Monday, December 22, 2014

Whoa... Right?

I can't even start on how empty this blog is.

It's almost 2015, and I kept saying things like, "Udah Ganeshout aja ya..." "Udah pada Outdoor Study aja..." "Bentar lagi UAS... UAS anak kuliah..." to myself when contemplating on how this year went by soooo fast. I didn't even open this blog anymore, even my link buttons are broken --> and I haven't fixed it up a bit.

Let's see. I want to recap what happened with me during 2014:

So... According to my instagram page, I went to a wedding and there was Pembekalan for seniors in high school. That was so fun. I remember doing a lot of qiyamul lail and because of that, I got the best student award thing. I was so proud and a bit confused. I thought I had the worst development during high school because my grades are degrading and I'm not as excited as I was in terms of learning. I was a bit of a trouble during high school, but again, who doesn't? This month is also the month I bought the clip-on fisheye lenses. Hashtag so important.

This is where the stress kicked in, right? RIGHT? I went to another wedding, but this time, it's with my best friends. Geng Optimis ftw. This month is also the month I gave up on Perguruan Tinggi Negeri. I got accepted to the university that I am in now, and let's just say I was so happy, ecstatic, excited, and totally have no clue on what's going to happen next. I also have a fabulous, kickass body at this time. No, really, I fit XXS and I swear to god I'm so pretty skinny.

So. Stressed. For. UN.
(No time for life)

Birthday month! I was excited to turn 18 because it's still 18. I'm not excited to turn 19 now, because at some point, I still introduce myself as a 17 year old girl. Sorry world. This month was the last classmeeting, my first (and last) Malam Bimbingan Taqwa or mabit, voted for the legislative election, chopped my long, tousled, perfect hair down to my shoulders, totally dying on UN (cried 2/3 days, no big deal) and had an amazing birthday by doing a run and brunch afterwards. I guess early this month was also the time that I realized I fell in love with my best friend... :)

This month was very... Relaxed. I literally have nothing to do until September, which is when first class is happening. I was busy cheering for my friends, and preparing for graduation. That means watching Michelle Phan 24/7 and trying a bunch of makeup looks, working out so the dress will fit better... Graduation was on the 28th, I got a bouquet of flower (from Kakak, yay!) and had a lot of fun. 'Us' was official this month, but no one kinda knows.

We told people. It was crazy. His birthday was on this month, so we exchanged gifts (it took him TWO months to give me my birthday gifts. Let's see if next year he'll do better). Although it was late, it was still the sweetest thing I ever received. I never knew he had that in him. It was funny for me, being in a relationship and all, because I was single throughout high school. I kinda forgot how it feels to have someone to share all the things, and to have someone to say all the fuzzy things. At the end, I went to Dufan with some friends, went to Surabaya for a week or two (can't remember) and starting Ramadan in Surabaya.

I got fat. Ramadan didn't affect me AT ALL. The most special buka bersama is a tie between the one with Bharatayudha and the one with me and him and Alif and Diva. I spend Eid Al-Fitr in Semarang with my family. 2014 is the year of travelling.

Oh, August. Things went crazy for a bit. I went to Tanjung Pinang for a long time, preparing things for my Uni there. Briefing day happened, and also Inauguration. We wore the same Alma! 

W-days, P-day, Outbound. Going to Bandung to visit a friend for the first time. First day of class on the 22nd and I sat on the farthest back. I spent a lot of money on my first week...

Nothing special; just a lot lot lot of assignments.

Midterms! But managed to go to Bina Insani Fusion Student Concert, Bali for 4 days, and joining the most FUN part of this year: IYLC 2014. I'm a proud AIESEC-ers. IYLC really opened my mind. AIESEC is a great organization, guys. I know joining in the organization, it is and will be really hard, but if you could, be free and because you only lived once, join several programs that we made like GDCP and GIP. I promise you, what you'll find and feel and experience will exceed your expectation. Went to Jazz Goes to Campus and...

... Marked another first thing to our milestone calendar. I cried. Felt terrible. I can't believe it's already December. I've been dating him for seven months; that's five months to go to our first year. I've been in Uni for three months, and add another month, I will finish one semester. I've done countless assignments, learnt tons of new things I haven't learned in high school, falling in love endlessly with the amazing guy I'm with, having new friends on campus, keeping in touch with my old friends, being involved in my organization, and tons of other things.

A lot has happened to me, and not all are shareable. I want to be more committed to blogging in 2015, but it's so hard to omit the details, but sometimes I don't want to attach the details. I'm learning a lot in 2014, and to be honest, if I could pause time and stay in this year, I totally would. My days are so much better than my previous years. I am so happy in 2014 and you knew who's the reason behind it.

I'm just saying, boys and girls, go out there and find whoever it is that makes you happy. Stick with them. I'm not suggesting that your happiness should be based on others, but having someone to share everything, to talk about everything, to laugh with, to cry with, to be angry with no absolute logical reason with (believe me, he's so strong and nice and amazing for being able to handle my crazy mood swings) that makes you happy 24/7 is kinda great. Wait, no. Not kinda. It's great.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Getting in and not wanting to get out of it

And by it, I mean a relationship.

