Friday, March 30, 2012


I have to admit, even though I am raised in a wonderful, pure beauty of Javanese Culture, I'm built over the foundation of Gossip Girl, and Gilmore Girls, and Burger King, and 'My Sweet Sixteen' in MTV, so I'm all about 'Sixteen is the time of my life'. Clashing with Indonesian culture who pray over turning seventeen, I'd rather be sixteen and have my fab sixteenth birthday party.

So I have already pick my invitees and the theme (black and white!), the dress code, the pattern of the invitation, the place, the food, my outfit. But it hasn't come out as a reality because I haven't design and contact them all-______- I just got a patisserie who handles macaron towers because I want a macaron tower as my birthday cake. I'm holding my birthday party in the Teppanyaki restaurant in Bogor, and the room only fit about 15 person or so, and it's perfect! The dress code is black, after a research that not that many people have whites, and I'll be wearing sequins and stilletos because Mom said when I'm sixteen, I can wear almost anything I could (I guess velvets and sheer shirts are never acceptable for mom, sigh). I've been searching for inspirational pictures, I wish my plan went perfecttt, just like the guest list:)

I want it to be salted caramel/pistachio only though... But I'll keep an open mind!

The pattern for the invitation. I know Damask is too mainstream, but I love this pattern from first sight!<3

Teppanyaki for feast!

Sequins stuff!!!

and a pair of Arabian eye.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Pride Kills.

So... Some of you might know I have daddy issues. I never get along with my Dad, and I don't know whose fault is it, or who started it in the first place. Well, the thing is, I never wanted to listen and he rarely provided me... Security. I always flashback on the moments when he punished me for simple things (and it still hurts, knowing I was so little and frail), and nights I have spent missing him while he's out because he's rarely home. I never knew what was the reason. I never knew why he would go home to have dinner he bought from the local seller, instead of mom's great dishes. I never knew why he never stay at home during daylight and night as well, because he often left the house after he had dinner, off to someplace mysterious, I don't know. I wasn't able to ask him, because mom has a very tight bedtime, and by the time I'm tucked in my bed, he's still gone. I remember he entering the room and praying on me, and it was my favourite memory of Daddy. I have no memory of learning how to ride a bike with Daddy because he never there. I have no memory of him helping my homeworks. I have no memory about him taking my report card, and smiling because I've work so hard to achieve the greatness I did. All I have are plain text messages and empty phone calls, a week of Christmas vacation for a year with no Daddy, sometimes less. All I know is I disappoint Daddy so much, about not being able to get in to Smansa and having heaps and heaps of failure. And it kills me to do this because all of my pride and fear towards Daddy, as I pretended I do not care when it's his birthday, when all I wanna do is have a simple dinner with him because he's getting old, and I'm getting bigger, and I want him to be proud of me, but all I do is disappointing him by missing every phone calls he gave me and not replying his text messages. I miss Daddy, but he's too faraway, he's too distant, he was never there at the first place. I've mould myself into a person that lives with no Daddy, smile without Daddy, but the truth is I miss him too much it hurts for me to enjoy my time with him. All the pain he put towards me during my youth didn't hurt me at all, but as I grew older, I kept denying every fact that it did hurt me a little, it made me the person I am today. Until now, every time I have Daddy in the room, you can see a big iceberg that separates us so evenly, and I really want to destroy that, yet my pride chained my hands and freeze my heart. 

I miss Daddy so much, I've spent nights without his prayers during my sleep, spent days without he contacting me, spent months without seeing him. I wish my pride fades away. Because I really miss Daddy. And what he taught me all the way is to be strong, to not cry, and to have no revenge... A bad person may ruin your day. A bad person may took away your important things for a while. A bad person might lie through their teeth and speak the bad of you without your acknowledgement, but all of that is not a reason to do something equally bad for them. And I should do no bad for Daddy.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

*le browse*

Fashion Show Pictures courtesy of Jakarta Style Journal


I personally think that Liam Payne is kinda cute. See, he got eyebrows<3;p

So I just arrived Mom's office, and surfing the net like a boss. I'm smelling like shampoo and bubble gum. I want to have my nails done but I'm so lazy to go to the salon. I want to share my hunting session (and yesterday's meeting pictures) today in Lapangan Sempur. I found a cute guy tho! A skater with fit posture and thick eyebrowsss nyahahahahahahahaha<3<3<3<3

 Maul and Kasinnnnn<3

 Queens of Galau

kak Ajeng, st00pmi and Zizi. 

