Tuesday, July 30, 2013

On friendship and things like that.

My six years best friend, Jeje, tweeted me this. It's kinda funny though. As we separate school, we, well, I, often get questions like, how long have you been friends? and where did you meet? We met at 7A of SMPN 1 Kota Bogor. I was awkward and stupid as usual and I have no idea that the girl sitting next to me in the pre-orientation will be my best friend of six years.

It's a big number you know. Considering we're only seventeen.

My first ever contact of her is her email address which I still remember until now. I remembered her old cellphone number and stop trying to remember her new ones because I basically have copies of it everywhere, in case of emergencies. We've done a lot together but one thing we never do is trying. Even though it's six years, I have done no effort whatsoever being best friends with her.

Because we never fight, we have arguments. We love to agree to disagree. Mi casa e su casa but this applies to our bank accounts. We talk about everything yet we still keep things to ourselves, which is fine. We never fuss. We didn't talk for half a year but when we met, we knew what each other do the day before. We didn't share stories because we simply know. She just knows from my voice whether I like this guy, I'm about to fall in love with this guy or I've fallen in love, head over heels crazy about this guy. Like I say, it's effortless.

It kinda goes with my other friendships. They just understand that I never share. I share a lot here, but they don't need to read to know. I rarely complain, but they know that I'm so easy to be heated over simple things. They understand too, that I'm super lazy just to text back or that I'm such a bitch and obnoxious, my mouth deserves a super sticky duct tape. We put each other in certain manners and we respect each other. It's like having multiple personalities but people gets you, they don't really think you're cray-cray.

And my guy friends? Crazy. With them, I could be anything I want to be. I'm suddenly a guy they talk to about shaving moustache and weird facts that no one wants to know. I'm suddenly a guy they talk football with, the fact checkers, the transfer rumours snatchers. I'm suddenly a fluent German speaker, suddenly have three stomaches and IMPORTANTLY that I can be funny too. Believe me, funny from a girl's point of view and guys'? Major differences. Nailing both is such a milestone for me.

At this point, I have like, nine favourite people and each plays a big role of my life. I'm eternally grateful and truthfully, life cannot be better. You know, when life gives you a lemon, make a lemonade. When life gives you friends... You make friend-ade? Hahaha.

P.S. Plus you know, worrying is trash. XII IPA-2? MAJOR FUN!!! I cannot wish for a better class. Who cares about competition, because we're marvellous united. Still wishing for this to be the best year of my schooling years, fingers crossed!

Sunday, July 28, 2013


Maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am. Maybe the new me the people've seen is just a shell to protect what's so broken and shattered inside of me. Maybe the concealer that I put under my eyes was not put to correct my eyebags. Maybe the riddle that I wrote along the road is just a disguise after all. Maybe all the curse words I've shouted were the stop button of my tears. Maybe this is not a broken heart. Maybe this is a broken ego. Maybe I should've done it. Maybe I should've not started it. Maybe I should've stayed in the dark and carry my own luggages. Maybe all the quotes were wrong. Maybe all the quotes were right all along. Maybe best friends make the best lovers but maybe they were wrong too. Maybe Sylvia Plath was right all along, it's just us that won't understand. Maybe it's too complicated to explain. Maybe my shell is cracking. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I just want to bury my head on my pillows and never see people again. Maybe I'm too picky. Maybe I'm just too girly. Maybe all the questions aren't necessary because I got the answers all along. Maybe I'm over thinking it. Maybe I need to over think this. Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm not broken, I've broken things.

The first is when someone is reckless with your heart, and it breaks and it shatters in ways you never thought it could.

The second is when you break someone's heart because you'll never know pain like the type tht has you look into their eyes but they look away.

And the worst kind of heartbreak is the kind that comes along when you have to watch the person you love be happy with someone else.

I look away.

