Thursday, May 31, 2012

Depressed or loony.

DisorderYour Score
Major Depression:Slight-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:Very Slight
Cyclothymia:Very Slight
Seasonal Affective Disorder:Extremely High
Postpartum Depression:N/A
Take the Depression Test
I'm in my school hours and I'm dead bored. Everybody is doing something I've done (the task) or playing cards. Boys. They're way louder than girls are, they just have too much pride to actually said that. 

Another bored games... Bolds are for the happenings.

(2012... so far)
Gotten a new piercing.Dyed my hair.Ended a relationship.Started a new relationship.Been on a long a car journey.Passed an exam.Met someone who’s now an important part of my life.Cried on someone’s shoulder.Had a massive fight with a boyfriend.Recieved flowers.Had a Valentine.Written a letter using pen and paper.Gone to see a therapist.Been prescriped medication by a doctor.Read a really good book.Gone to the zoo.Spent too much money on unnecessary things.Travelled by train.Cried over a member of the opposite sex.Spent a day out in the sun getting a tan.Slammed a door out of frustration.Had an anxiety attack.Babysat for a friend’s child.Had a BBQ.Gone to the fair.Gone bowling.Seen a film at the cinema in 3D.Gone on a date.Been the only sober one on a night out.Helped someone home after they’d had too much to drink.Stayed up all night.Talked on the phone for over two hours.Supported someone who’d received bad news.Watched some kind of live sporting event.Read an entire book in one day.Bought a DVD the day it was released.Eaten McDonald’s more than four times in a single week.Cried as a result of exam stress.Met some incredible new people.Gone to several great parties.Fallen backwards off a chair.Broken my glasses.Worn a watch for the first time in years.Cried over someone in my past.Spent hours aimlessly browsing the internet.Thrown up due to food poisoning.Cried over a film.Gone out of my way to avoid an ex-boyfriend.Fought with someone in public.

and I'm ready to share my impossible (tattoo) list! 

It's not a lot, isn't it? ;)

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Redefine me, will you?

Without you life was too much for me.
And if apologises will never be enough, then what is?

Putih Abu, no more.

This week I've been busy; as usual, but in a very good way with this reason. I've been practicing my ass off to help in the choir for my senior, Incredible Quindecim. In further notice, we've realised that the only thing that keep us burning and singing in a good way, is the meal we had before. That, plus OSIS held an annual event called Dikit Day or Hari Pendidikan dan Kebangkitan Nasional. In Dikit Day, I was the Dandan Pahlawan contest's responsibilities, and my problem is just one; I kept losing my judges due to the very busy day! Of course, we ended up finding some but it would be nicer if I have my old judges back. Also, I was the top three of the Last One Standing. It's a contest of general knowledge, mostly civil stuff. This event was held in Monday, and we wore batik instead of our usual putih abu uniforms.

Gave a personal touch by adding the peace signs.

Me (white shirt, purple skirt)! I didn't have a photo of me in the top three, well, not in the highest quality.

The graduation was held today, on Wednesday, and we didn't get to wear our putih abu (again). Instead, we put on some fancy batiks and a uniform shirt of Paduan Suara Bina Insani, and my favourite part; some heights to give our look a maximum polish. I wore Mom's maduranese batik gentongan and Up! Stella wedges. I brought pink roses today, ten of them, for the loveliest alumna, Fadia Idzna! I'm so happy for her, for reaching the top of the ladder and reaching more dreams, but I'm kind of upset too, realising that she won't be there everyday, they won't be there everyday anymore. I've been in many kinds of school; the public, the private, the semi-public but private school; and in my opinion, the 15th generation is my favourite seniors. I mean, the way they treated their juniors and be a bunch of upstanding members of the community. I want to be like them when I'm in my 11th, 12th grade. 

And everybody knows that the advantage of contributing to this kind of event is that you get a chance to take pictures with the seniors that you've adore for a year; two maximum. Lucky, I have no shame and personally know an alumna, I get to take pictures with my idols of the year, hehehehe. 

Me and kak Fadia. The roses are from me<3 (They drew a lot of question, fyi:p)

Me and kak Dika, the former OSIS leader. He's too awesome, you know.