Inti and Pak Alam's hipster sweater. 

 Baby Abiwski, found her here

Zizi and Api ganteng<3

Maul&Rina's face, I can't help:))

st00pmi is touching bunnies!!! Bunnies<3

Roller Blader Girl! 

So sunny!! Forever burnt.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Stay awhile, I'm gazing the way you move.

Fudul game, again!

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed!
2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? No, lol.
3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? In.
4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before? No omg creepy!!!
5: Do you like to use post-it notes? Yes. Big fan.
6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Yes! Hahahahaha.
7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Err.... Big bear. Instant death.
8: Do you have freckles? Nope.
9: Do you always smile for pictures? I do duckface more often... -3-
10: What is your biggest pet peeve? Stupid people.
11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Nope.
12: Have you ever peed in the woods? NO! Lol
13: What about pooped in the woods? No too.
14: Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? Yes. I'm so insane.
15: Do you chew your pens and pencils? Yes yes.
16: How many people have you slept with this week? 0... Mom doesn't count rite.
17: What size is your bed? Single... Just like my status-_-
18: What is your Song of the week? Extraordinary Merry Christmas - Glee
19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink? YES! I adore guys in pink.
20: Do you still watch cartoons? Yes yes yes!!!:D
21: Whats your least favorite movie? Err..... Little Miss Sunshine.
22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Under my bed.
23: What do you drink with dinner? Straight H20.
24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Mayonnaise? Lool no, spicy salsa.
25: What is your favorite food? Butter chicken, nasi lemak, macarons, sushi, all things great!
26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love? The Devil Wears Prada.
27: Last person you kissed/kissed you?I forgot? Mom?-_________________-
28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout? I am a girl scout now._.
29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? NO. I'm fat oh lord.
30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Sundanese Exam! HAHAHAHA
31: Can you change the oil on a car? No.
32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket? No:p 
33: Ever ran out of gas? No!
34: Favorite kind of sandwich? Monte Cristo. 
35: Best thing to eat for breakfast? Nothing. 
36: What is your usual bedtime? 9pm.
37: Are you lazy? Very.
38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? an Astronaut, lol.
39: What is your Chinese astrological sign? Rat!:3
40: How many languages can you speak? Err... Four.
41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes.
42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs? LEGOSSSSS
43: Are you stubborn? Very much.
44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman? Letterman.
45: Ever watch soap operas? Yes._____________________.
46: Are you afraid of heights? No.
47: Do you sing in the car? Yes.
48: Do you sing in the shower? YES.
49: Do you dance in the car? Omg how.
50: Ever used a gun? Never.
51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Does self portrait count? Lol Yearbook Photoshoot.
52: Do you think musicals are cheesy? Nope.
53: Is Christmas stressful? NO!
54: Ever eat a pierogi? Nope.
55: Favorite type of fruit pie? Cherry! And apple.
56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Doctor.
57: Do you believe in ghosts? Kind of.
58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yep.
59: Take a vitamin daily? Yep.
60: Wear slippers? Yep.
61: Wear a bath robe? No.
62: What do you wear to bed? PJs! and loose tees.
63: First concert?I'm a concert virgin.
64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? None... None in Indonesia.
65: Nike or Adidas? NIKEEEE
66: Cheetos Or Fritos? Ugh, fritos.
67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts.
68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? Nope.'
69: Ever take dance lessons? I'm a ballerina O:)
70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? IT Geek. 
71: Can you curl your tongue? Nope.
72: Ever won a spelling bee? YES. Hahahaha I can't believe I've won a spelling bee before.
73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yep.
74: Own any record albums? Yes.
75: Own a record player? Yes.
76: Regularly burn incense? Nope, just for special occasions.
77: Ever been in love? Yeah.
78: Who would you like to see in concert? John Mayer.
79: What was the last concert you saw? CONCERT VIRGIN, BITCHH
80: Hot tea or cold tea? Cold.
81: Tea or coffee? Coffee
82: Sugar or snickerdoodles? Sugar.
83: Can you swim well? Nope.
84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes.
85: Are you patient? Not really.
86: DJ or band, at a wedding? A musician, maybe.
87: Ever won a contest? Yep.
88: Ever have plastic surgery? No-_-
89: Which are better black or green olives? Black!
90: Can you knit or crochet? Yes.
91: Best room for a fireplace? Living room.
92: Do you want to get married? No......
93: If married, how long have you been married? -
94: Who was your HS crush? Lol, I'm in high school now, not going to tell:p
95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Nope.
96: Do you have kids? Not... Yet.
97: Do you want kids? YES. Please yaAllah, amin!
98: Whats your favorite color? Dusty pink and camel.
99: Do you miss anyone right now? .... Yes.