The last time I dated was junior high going to high school. It's been a long, long time. It wasn't anything like love, though. It's more like a game. He knew it, I knew it. It won't last. I know it was a mistake, a messy one. Getting in a relationship when you're still too broken won't get you anywhere, because you're the only one who can save yourself, heal yourself, and brace yourself for a new 'adventure'.

At some point during high school, I thought I was ready. I jumped in, I fell hard, with no consideration. I wasn't thinking very clear, I guess? It was too fast and before there was 'us', it broke. For a numerous time. We tried fixing it, but in the end, I gave up. I mean, it was hard, but I regret nothing. I went over a denial period too. I don't need a boyfriend. There's no time for dating. I guess it's my time to find myself so I know what I'll be looking for

Let's just pretend that we know that those made up shits are indeed made up shits. 

There's only one thing I look for, and it has been that way for years. Comfort. Of course for me to be comfortable around someone will be hard because I have, like, a dozen of cards and they won't unfold easily. Plus, I like having someone to 'come home' to. It's just so comforting that out of seven billion people in this world, there's one person who won't be too tired to listen about your day and won't be too bored to know that you have exactly the same kind of day everyday. The one person that can't wait for the night to come so he'd have all the time to talk to you, and to say good night to.

And for the last... I don't know? Five months? Maybe five months or even more, I've found that person. I guess the universe is finally doing something right. He was just a best friend. I mean, he occasionally flirts but that's just how he is. I expect nothing because he's kind of everybody's best friend. But some things lead to another things and somehow we're kind of dating. Long story short, add another month and we're officially dating. Officially dating. It's kind of big and (of course) unexpected yet expected. I kinda knew he was the one for me, that even if I can't have him, he raised the bar of my expectation much much higher than before.

It's kinda funny when the platonic love I always have for him turned romantic. I mean, there's no pdkt for us. Everything before dating was pdkt but it wasn't intentional. It's just like we already knew each other so well and decided to fall in love together. I mean, I used to relate love with roller coasters and being so scared about what's going to happen next, not knowing whether should I dive in head first or dipping my toes one by one because you'll never know what will happen. In this scenario, I still don't know what will happen in the next minute but because we're in this together, it took out the scariness. He took out my insecurities and for some reason, it's not that scary anymore. He made falling in love less scary, but not less insane. I still have butterflies. I still catch myself smiling crazily over good night texts, even though it's the same format every night. My heart still races every time I'm going on a date with him, even though the second I saw him, it all became worth it. Because he's so worth it.

I guess things will eventually come to you when you're ready. Not just love. The cool thing about this, though, is that I never knew that I was ready. It was a huge surprise, better than seven trips to Disney World (I'm not kidding. It's DISNEY WORLD. It's a big deal to me) or eating bacon without risking being burned in hell. This won't be easy, but I guess I won't give up this time.

Nope. Not this time.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

... Back? For a bit.

Errr. It's been a while.

I'm not so sure I'm even capable of writing posts anymore. Let's try.
Updates on my life... I've had my 18th birthday! It was wonderful. I wanted to try something a little different so I didn't do the usual dinner party hosting. I took two of my best friends out for a run (yes. A run. On my birthday) and even though I ended up walking and bitchtalk everyone with 1/3 of the crowd, it was so fun. We took the bus, eventually. The distance was so far and I'm a pussy. Afterwards, we went on Brunch and watch a chick flick on the theatre. My first wisher was Jeje (yay for six years friendship) and the second was very special. I am avoiding personal pronouns here but let's just say I didn't regret staying up that late when I have to be up that early.
One of the highlights of May was going to see Spider-Man. I didn't watch the ones with Tobey Maguire but last weekend I watched the second one. Somebody said it was the worst version of it, I thought it was okay, but I do loved the Andrew Garfield's version more, because #EMDREW #STONEFIELD. It's a relationship goal, you know. To not work when you work. I kinda feel like the story was a bit pushy though. I prefer the first one, but, it was not the movie that makes the event significant.
Oh, this month is graduation month. With the national exam being one of the hardest thing I've ever did in my history of learning, I really hope everyone did great and pass and just continue with college life. It's really hard, though, with all the cheats and the answer keys because it really put me on the spot. I hardcried twice because I was so afraid.
so much
College starts September 22nd. It's still a really long way to go, is it?
Boyfriend! :D

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Please, do whatever you want, fear.

Hello 2014. So far it's been great and yes, I only blog when I can't sleep. It's an impulse-activity when I'm wide awake.

So I stumbled across tumblr and found this:

Please do not feed the fears

I think like I know it all, but I know I'm feeding my fears. My fears are nothing but obese contextual things that lived only in my mind, and they're ready to gain more weight.

I'm not going to stop feeding them because fear is the thing that drives me right now. I'm a tangled strands of an obese fear. My list of fear is never ending lines and that includes things that super obvious but never was in my eyes because the fears are blocking my sight. My list includes things that are super impossible and never gonna happen, but the what ifs in my brain are making up excuses and scenarios on how will it happen, when will it happen, and how will I feel when it happen. My list includes a list of songs in the past with the memories with it. My list includes people. My list includes tragedies, and the repetition of it. My list includes my past, my present, and my future, written in big capitals, followed by a how-to guide to ruined them, since I'm a professional in ruining things uncontrollably.

I am so afraid. I can't stop feeding my fears, they'll eat me.