachel Portman's score. But I have to say though, it's the reading that changes my life. It's the reading that helped me, gave out cues for me, gave out warnings that no matter how disappointing life is, it will be worth-living. 


Go for a watch. Want a better option? Read-the-frikkin-book.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Recent Happenings

Hello, I'm the w@#$% in the movie. Hello, my name is Diva, and I'm the knight's falling star.

#1. My beloved class XI IPA-3 has chosen the novel to be filmed as our Bahasa Indonesia movie assignment. I got the 'Diva' role and boy, is she hard to play. Reuben is right, she has too much contradictions. But I believe I can do it! Especially when I get to write my own dialogs and lines. Life is be-au-tiful.

#2. I've been cooking lately and my latest 'stir' was caisim with beef in oyster sauce. Howtos?

1. Caisim, obviously.
2. Some meat, cut into thin pieces.
3. 4 cloves of garlic, finely chopped.
4. 3 tsp of soy sauce.
5. 1 tbsp of oyster sauce.
6. Salt and pepper.
7. Some oil.

First, wash the caisim and cut them into halves; the hard stem and the leafy part. Then, heat up the oil in medium heat, until it's super hot, like smoking hot oil on your wok (it's better to do stir fry on woks, people!) Put in the finely chopped garlic, saute for a bit and put the meat and the hard stem part in, one hand still stirring. Pour a bit of water to reduce the heat and start seasoning with the sauces. After all sauces are in, taste and season with salt and pepper afterwards. I find seasoning after the leafy part in sucks but it's kinda up to you. Crank up the heat until the water kinda runs out but left a bit on the wok (and don't forget to stir and stir and stir to prevent burning), put in the leafy part and that's it! More stirring of course until all leaves are covered with the sauce and done:D

#3. Hayley did a personality test on Monday and this is what I got! I made some German scribbles too because I was a bit bored when we talk about several things like our names and origin and yeah, it's still fun! 

#4. Another family member of XI IPA-3, moving out:< We'll miss you, Fauziah Luthy Althofia!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met.

Don't you just feel sometimes you're... Unpretty? I know I'm unpretty and I lack femininity in all sort of aspects of my life but the only time I feel pretty is at times when I'm curling my eye lashes because that's the only good things I got in me and putting a mascara with glittered pink and purple tube. My hair is a wreck (blabla, yeah I know you got it) and my skin is burnt and I'm short and my body is not toned at all, I'm not skinny, I'm insecure and my self esteem is sh*t. I don't agree to every piece of things in my closet and my specs outgrow me. All of my shoes are ruined and of course good things fall apart in order for better things to come out of cold, and I still can't apply eyeliner let alone attempting a smoky eye. The other things that upset me is that I know you care so much about details and I screwed up every single time because I'm such a sucky-onist. I just wished I'm better and enough for you, because I'm worst every single day and I won't ever be one for you. I know sucky self confidence is such a *thumb down* but this is what everyday feels like; seconds of pure walking insecurity and what hurts the most is that I just want to be special for you. They said, "You tell a girl she's beautiful, she'll believe it for a minute and tell a girl she's horrid, she'll believe it for the rest of her life." I know I'm an exaggerator by heart but I just think that it's true, don't you think. Every girl's self esteem is sh*t until she grows up (and yes, I'm fourteen at heart, blushing on cue and laughs on the corniest joke ever).

I just downloaded Red and it took FOREVER but the twenty-two tracks are here. Haven't give everything a listen, I'm too yawny. Nighty!

Friday, November 16, 2012

Something about you is so addictive

........ Ran out of words.

Found old photos of my year nine class, Alejandro!

Happy birthday Ibu Tri!