    I watched The Hunger Games with Jeje in order to celebrate her birthday, YAY! She treated me the ticket+our lunch and for that I'm going to stuff unstoppable sushi and teppanyaki to her mouth on my birthday bash. 

    May the odds be ever in your favor. 

    I really like Gale Hawthorne. Don't you just think that eyebrows are traces of heaven to follow? I am a fetish for thick eyebrows. I just think that if a person could wear thick eyebrows so well, they could wear almost everything in this entire planet. That, or a flannel plaid shirt. 

    I just realised that I have a type on guys. I wish I hadn't, but, I have. First, I like manly figure. I don't like someone who's skinny as a stick, or fat as a ball. I'd like a well fitted guy. Muscly will be great, but if he's... Normal, I'd like him. Then, I like them with eyebrowssssss. As thick as it can be. It's just what makes a guy fantastic, or dreamy, or wanted, or everything irresistible in this world. Curly hair, or so straight it looked like it pops out of his head. I like musician guys! Despite they broke hearts in such stupid ways, but I guess two musician together will not be much harm? :)) I know it's too mainstream, but a guitarist or a pianist, even a harmonica player will easily won my heart. Err.... Smart. They have to be smart. And they have to be positive... And supporting.

    I think I've found one... But... I'm never going to be sure. I barely knew him.

    Happy Birthday, Jeje!

    So I think it has been..... 4 years we've been best friend? We've been through ALOT as friends and so much more are bests. Our clique may come and go... But we two always find a way to each other and enjoy ourselves with pizza and coffee:p I have no hope and expectations for our relationship (We sounded more and more like lesbian every single day) because both led to disappointments, but endless years to our friendship will so much better.

    My friendship with Jeje started when... I don't know when! Oh I remember! It was SBI orientation week and I have no seat and I ended up sitting with her. So cliche. Because we don't have any facebooks or twitter, we exchange email for friendster. I remember it was something with sorrydorymorystrawberry or whatever, I kinda forget now because it was FRIGGIN long. We ended up being chairmates for year seven, and got separated for... I don't know, a term or so? Because the reason I already forgot too-____- Year seven was good with her, like, We got to be the administrator of our class friendster, we took loads of pictures... Pictures I don't want to talk about. We went to Kidzania together, and watched lots of movies together. Even our dating/breakups cycle synched! Except for high school because we both got philophobic together and we've been single. We've separated from our daily life in class since year eight, and separated school since high school. Our plan ahead is go to the States together in the name of AFS, and lived beautiful years ahead of us.

    We got too much alikeness (and too much differences). I think that's what makes a friendship the best. Filling in the differences with alikeness, because if you're doing other but that, when things change... Your friendship will change too.

    Ahahahaha I've stalked a lot of things, finding the juvenile pictures we had. 

    Year nine! <3 Graduating junior high school and starting sixteen together.

    I bid you the most wonderful times ahead... Times that includes me! :D

    Wednesday, March 21, 2012

    Btw my midterms scores are not something to be proud of. I got 60% for chemistry!!! Uggghhhhh brb kerek diri sendiri ke tiang bendera.


    So earlier the afternoon, I want to take out my bike and practice (again), because a) I can't ride a bike. b) I can't swim either. So compared to my stepsisters and brothers who swim and ride a bike continuously, I'm 0% cool. But before that, I bbm-ed my Bapak to ask him; which is better, nitrogen or plain air for the tire fillers, and he just answered... "Why you're so bother to learn to ride a bike, when in the future, the learning itself won't be useful?" He always ask me the same question over and over and over again. Why bother? Is it going to be useful? Are you really need it in order to be successful one day? And mostly, my plans are cancelling because of him... In a great way?

    As an average teenager who has 3+ extracurricular activity outside schooling, Bapak always thinks that I am way too busy, way too tired. He always asked, why took photography when you're passion is in dancing? Why took ballet, when you're already dancing in the gym? Why took the school choir, when you've been in the recording studio and record actual song? All I have for answer is pleasure. Being in a choir, being in a room full of skinny stick girls dressed in pinks and hairs up in a bun, seeing the world differently, inside the perspective of a camera lens is a pleasure. These things are the reason I live, the reason I woke up at six in the morning and went to a two hour exercise ballet class. Feeling happy makes me feel free, feeling free... Means I feel no fear.