Me and kak Dias! He's the funniest guy ever, and I feel so lucky he knew me. Hehehehe *major starstruck*

Me and kak Ricky. Kak Ricky got in to Universitas Indonesia, Physics faculty. Go physics!

And this is me and kak Bembi. We are born from the same Mommy in the same way; We're Lady Gaga's little monsters, and we were born this way!

(l-r) Me, Abiw, Hani, Zhafira/Solo, Sarah. We sang our throats off!

Me! I did the make up by myself and helped others too. I braid my hair (cascade braid, I learnt it from here) and put on some orange/pink lip and blush.

I didn't put on my putih abu uniform this week. They won't be putting on their putih abu uniform anymore.

Saturday, May 26, 2012


Day 11: A Journalist. A businesswoman. A very important person.

Day 12: Good. Great. Fine.

Day 13: Everything in me. There's always a reason to mock, thus it breaks my heart and the reasons made a long list. If plastic surgery, tattoos, and hair extension are not haram I'd be doing them for sure.

Day 14: Quirkiness, dark hair. Great taste of music. Loyalty. Thick eyebrows. A smile that's too beautiful, it stops my world and fill up my stomach with butterflies. A mature soul, but has the gut to have fun.

John Mayer's Born and Raised is to die for. And Maroon5 tickets are so damn expensive.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Jadi sebenarnya, aku ini siapa?

P.S. Long post.

Hari ini dijemput bunda dari sekolah, dan hal ini jarang banget. Go on, pamer tentang orang tua kalian yang selalu dirumah, bisa antar jemput sekolah, masak sesuatu di rumah, siapin bekal. Temenin bikin pr, temenin curhat. I know I'm proud to say that I lived all on by my own. I am what I am, aku tumbuh sendiri, pola pikirku terbentuk sendiri, cara aku melihat orang, menentukan siapa yang teman dan siapa yang musuh; Itu dari aku sendiri, I chose to be that. But when it comes to how to run my life, I have none whatsoever, not even a fingerprint in the plan.

Menurut peta keempat orangtuaku, aku harus lulus di umur delapan belas. That is pretty logical. Aku nggak berencana untuk tinggal kelas, dan aku nggak mau tinggal kelas. Setelah itu, aku harus cepet-cepet sekolah bisnis di luar negeri. Singapore is my choice, because it's near Indonesia. Setelah lulus undergrad, aku harus terus lanjut sampai aku dapet gelar doktor di umur dua puluh lima. No stopping, no commas. Di antara seluruh rencana yang kupikir itu rencana gila, dua puluh lima tahun. Dua puluh tahun yang isinya belajar, belajar, belajar. Belajar, susun skripsi (yang nggak boleh tertunda), lulus, belajar, susun tesis, lulus, belajar, susun whatever they make on doctorate class, lulus. After, I could do anything I want. 

Of course, in between, you assume that I'll have a normal teenager life. You know, watch movies til 8 pm and went home feeling so good because you just had tons of fun. Not according to my mom. My biological mom. Menurutnya, anak sekolah itu harus dirumah dari pukul lima, belajar, dan tidur pukul delapan. Terus, anak sekolah itu nggak perlu banyak-banyak have fun, karena tugas mereka cuma satu. Belajar. Mom, I can't agree more with you, that my job is to learn and to learn only. But does it hurts to have a little bit fun til it's a tad late. You won't notice it anyway. Belum lagi alasan-alasan lain yang menurutku aneh, gak jelas, dan ribet. Example; No concerts. 

Salah satu band favoritku bakal gelar konser tanggal lima Oktober nanti di Istora Senayan. Istora. Tempat yang tertutup, civilized, dan sering kukunjungin buat nonton Disney On Ice tiap tahun. Maroon5, yes. You guessed it right. Setelah denger berita dan lihat official newsnya via twitter, aku bbm bapak. Minta izin, karena izin ke bunda nggak akan lolos kalau stuck di bapak. He asked a few questions, logical ones. Dimana, kapan, kondisi venue. Dia nggak nolak, nggak ngizinin juga. He said, nanti kubicarakan dengan bundamu. I know I'm so stupid for expecting my mom will let me do that, because her answer is pretty obvious under any circumstances; No. Tapi, dengan keadaanku yang sudah enam belas, selangkah menuju mendapat KTP (yang seharusnya jadi bukti individualitas, not for me), aku masih berharap aku diizinkan pergi. Ugh, I'm such an idiot. 