(half of) the girls!<3 MY SKIN WAS EFFIN GORGEOUS BACK THEN. Not uglyish and burnt like now-_-

See I miss having the hair I had in the last picture! Hopefully this crap on my head grow super fast so I'll look /much/ better than this. Good news! I went to BSD to check out DIS (Deutch Internationale Schule) but the school is closed, d'uh, go figure. And I got myself a new pants today hehehe it's Zara and it's pink and it looks good with my sweaters so I'm content:D I bought a MAC eyelash curler too + some socks from M&S + a pair of New Look mocs but I didn't get my goal today: tribal loose sweater. Mom said it won't be on season (yet) and I should go look for it again next month, before the Pare Trip because YES, I am going! I'm so excited and all gengless are going. My first experience spending NYE with friends. Secretly wishing you're going too, even though that's likely to be impossible.

I'm kinda sad though because I'll be missing Christmas dinner but I could go for two more years for that. I think I'll drop a visit to Surabaya after New Years. 

Still missing you (-a bit).

Now listening: Demi Lovato's Here We Go Again (I know it's an old song but man, did she read my mind or what).

How did you get here under my skin, I swore that I never let you back in, should've know better than trying to let you go cause here we go, go, go again. Hard as I try, I know I can't quit, something about you is so addictive, we're falling together, you think that by now I know, cause here we go, go, go again.

Thursday, November 15, 2012


The long-awaited holiday is finally here and I've been busying myself with creating this brina book that will be a milestone of myself.



Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Daydream in a cup

I feel like I'm holding up. I'm so tired to my bones, I want a day free on holiday but I can't afford it. Sucky. I want to cut my hair (again) and made bangs (again) but then my hair will be super short and I just don't want it to be super short. I want it to grow super fast because this mid length is getting me nowhere:< 

Anywhere. Enough of the hair crap. 

I still miss you and yes, I know I did nothing to show you this. I wish you read my blog posts. I hope you care about me and somehow look for humanity signs of me. I wish you know I peeked between classes, trying to notice everything that changed on you. I hope you know that I'm tired, because I know you looked like one. I wish I know something to do. I hope you notice. I wish I wasn't some kind of stupid fool that actually believe love exists. I hope you know I hate my hair and I wish I could look like me in that photo, now that you do and even though every /seconds /hurts, I'd do almost everything to had that... I don't know, a minute less of continuous sight and knowing that every single second you won't look back on me, and that won't hurt me because looking you one the eyes makes me miss you so damn much but again, i'm in no way capable of showing it when I know I really wanted you to know. 

But even if wishing is a waste of time, even if I never crossed your mind.
&I chose remembering.

Ugh, there goes the wall I've built.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

What's the point of talking if it never matter.

Words can't help me ramble on how I miss you right now. I just... UGH.

I'm currently active on my fiction blog and it's a secret I know, I didn't suppose to leak it to anybody but WHAT CAN I SAY. I like it when people read my stuff and gave me some feedbacks on how I write and what should I write. They even say that I have a certain style of writing way, which is exaggerated english and I'm just all red and mushy about the fact that they pay attention to my language preference and how I used them. Hehehehe. Now I'm being stupid. 

Anyway I feel like I'm lost. Again. I'm actually furious in wanting to know what or who I wanted, and I have to start planning how will I tackle my study plans for the year or else I'm not getting a new phone, which sucks because it's on top of my need-list now. My blackberry has lost all of its sane qualifications because the battery is somehow ruined (duh. It's brina. Everything relating to her will be ruined at some points) and the substitutionary battery is not helping either. I feel like blogging One Day off my blog then I realised I forgot all of the things that resemble all of my situations PLUS I'm going to lend the book to Hayley because we're in some sort of cool book club thingy. So I can't direct quote it.

Thank god for tumblr and all fan-base thing that post things about the movie. I'm so starstruck is it, oh my god.

Don't you wish you can, I don't know, relive memories?