Because Charles Bukowski, I've found what I love and I've let it kill me. But yet again, you have to die for a numerous time to actually live. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

(Blue) Rush

Let's just say my experience of watching the BNI All Star v Chelsea FC game is... Extraordinary. No, actually, there's no word that could express the whole thing. From seeing the players in the bus, getting in the stadium, nearly teary, being waved by the whole squad AND my favourite team players... I can't believe I'm actually there. I can't believe that John Terry actually waved back and smiled. I can't believe Branislav Ivanovic gave me a thumb up when I called his name. It's surreal. I've been a fan of John Terry since I'm in year 5, along with Joe Cole and Michael Ballack. The last two is not in team anymore, but the current squad is AMAZING. If you've been there, seeing Hazard dribbling the ball with incredible speed and balance. My whole body ran out of adrenalin when I saw Ivanovic did his famous header (even though it fails) and even though just being loaned away, Romelu Lukaku was such a good sport during the whole game. 

We ended up getting a win with 8-1 and every goal, I jumped off my seat and literally screamed. July 25th had been a blast for me. I know there are still time until the year to end, so... July 25th is definitely one of my best nights of 2013. No. One of my best nights of my lifetime.

Until then, we'll have to (patiently) sit back and wait for the moment when I celebrated one of the games in Stamford Bridge (with 46.000 attendance, yes, Alif, YES).

I didn't took many pictures because I've learnt that some experiences are better recorded in your memories, not in pictures. So... Yeah, basically, I'm a walking euphoria of watching my favourite football team live. I have no regret what so ever and I'm looking forward to another euphoric moments of my life.

Friday, July 19, 2013


So I was just looking through my daily reads (20+ websites, can you believe it? I can't) and saw this post by one of my makeup guru, Caralyn Brook. It's about a personality test with some sort of Enneagram thingy I don't quite get but I tried, and my results are out.

I am one, the Reformer. I share the same traits with Sandra Day O'Connor, Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Mahatma Gandhi, Al Gore, Kate Middleton, Katherine Hepburn, and the list goes on. Needless to say that I feel very awesome at the moment. It's not that I 100% believe this kind of tests, but it kinda helps you know who you really are (our main goal in the teen years, am I right or what?)

Reformers are realistic, conscientious, and principled. They strive to live up to their high ideals.

Below are basic pointers about being a 'one'... And spot on. I *am* hard on myself and I'm super tense and anxious when it comes to excitement. 

How to Get Along with Me
  • Take your share of the responsibility so I don't end up with all the work.
  • Acknowledge my achievements.
  • I'm hard on myself. Reassure me that I'm fine the way I am.
  • Tell me that you value my advice.
  • Be fair and considerate, as I am.
  • Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will help me to forgive.
  • Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries first.
What I Like About Being a One
  • being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal
  • working hard to make the world a better place
  • having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself
  • being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do
  • being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and figuring out wise solutions
  • being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people
What's Hard About Being a One
  • being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not met
  • feeling burdened by too much responsibility
  • thinking that what I do is never good enough
  • not being appreciated for what I do for people
  • being upset because others aren't trying as hard as I am
  • obsessing about what I did or what I should do
  • being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously
Ones as Children Often
  • criticize themselves in anticipation of criticism from others
  • refrain from doing things that they think might not come out perfect
  • focus on living up to the expectations of their parents and teachers
  • are very responsible; may assume the role of parent
  • hold back negative emotions ("good children aren't angry")
Ones as Parents
  • teach their children responsibility and strong moral values
  • are consistent and fair
  • discipline firmly 

There are 32 questions and I answered 8 (most of each category) on this particular trait. My secondary most is number four, which is the Individualist. Dare to take the test?

(please refer back to Cara's site for more detailed info! x)

Thursday, July 18, 2013


So lets just sink all the emotions in and be ECSTATIC about the Champions of Europe coming to town! Plus, tomorrow I'll be hanging out with several of my favourite people in the world, so... Yeah. Life is good :)

P.S. One of my hobbies are dressing up and take pictures BUT it's all fake, baby. I don't look like those donned up in high end makeup and beautiful dresses girls everyday. This is my daily look and what they call as my 'natural bitchface'. I'm a proud owner of one and it brings me less trouble, I believe. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Sense of Belonging = ...