Dari seluruh peraturan aneh dan quirky dari bunda, cuma ini yang paling kubenci. Kenapa? Karena dia nggak pernah kasih aku kejelasan. Kenapa nggak boleh, setiap ditanya cuma dijawab "Nggak penting." Kenapa? Nggak penting kah, bahagia semalam karena bisa nikmatin lagu-lagu favorit dinyanyikan live sama penyanyi aslinya? Nggak penting kah, punya sesuatu yang nunjukkin, Hey, I've done that. I was young but now, I've matured. Nggak penting kah, untuk membiarkan gadis umur enam belas tahunnya terbawa euphoria, dan untuk semalam, meninggalkan sakitnya dari kegagalan yang terus terusan? I am really tired of living this way. Kalau nggak dilarang, mengalami kegagalan, kehilangan, ketakutan. Kapan abisnya? The other irony is, dia nggak tau aku capek ngerasain hal yang sama sejak ninggalin SMP. Gagal, kesel, emosi, diputar in repeat. Even I think that my sixteen is going to suck, and I've been dreaming to not let that happened.

Fine, kalau mau kekang aku dengan peraturan tanpa alasan, tapi at least be there. Kapan terakhir bunda denger aku ngeluh kalau aku capek gagal terus, aku nggak suka, aku pingin cepet-cepet dewasa? Bunda disitu nggak pas aku gagal tes AFS, dan nangis sendirian di kamar? Kapan terakhir bunda denger aku curhat tentang cowok yang aku suka, tentang bully-an temen temenku yang semakin kreatif dan destruktif at the same time? Aku mau ngomong aja susah, bunda kalau pulang selalu malam, terlalu malam. Aku juga udah capek. Dan kalau bunda di rumah sore, langsung buka laptop terus fokus kerja, dipanggil aja belum tentu nengok. Kalau weekends, belum tentu juga cerita. Sekarang ceritanya ke siapa? Nggak ada. 

Aku tau kok bunda udah kasih 1000 kesempatan, 1000 hal yang nggak mungkin anak lain dapetin. Disaat yang sama, aku juga kehilangan 1000 kesempatan, 1000 hal yang biasa kulakuin dulu sama bunda. Jadi, aku sebenernya siapa? Terlalu jauh untuk dibilang best friends kaya dulu, terlalu terikat untuk menjalin hubungan orang tua-anak yang normal. Aku tau bunda sibuk, nyari uang, yang akhir-akhirnya juga buat aku. Tapi apa susahnya spare satu jam, cuma buat dengerin kenapa aku mau ini, kenapa aku kaya gitu, kenapa aku pingin jadi itu.

To moms, future moms, soon-to-be moms out there, bukan cuma lovers yang nggak suka perubahan, nggak suka diatur tanpa alasan, dibuat terkurung tanpa penjelasan. We, daughters, too. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!

I know it's r-rated stuff because it's a coverup of a murder, yes. But Chicago's shit is great.

Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!

p.s. Pop is for Ernie, gum-popper guy. Six is for the six wives the mormon has. Squish is how it sounds when the knife ran into him ten times. Uh-uh is what the German stated, telling she's not guilty. Cicero is the hotel where Veronica and her sister was staying. Lipschitz is the name of the artist.

Day 9&10: Things I never done before.

Day 9: I wish I have the gut to smoke, because I see that it relieved so much pain? But I think I definitely would drink spirits when I'm older. Like, champagne for celebrating. And if I smoke, I'll smoke something thin and mild. Something super thin, in a cute box.

Day 10: I have a normal piercing, in both ears which I rarely use. I'd love a wrist tattoo, something that says In Omnia Paratus, or Amor vincit omnia, or l'amore e cieco. Fortis et liber. The words I use to guide my days with, to support me when I'm down. But again, tattoo is haram so... I'd pen my wrist instead.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Pottermore kid.