    Fear for me is the feeling inside your gut that eats you alive in certain conditions. For me, fear is when I cannot see who's behind me. Fear is the darkness. Fear is failure. Fear is falling in love, yet falling out of love. Fear is meeting new people and finding new competitions. Fear is un-friending great people. Fear... Is being unable to control the situation I'm in.

    For most of the time, I'm scared of falling in love. I mean, I have crush all the time and it changed seasonally, because I never took love so seriously nowadays. Why bother? For me, love is the only thing building us the stairs to the top of the world, yet it could be the one who crushed the way and left us all alone in the bottom, down zero. And the wounds, seriously. I never like the feeling of being in love, after the disappointing let downs I've experienced and the heartbreaking stories I've heard, I don't like being in love. But I do believe in soulmate. I've found one, she's such a friend in every way. I just think... Love is not the key to our soulmate. Breakups sucks, even the adults never handle it better than us teenagers.

    And the dark. Achluophobia. If someone spent their sleep with the lights off, that person will be not me, 100%. My fear of the darkness is notorious in my neighbourhood, because I'm the only room that lit up in the dark of nights. I used to sleep with the light off (and the night light on), but now... Being in the dark with no source of light kills me. It's just that... I cannot trust people around me, I have to get a grip in every single situation. That's the reason why I'm so perfectionist and I always look back to the person walking or sitting behind me. The dark is always have been scary for me, the dark is the keeper of the bad memories and the sadness, the one that brings negativity and mystery.

    My mom always asked me when will I be able to control my fears; the logic is, if I like controlling so bad, I won't have fears. But it still the one who bites my confident, spit in my perfection, and mock my independent. My chance of being happy 24/7 is a total of 100%. Just keep me away from the darkness, the backstabber, the spontaneous uncontrollable (and ended up, bad) situations... And love.

    And please, for logophobic people out there... Heal yourselves. Words are just better if you can use it for sharing... Or simply blurt out crap like I do.

    Monday, March 19, 2012

    I'm wrong? For hoping, or too much wishing?

    Secretly I've been in love with you, from the dawn of the days where the vampire roams
    -Adhitia Sofyan's Immortal Mellow-

    Sunday, March 18, 2012

    We can burn brighter

    I'm such a tear jerker but I nearly cried in the moment when Rachel took Santana in ;__________;

    And Blaine, gorgeous as always.

    Next Regret will be?

    Human lives in regret. I have made maybe a hundred regret and I never chose to do any of them. I may be doing my most regretful choice right now, sitting in Starbuck downtown Jakarta, writing and having one of the time of my life, going against the wind and the dream I am in.

    All of my life, I've been trained to dream of being a doctor. I've lived in hospitals because of my sickness, acquainted by several doctors, got lost and ended up in the morgue (and insanely, feeling fine by the smell of delayed decomposition and the chill of the metal desks), going through an asylum with jails in it, with insane person in each one, managing to smile and stuck briefly to my auntie (who's a psychiatrist). My grandpa is a famous obstetrician and he did almost 5 c-section surgery everyday. I've lived with an eye that, being a doctor works. Being a doctor will make you rich, and you do believe that money is the thing to make you happy. They're all true. Until I started writing. I believe it was.... 2005? 2006? I don't remember. I made a juvenile short story called 'The Andrews Girls" and it's about ten or seven girls living in one house to study. They drink alcohol and have boyfriends, went to parties but still, achieving great grades and looking pretty. See, the impossible things in life. And I continue working with my writings, by reading more, until my things now are influenced by the early work of Jane Austen and Virginia Woolf's life. I like writing, and I want to make writing a career.

    When I thought, oh, the war I'll get in to is maybe just writers block and misinterpreted imaginations, I was wrong. My parents are denying the fact that, I love to write. I love to inspire people with the choice of words of mine, and the language and the contrary I build against this cruel, feud world to live in. They just wanted me to be... Different. They didn't want me to be the name they saw under the big headlines, they want me to be the headlines (Something positive, I supposed?). The passion I have in my mind was never understandable for them, and sadly I got nothing to prove that... I want to be a writer. I want to report things and go to the field, writing about the irony about the quality of education the nation had. 