So if you saw my instagram post and my filled-with-excitement tweet to a friend a.k.a no other than Hilmi Yusuf, you'd probably know that I fell in to XII IPA-2. Science two, my dream class. I always have wanted to be in Twelve-Science-Two since I got in Bina Insani. Reasons? Because kak Fadia and Imi was a Twelve Science Two. Because it came second. I love everything that came second. I have a thing for runner-ups. 

Wait. That was awkward. We're not talking about love here, right? LOL. 


As excited as I am, I also found out the cold truth the hard way. I have no friend. Like, friend-let's-get-crazy-together-friend. As you know there are eight girls, and everyone has been paired up for good and I don't have to name names, it's obvious like that. Except me and Sarah and we're both in the same place. In eleventh grade I am super comfortable having my bestie by my side. We shared the same thoughts and jokes and YouTube channels. Different taste of music, but it didn't really matter. If I'm lazy, she's lazy. Not super encouraging, though, but it was comfortable. My safe place, inside the box. Don't get me wrong, I love challenges. I just don't like getting my world upside down. Basically, making me #1 no friend gal counts as one.

It's not that big of deal, of course. It's not like I won't see them outside the class. It's not that it's going to be hard working with this class. It's just that I feel like I'm missing something. I have certain people I really wish to be in the same class with and they're not there.

Apart from my stupid feeling of being friendless (funny, there are actual people out there feeling the same way as I am), I really want this year to be a great year. How I am going to survive the year is still a mystery and I want to get to it ASAP. I don't care about the new rules, I have my own principles. As long as I do good, I'll live. This is the last year of high school and I would love to get my taste of it. A year will flew by so quickly, you won't realise it. I really wish my nerve won't kick in badly so I will enjoy the year and be fearless. I have my plans written down with a pen so there's no going back for me. As much as I feel 'man-I-feel-like-I-don't-belong-here', I want my last year amazing and full of memories. 

I hope I know myself enough to release such bold statements.

Sunday, July 14, 2013


School starts tomorrow. In a not-so-good way. I'm actually scared about the next driving lesson, and I think I'm not ready for more things about Physics. What class I will fall into? Will I follow a pattern? I don't want to follow a pattern. I just want to belong this time.

Well... At least I will try to be Veronica Lodge. She's awesome (and born with it!), such an inspiration.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Spare me the heartbreak

Do you guys know that I absolutely ADORE the crime-solving show, Criminal Minds? Yeah, I can't go to sleep every here and then because of it, but it's still my favourite crime-solving television series. It used to be CSI and NCIS but CSI got way too predictable (equals no fun) and NCIS put a bit of naval politics that I will never understand (no fun too), so... Yeah. Plus, Dr. Reid and Morgan is an eye candy. I'm such a girl sometimes.

The show got me appreciate life more. Like, live your life to your fullest. Psychopaths are everywhere nowadays though I know the situation here is not as bad as in America (and in the TV show) but still. Sometimes the unsub a.k.a. Unknown Subject only has 'types' not 'certain people I want to kill' and I'm forever grateful that my face is a weird kind that doesn't attract weirdos, and I have zombie eyes + constant bitchface to scare people away. My point here is... What if you fit the 'type'? You didn't do ANYTHING wrong, just because you fit the type, you have to be strong enough to be tortured and murdered like in the show. They usually get the bad guy during his third or more victims, but if you survived, it would still leave a freaky trauma to your soul. It's a big big deal. Well, at least for me.

Better sights though, the way the team works is really cool and I think it's the main reason I'm still watching it. Regardless the smart choice of actors and actresses the producers hired for the cast, what they do in the show is really believable and it is really cool. Talk about Penelope Garcia? I still think Abby from NCIS is the queen of every lab in human land but what Penelope does is breathtaking. All techy stuff usually buys me. I'm an easy girl to please. And Dr. Reid crazy intelligence. Even though Emily is no longer in the show, I think she's my favourite female role. She's just so awesome. Plus, little Henry cameo here and there is making me curious every.single.day.

I'm not trying to scare you away though, it's just something in my point of view. Seeing someone's life is literally taken away when I'm here complaining about mine is certainly isn't fair. Some things in life are there to disappoint you, make you happy, make you sad, and that's because c'est la vie. As I said a thousand times before, that makes you you and no, it's not that Oxford University double word brain trick that you've probably seen in Twitter or Tumblr. Or Facebook, if you're still in 2009.