Hello! I know I've been busy playing Pottermore because it's so fun and it's addicting. My username is NifflerBronze21008 and I'm sorted to Ravenclaw, yay! I love the long, welcoming letter, saying hello to me for being 'clever and quirky'. Now I get why my username got bronze in it, because Ravenclaw's colour is Blue and Bronze. Bs for Brina. Yay. My wand is black walnut with phoenix core, just like Harry Potter. I'm so cocky about this fact I feel like I'm a Slytherin. 

My wand.

Though the size is unbelievably short, hardly 11 inches. But I'm so proud of my phoenix core. I don't know what's my favourite character's core is (Luna Lovegood, the girl of mystery), I hope she's a phoenix too with a fact that she got along with Harry who has the same core. It's not flexible at all, but I can't imagine having a swishy wand.

My house is Ravenclaw, and I truly believe that my heart is blue, lined with bronze. I always adore this house for years, and even though it's not as spotlighted as Gryffindor or Slytherin in the movies or the books, it still somehow wins my heart. 

And once again: well done on becoming a member of the cleverest, quirkiest and most interesting house at Hogwarts.

Yes, well done, B!

P.S. My varsity jacket is here! Going to wear the D soon with my docs:)

Day 3-8: I missed out, I know....

I'm going to do it quick, ok.

Day 3: Never!!! :(

Day 4: Who, I don't know. Why? It's too fucked up. I'm not supposed to like a guy in the first place because I'm not supposed to have a crush with guys because guys are annoying. I'm saving all my heart for that perfect, inexistent man in the future whom I wish will never appear so I could live my life to my fullest alone, because I still think (to this day) that men are the most inappropriate thing women should live with.

Day 5: Hmmm. This is familiar. My family's chaos and several rejection I've been through.

Day 6: Jeje, Meivy, kak Fadia, Amel. They are perfect in every way possible, but different in any way possible.

Day 7: This is hard. Tricky. I just have to pick 'The Devil Wears Prada' and Audrey's 'Funny Face'

Day 8: Straight, because a lesbian or a bisexual me would be even more... Contentious. And I can't imagine making out with both sexes. Heaven, help me.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Day 2: Favorite Band

OH MY GOD THIS IS HARD. I like Endah N Rhesa, Florence+the Machine, She and Him, Lady Antebellum, The Script, Paramore, a lot. But my favorites among the favorites is going to be Endah N Rhesa and Florence+the Machine.

Endah N Rhesa, is a funky duo who sings... Cute songs because everything is sung by guitars and Endah's voice is too cute to be true. My favorite songs are "Blue Day" and "Midnight Sun"

They're spouses, and they're both from Bandung. They will held a gig here, in Bogor, but I can't go because I have to attend my uncle's wedding, d'uh. I found a super sweet picture of them.

I want a guitarist boyfriend so we'll play together like them!<3

Second, Florence+the Machines. It's actually Florence Welch with the band, but she produces the most amazing production ever, e.g. Dog Days Are Over, and the new album Ceremonials.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Day 1: Why your last relationship ended.

janskdanlsankdmandfkjdsfanskjfajriethanjgak at this question. Well, here's the thing. My last relationship sucks. If I could de-count it, I would. It ended because he was cheating and I'm still stuck at my past, just like I am now. Here's the thing, when you have a history with someone, and that history is nowhere near the bad, traumatic one, you won't be able to forget it. You'll move on, or let it go, or stupidly ignoring the fact that Hey, I've done that. I think I'm going to stay, because that thing I was doing is picture perfect, or I'm not trying that, it's way too risky. I think I'm going to stay and cuddle my amazing past. Do I want to stay in the same condition, no. I'm staying because I haven't met that person who's going to snap me out of it, to grab my hand and show me that it's actually okay to omit the past, and the future is waiting to be explored. In the end, all I have to do is just wait, right?

30 Days Challenge? Game on!

Give he a listen; Mahesa Utara

NYLON give a neat article about him, and I'm attracted instantly. a) He's so friggin gorgeous, b) He's a dj, c) He looks like he got... Swag.