    In years, during my Mom's marriage at the year of 2011, my stepdad enlightened me. He switched my mother's mindset that being a doctor is not that promising. He wants me to be a business woman, a manager, studying the science of micromanaging and closing a deal. This... I thereby accepted. But the sneakiness I've gained from watching too much Gossip Girl, I asked for an option of being a writer. Surprisingly, he bought me a macbook and pushed me to proceed with my literature love. And by this time, my Mom has changed her mindset too. She'll let me write as a career, if anything else fails. She used to believe that, hobbies and passion should be just hobbies and passion. But now, seeing people gained fortunes from expanding their love and passion, I believe she'll believe me to expand my love of writing and sharing things. I'm highly happy that she understood the burn I felt in my fingertips as I typed in sentences and pressing the delete button to repair, the smile I gain when people somehow are inspired with my words, the fact that I may change a person view and everything. I just wish that a) my stepdad didn't regret the macbook he gave me. and b) my mom won't regret the fact that she opened her mind and let me explore the world of writing. 

    So the key to avoid regrets... Is keeping promises, keeping your words, keeping everything that held you in. Rethinking everything should be always necessary. Lived as if today is the last day you'll live. If you ask me what my regret that still burning me deep inside,

    Saturday, March 17, 2012

    Your petrichor against my florentyna would make a perfect scent.
    My squeaky mezzo soprano and your deep basso profondo would create a perfect harmony.
    Your thick eyebrows and my slightly slanted eyes will make a perfect window of the world.
    My lactose intolerant will be perfect together with your temperature sensitivity.
    Your needy act is fulfilled with the fact that I'm so motherly.
    And with our brain together, working side by side? Impossible to defeat.

    It's just that things change, and won't be the same anymore. It's no longer about you and me, or us, but it's about them, and she and him. The thing is, waiting for you tire me, as if I have no other thing to do, yet it's all I do at the end. So forgive me for not letting you go, after all this time, but all I want is another thick eyebrows, kickass smart, needy and perfect guy to bear me flowers and rub my head during my meltdowns.

    Progressing, and sharing.

    So my post about 'bullying' and B-Next Generation is progressing now; My team 'GEMA' made it to the second stage of the whole competition and I'm so excited for that. I feel like the doors are opening and letting me in to explore new things.

    Speaking about exploring new things, I watched the movie 'Negeri 5 Menara' and I fell in love with Ustad Salman. His way of speaking, and teaching reminded me so much of my Agama teacher in SMPN 1 Bogor, Pak Rizal Dalil. Seeing him on the big screen made me realise how much I've missed him and his quirky way of teaching us the beauty of Islam. Ustad Salman capture the perfect harmony about sharing and dedication of a teacher, which brought me here to tell you about one of my personal dream, being a teacher.

    For me, teacher is one of the best occupation in life. Without one, this world will be blind. The logic is, we have pioneers and inventors and smart people because a) they are one of the teacher or b) they are taught by a teacher. We cannot have doctor if the teachers are always absent in class; we cannot have lawyer and professors without the knowledge their teacher gave them. And my dream has always been teaching English in somewhere isolated with no cellphone reception, but with beautiful view and willing kids to explore and train their senses to realise the beauty of the earth, the greatness of science, and all of the things god gave us, embracing them to a different level and again, making the world a better place to live in.

    Maybe you wonder, why I want to teach English? Is it because, English is all I got? Or that I'm lazy to learn new things?

    I chose English because now, everything better is delivered in English. Books aren't the window of the world now, English is. Being the number one language, this will gave so many advantages to conquer the earth and things living in it, and just thinking of turning a life of a passionate isolated kids, that's one hell of a dream to realise, right?

    To be quite honest, I just want the future to be brighter, more fun, more adaptable for kids, less violence, and be better... With a simple, personal contribution of mine.

    Sunday, March 11, 2012

    #100 post

    Kiss today goodbye,
    The sweetness and the sorrow.
    Wish me luck, the same to you.
    But I can't regret
    What I did for love, what I did for love.

    Look my eyes are dry.
    The gift was ours to borrow.
    It's as if we always knew,
    And I won't forget what I did for love,
    What I did for love.

    Love is never gone.
    As we travel on,
    Love's what we'll remember.

    Kiss today goodbye,
    And point me t'ward tomorrow.
    We did what we had to do.
    Won't forget, can't regret
    What I did for
    What I did for
    What I did for...
    Love is never gone.