Like I know walking is tiring but why is it I'd run down miles for you? I know that being jealous is sickening but why I'd experience the pain for you? I know that being constantly under the radar is suffocating but why I'm keeping my head under the water? I know that loving without being loved hurts but why I keep doing it? I wish I could relive some of the sweetest memories I've had, and that's so sad because what you might think I want is my fairytale piece when in fact it's the roller coaster week I'd rather have. I know now it's nothing like roller coaster, it's more like a walk in the park alone (solemn yet frustrating) but I wish I could relive my roller coaster. It seems so... Awful at the time but it was perfect. Just the way I wanted it. I treat my relationships with people as an antidote. A remedy. And the roller coaster was the top of the list and when talking to you feels like I've put down so many baggages, not talking to you put up more luggage. Sure it's nothing I can't manage because there's nothing out there you can't handle even if you've never been through it before and learning by doing is really the best method but I wish I could talk to you again. No. Not you. You.

Now, it becomes so hard to even miss you, and it's too ironic when I know that I love you. Then, now, and later.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

One Day Trailer

It's a must watch. At least for me. Scheduled post!

"I'm so much better when you're around."
"I love you Dexter, I just don't like you anymore."
"I need to speak to someone, not someone, you."
... Are just some of the quotation I could really, really, really apply to my current situation right now.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Wordful but typeless

I had sentences running down my brain to my spines to my everything but I lost it all. Maybe I'm just tired.

I finished reading One Day by David Nicholls. Can't wait to seek for the movie and watch it, and die a little more. It's basically my life on 70 gsm, fabric bounded and covered by some pretty cover. And yes, it's a heart breaking ones. The one with love that needs twelve years to realise that it's real. she's the one I've been looking for and for all these years book. It's beautiful. It's filled with satire, comedy, laughs, love, contradictions as complicated as ever and it's just beautiful. I don't know. Some paragraphs (that I'm definitely going to quote somewhere after the madness ends) are just so me, and I see myself as Emma Morley. At first, my life may not work out but soon, I'd live in a city that I really love and every breath will be effortless, every money I spent will be worthy and every liquid I sipped will be yummy. I love rhyming things.

 Because Chelsea, Chelsea is our name.

No fouls! #RESPECT for Insan Kamil and Ummul Quro who was playing that day.

Yeah, it's for you, Biw:p

Saturday, November 3, 2012


There are just times when you just can't hold it no more, and all you want to do is just kick everything around you, particularly that thing that stood silently near the desk and lie innocently as if it has nothing to do with me. When it has so much things to do with me.

I hate my brain for being such a crap about memories. Like I remember when it was 2006 and a friend told me that her sister only rinse her mouth once because she'd like to save all the good fluoride on her teeth, every time I brushed my teeth. And that the pink handle of my toothbrush and the strawberry bubble flavour reminds me of the colour of the perfume bottle that I used when I'm still with him, the one he loved so bad. Or that time when every time I smell my vanilla cupcakes body cream and wash, all I remember is the walk that aren't very far but felt so like it because the talk I had back then. I guess it's insane when I remember these crazy memory yet it's so hard to me to memorise several ayats from the Quran. Like when I used to reminisce on what used to make me laugh (but not anymore) or what could make me smile or simply fall in love. Not anymore. 

This growing up thingy threw the old me to the cerebellum of my head and even though I missed the cheerful me, living with this thick wall built around her (still built, crashed twice, same knight), who thinks twice of laughing because she doesn't want to come off too cheeky. The no-regret me has been amazing though it's very tiring because it has been a constant up and downs and full of rebuilding things; trust, love, belief, anti-war scheme and an obsession on loving someone wholeheartedly. I'm tired as hell and my brain is still messed up learning der Artikel on German class today, secretly cursing whoever came up with the idea that a piece of paper is masculine and a bag is feminine.

I've been listening to Lana Del Rey for weeks now and I'm halfway with One Day. I know it's already filmed and it's my... I don't know, fourteen days of reading it and watching the movie would've cost me two hours only but the therapeutic feelings on flipping book pages and stopping to remember the last time I took off. I think Dexter and Emma's character was built for me and you, 91226. For me and you, because there won't be an us, and won't ever be an us.

I feel like quoting the book. Maybe later. 

They say that the world was built for two, only worth living is somebody is loving you. I love you, I wish your live worth (...)