This one is my particular favourite. His remixes are sicckkkkkk.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Summing Up: Part two

So today is the last of this amazing week. We #17 got the school to ourselves during 11/5-12/5 because the #16 is away at home stay. The school just seems loopy and distracted because there's really nothing going on there. I only studied maximum two at Thurs and one only at Friday. Hell yeah it's fun to not be studying, but gosh if only you know how much I've been missing. The strange thing is, I haven't study much and I didn't do most of my home works. Teachers are complaining but... What can I do. I'm 70% tired, 10% busy, 18% lazy and 2% dead. On the inside.

Saturday's is all fussy because my schedule is TOTALLY packed. I got my 9a.m. to 7p.m. full. The first hours are spent with chemical because I suck at chem. Luckily, the only false attempt I did is miscalculating the numbers, and thanks to several people I did em right. Like, x-8=-2 is 4, I mean, Brina seriously. You're too stupid to be true. Then I talk about b**er with Abiw and Amel, disgusting stuff I know. I went to Paguyuban Bogor afterwards and got the zonked envelope. It's alright, I let it go, until I see this...

It just broke my heart that they spell out my name as 'Sabhrina'.

This was the inside.

After listening to things there, Alira drove me to meet Meivy at Domino's Pizza. We ate cheesy bread and thin crusted pizza, then we went to the gym. As usual, I didn't burn much calories as always, sigh. Meivy had to cut her hair because it was like, a crappy, ugly, creature that lives in her head so we went to the salon. I check out C&F Perfumery afterwards and decided that ckbe smells really good, too good to be true. I think I'm going to ask that to mom. We took photos afterwards and we went home!

Btw, I didn't make it to AFS Second base selection. But Mahesa Utara's music just boost my night!<3

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Summing Up

I got some words up in my noodle but too sleepy to wrote it down. Coming up.

Take me away

I want one, pulled out of the...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

When we die, we will turn into songs, and we will hear each other and remember each other.

So, a friend of mine, Feby Wulandari had an accident at last Saturday and her condition is critical ever since. She done a surgery, a major one, and it was successful. But she's getting worse every single day and this morning at 9a.m. she passed away. I still can't believe that she's gone, like, she's not going to be there again, every single morning, unlocking her locker and carrying books. I had goodbyes but I never had this particular one before. I know death is impossible to reject but I wish she had live longer. The amount of tears I took out and the massive headache I'm going to get will not pass the pain of losing a friend. Yes, I'm not all so-close-we-know-each-other-secrets with her, but she's the sun in the class, the motivation when we're down. And her locker door is impeccable. She has the most determination to go through anything.

I know fate and wants could be super contradicting, as I watch her body lay on the floor, helpless. I want her to smile, to enjoy the fresh air and the humming birds, but I can't. I didn't have enough guts to see her being buried, and yes, I may not cry the hardest but my heart just shook off when I see flowers sprinkled in her yard. My knee turns to jelly. And I wish Allah heard every prayer that we sent for her, and guide her along the way back.

Oh dear, I'll miss you quite terribly.

Feby Wulandari
You'll continue to live in our hearts.

"Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of s/he lived and how s/he died that distinguish one man from another" Ernest Hemingway
Then, you'll be distinguished as a special one, By.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Happy Birthday, M!

I started to get close to her at 9th grade, post-2010 breakup. We worked on pagelaran together, took bunch of yearbook photos together, watch movies, went out of town at weekends, watched triplex reborn together, and ended up registering ourselves to the gym retail in the city. She's the most normal person, for me. The only insane thing she does is... I don't know, I don't remember. She's too normal to be a friend of mine but when her senses are off or her nerve system collapse, we go together like copy and paste.

She's finally sixteen, and I just realised I'm only several days older than her. We have the same crush on the gym, we called him Mario because he just fit the name. Mario. But I don't know why, but I'm the one who kept noticing him and staring him like crazy. She burnt off 300+ calories during treadmill while I only burn 150+, and she lifted 2x the weight I lift. She's like, the samson version of woman:))

Well, I wish her the greatest in sixteen. Sixteen is the elixir of life. Sixteen is the year of the year. Gotta spend it right!

P.S. Happy Birthday(5/7) too for the ever cocky, perfectionist, too creative, and baged bastard, Ziljian Qisti. I've recorded a song to pay back your present but I'm way too shy to give you a listen.

Thursday, May 3, 2012