I guess... Spare me the heartbreak, as long as you let me live.

+ Sorry I didn't link up everything! I'm just so tired and I'm waiting my (endless) download of Security Update. I will link it up tomorrow! Oops. I mean, this afternoon? :d

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

In a movie or a drink.

It's funny that I don't have to see you to release some of the longing to met you. To talk to you. To be friends again. I just found you in a glass of something I have yesterday, and I found you in my shirt and I found you in my preferences of dvd. It's like a brand new hello that will never exist.

By the way, this ThoughtCatalog post by the loveliest Alanda Kariza is very moodboosting. Try giving it a click, it won't hurt anyone.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


It's still a long way to go. Wait. Not long. Medium length. Like my hair now. Medium length.

Seeing the whole rush on my twitter timeline is not helping. Like the dilemma you had before a haircut. Enough with the hair relation. Focus now. Let's talk about college. Let's talk about the freaky stuff, because I had a lot to take in today and I need to let it out. I am a year twelve kiddo. Wait, what am I?!?!!!?

It's beyond scary. I think I might put my self in tears just to think about it. I always thought high school was the big part of someone's life but no, it's college. Early twenties is all about finding yourself and it happened in college. I always thought, Pfft. College. I will be steady by I hit seventeen and I will know whatever I want to do with my life by then. 

Uhm... Thirteen year old Brina? I'm not steady... And I don't know what I want to do with my life.

Can I dispose it on the garbage bin, though?

Anyway, I have two options. Both are difficult, though different difficult. Both options led to a different battle that I will conquer, but in a different manner. Both will give the same opportunity in the future and it's ripening with benefits. It's not cheaper or pricier than each other. My options are very... Even. 

Abroad. It's such a dream for me to go and to indulge. Living solo in a faraway land. Far from parents, my baby cousins and family, my besties that always pull me through. There are technology and skype and Line Free Calls, but until printers can print pizza or serve me a bowl of my Mom infamous beef stew, I'm not 100% in it. But a life in Europe. Even the small cities count and it will definitely be a trip. I am not upset over the fact that a) I have to learn a new language, b) it's hard. I just think the whole 'finding myself' thing will work better in Europe. To travel the world, even just a small piece of it has always been my dream. I don't need Eiffel and Pisa, I just want to walk and be a sponge around the beautiful surroundings. Plus... I get the chance to see my favourite football team play in house! Stamford Bridge, how I long for you!

On the other hand... I can just go local. There are a lot of good business school, public or private, that offers International classes if I still want to go abroad. That way, I can stay close to my friends, my parents have more control of me, and I can still eat meat. Call me loco, but I'm afraid I might've turn pescatarian because I cannot afford to eat meat. Eye roll, right. But... That's it? I thought I've grown myself into a self-challenger girl that isn't afraid of anything. Going local might've jinx the theme. I don't want to jinx my theme.

But nonetheless, if you can peek through my twitter timeline (the reason we all here talking about my future. Um... It's protected though), I've been offering people to come with me. To Germany. Do you know a trick of coin the internet has told me? 

If you're puzzled on something and you're torn apart in two options. Flip a coin. Not to see the result, but to find that little wish of the result you want to see when the coin flips. 

I have my decision, and I still have plans for both options. But with future... All you can do after you try, fight, struggle, flip and (finally) blow your head, is wait.

Sunday, July 7, 2013


I was doing some shopping research on Menswear and stumble to this idea. Let's just say that my body is androgynous. Yes. Let's keep the word around.

[from Topman, Zara, and Massimo Dutti. I have no idea where to shop if I'm a guy]

I have a really broad shoulders and zero curve. Well, maybe a bit in my waist but that's it. Some people say my face resembles Nicki Minaj but baby, my body (and my nose!) is nothing like hers. 

Saturday, July 6, 2013


Typical day is being in bed, occasionally checking things on the internet (in bed), sleeping, drinking overly sweeten tea (from bedside table) and taking meds (in bed). I've became one with my bed and when I step outside today, I nearly fainted because I was so weak. Maybe an exercise around the block and a bit of yoga won't hurt too much.

