And by it, I mean a relationship.
The last time I dated was junior high going to high school. It's been a long, long time. It wasn't anything like love, though. It's more like a game. He knew it, I knew it. It won't last. I know it was a mistake, a messy one. Getting in a relationship when you're still too broken won't get you anywhere, because you're the only one who can save yourself, heal yourself, and brace yourself for a new 'adventure'.
At some point during high school, I thought I was ready. I jumped in, I fell hard, with no consideration. I wasn't thinking very clear, I guess? It was too fast and before there was 'us', it broke. For a numerous time. We tried fixing it, but in the end, I gave up. I mean, it was hard, but I regret nothing. I went over a denial period too. I don't need a boyfriend. There's no time for dating. I guess it's my time to find myself so I know what I'll be looking for.
Let's just pretend that we know that those made up shits are indeed made up shits.
There's only one thing I look for, and it has been that way for years. Comfort. Of course for me to be comfortable around someone will be hard because I have, like, a dozen of cards and they won't unfold easily. Plus, I like having someone to 'come home' to. It's just so comforting that out of seven billion people in this world, there's one person who won't be too tired to listen about your day and won't be too bored to know that you have exactly the same kind of day everyday. The one person that can't wait for the night to come so he'd have all the time to talk to you, and to say good night to.
And for the last... I don't know? Five months? Maybe five months or even more, I've found that person. I guess the universe is finally doing something right. He was just a best friend. I mean, he occasionally flirts but that's just how he is. I expect nothing because he's kind of everybody's best friend. But some things lead to another things and somehow we're kind of dating. Long story short, add another month and we're officially dating. Officially dating. It's kind of big and (of course) unexpected yet expected. I kinda knew he was the one for me, that even if I can't have him, he raised the bar of my expectation much much higher than before.
It's kinda funny when the platonic love I always have for him turned romantic. I mean, there's no pdkt for us. Everything before dating was pdkt but it wasn't intentional. It's just like we already knew each other so well and decided to fall in love together. I mean, I used to relate love with roller coasters and being so scared about what's going to happen next, not knowing whether should I dive in head first or dipping my toes one by one because you'll never know what will happen. In this scenario, I still don't know what will happen in the next minute but because we're in this together, it took out the scariness. He took out my insecurities and for some reason, it's not that scary anymore. He made falling in love less scary, but not less insane. I still have butterflies. I still catch myself smiling crazily over good night texts, even though it's the same format every night. My heart still races every time I'm going on a date with him, even though the second I saw him, it all became worth it. Because he's so worth it.
I guess things will eventually come to you when you're ready. Not just love. The cool thing about this, though, is that I never knew that I was ready. It was a huge surprise, better than seven trips to Disney World (I'm not kidding. It's DISNEY WORLD. It's a big deal to me) or eating bacon without risking being burned in hell. This won't be easy, but I guess I won't give up this time.
Nope. Not this time.