Bringing 'it' on is actually harder than it looks like. I always have to factor some useless things because that's life; full of useless things and crap that needs to be factored in. And these factors are the ones that's bringing me down. I really wish I have more freedom, more than I have now. I wish I don't have to wear uniform to school or obey the rules. I wish I can wear a pair of studded high top-hidden heels in grey because it bitterly reminds me of someone (+ added height. Like, who in the world would refuse added height? Kobe Bryant? He's like in the 0.00001 %, man). I wish I can be as carefree as I used to and even though I am so close right now, it doesn't feel the same. The pressure is too much. I need to let go some of my stupid pet peeves but it seems too much. Don't we all have excess baggage that should've been thrown away years ago but somehow it's still there. Mine is still creeping on the corners. I guess putting it on the corners is a progress, since it used to be the centre of my world. As much as I try to be sappy, you should know that (even with the sucky circumstances) I am happy. I just bought my dream Nikicio t-shirt and a ticket to see my favourite football team this month. I sing loudly, trying to remember all the lyrics from the movie Despicable Me 2. I washed my hair and clip my nails, eat good things and yummy produce. I daydream a lot and thankfully a lot of it has came true. I am happy, I'm just in a bad place.

P.S. If you notice that I'm not in your blog 'follower' bubble anymore, that's because I've moved everything to bloglovin and you can Follow my blog with Bloglovin. It's just easier for me because I had a lot of blogs on my daily reads and now it's just a click away to everything.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

What to avoid and what's amazing

What to avoid: Zedd. Anything Zedd has to go, even though his stuff is AMAZING.

What's amazing: Daft Punk. Now I know why he's on everybody's playlist.

What to avoid: lovequotesrus.tumblr.com, even though it's AMAZING.

What's amazing: lovequotesrus.tumblr.com because it's basically my diary.

What to avoid: Shopping malls.

What's amazing : Rookie Yearbook One by Tavi Gevinson.

What to avoid: Diet. Because Ramadan is coming! YAY!

What's amazing: Food. Who cares your clothes are always too big anyway.


Welcome to [ parenthesis ]

the 'about me' link is not working. Yet.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Around my feelings

Pink isn't usually my preference but Lily Allen (and the lyrics) caught my attention. God I missed her so much. And some more things.

Driving lesson starts in 9 days and tuition starts tomorrow! Gaahhh can't believe I'm a Y12 kiddo already. As I said before... Bring it on.

Happy 300th post.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013


'Breathing you in when I want you out' starts to really make sense nowadays. Shadows of you is coming back and truthfully, I hate that. I hate that I start chasing you down and doing things I wasn't supposed to do and no, it's not that I hate hurting myself, I hate the pain source. If I am not a masochist of my own pain, I don't know what I am. Truth is, I like hurting my self. Continuous torturing of realising that you'll always be the pieces I didn't need but I always have. That I will never get rid of you. That the show must go on, that I sleep just fine and I eat just fine and I sip my coffee just fine but it's amazing when you're around. I hate that I'm running down to your exact path and I have no idea to dodge the fact that I am a failure throughout the year and nothing can change that. I hate that you're a part of it too when you can be the one that saves me. 'Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving'. And for the dozens time I will say nothing to questions of you, about you or concerning and regarding you because I don't want to care. Moving on on life is easy when you've done it several times but it's the cleaning up that's gonna get you exhausted. For some reason I chose not to clean up and left it all hanging there but that's a place I kept finding myself returning to. Shadows of nothingness because where love is lost your ghost is found. Every time I tried to remember, I remember nothing but long, tiring, useless conversation and somehow all the bitter things have gone. And then I remember that it has been nothing but bitter things all along and it's back to ground zero. That I hate you, that I want you gone, that I wish I had never met you in my life. To kill you means one thing and one thing only; shadows are killed with lights.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Strongest woman of my life

Happy birthday.

with the amount of crap I've put you up to, it's great that you will always got my back and bought me a piece of toy that will make my collection perfect, yet it continually grows each year. Even though you always got my favourite ice cream flavour wrong.