    As we travel on,
    Love's what we'll remember.
    Kiss today goodbye,
    And point me t'ward tomorrow.
    We did what we had to do.
    Won't forget, can't regret
    What I did for
    What I did for
    What I did for...

    This is my favorite song on glee, because the clarity of Rachel's voice ease my days. This song reminds me of you. It's like, a sweeter version of moving on, less hurtful version of letting go. A very touching, yet happy song. I know I won't forget you, but I know I'll miss our memories so much. I actually have written a short story in bahasa for a monumental post for my blog (but obviously, I missed my deadline-_-). Will post after this, during my midterms, like a boss :))

    Jadwal UTS SMA Bina Insani - Kelas X
    Senin, 12 Maret 2012 : PAI, Matematika, PLH
    Selasa, 13 Maret 2012 : Fisika, Sejarah, Penjaskes
    Rabu, 14 Maret 2012 : B. Inggris, Al-Quran, TIK
    Kamis, 15 Maret 2012 : B. Indonesia, Biologi, Ekonomi
    Jumat, 16 Maret 2012 : Kimia, Sosiologi, B. Arab
    Sabtu, 17 Maret 2012 : Geografi, PKn, B. Sunda

    Kiss today goodbye, and point me t'ward tomorrow, number 4.

    Sunday, March 4, 2012

    New home!

    Hello! All address with my name on it should be diverted into the number 100. The rest is just the same. I got a room in the front, with a big window on it. I've decorated a wall with my instax shots and my name tag during OSIS programs, e.g. LDK and Classmeeting, plus a deco sticker of Eiffel Tower and the Notre Dame. I've also hanged my dresses and frocks, turns out I have A LOT. Now that I've realized the fact, I have to donate some to charity (or in that case, the garage sale because I want OSBI to gain more money every single day, yay!). The last thing to do is buy more glow in the dark kits, and hammer some nails to hang up my hanged stuff, as in, my family picture, my bag hanger, another shelf for my books. I put in some new sheets for my bed and air fresheners in the bathroom, but I guess I'll stay up tonight. I'm so sensitive about places.

    There aren't many things happening to me, just that I am accepted to EF and the course will take place at EF Yasmin. I am in the same level as Zizi and Hilmi too and we took the same schedule Mon/Wed/Fri at 6pm. I think at Mon/Wed, I could go straight to EF, but at Friday, think I'll head to the gym first muehehehe. So from April (when the classes started), my gym schedule is moved to Tue/Thu/Fri. I just hoped my crush is there at the moment too, lol! *finger crossed* (Tho rumors said that he already has a girlfriend, hm)


    Friday, March 2, 2012

    Moving Out

    For this last three months, I have been moving and packing my things slowly to the house we rent to store our things, because of the renovation we want to do for the house. Tomorrow and Sunday is the cherry on top because we literally have to move out of our old home by the end of February (which is days we've all passed, so we're a bit behind schedule). Another cherry I have, is that my mom will not be there tomorrow. So I'm moving all of my things in my room plus the electronic devices we had (the TV, the stereo, the antennae) to the new home we rent for living. I have to be there by one o'clock to manage everything in the new home and supervise everything going out of the old house, into the new house, so none will fell out or lost in the way. This is what freaks me out. I have planned this day from Monday with my mother. At the early morning I will take place on the placement test EF held, at about 9.00 am-ish, and went to school afterwards to help my friend edit her short film for English assignment task. After editing the movie, I have to complete a bunch of new stuff needed in the new home (cleaning products, room fresheners, new rags, lamp, mats) and go straight to home. The logic is, I will be there at two pm and hammering the wall on my room to hang my mirror, my photos, my paintings, and my magical lamps, because I'm such a perfectionist like that. To be quite honest, I hate for people to help me move out my stuff, touching them, and in sometimes, the chance of they ruining my stuff is a very fat one.

    Because I'm such a confusioni, I see things deeper than the usual. My old home, is left out because it needs a reconstruction. The roofs start leaking, the plumbing got trouble, my room's ceiling is not a piece anymore. Because of the damage, I have to move out in a new shelter first, protecting myself from the damage and wait for the moment when the old one has been finish constructing and made a brand new place for me to live in, with so many changes I believe, and brand new everything, as my mother's decision to basically tear down the house and re-build it again. I have to move my stuff out, leaving the memories I've made to be destroyed and renewed. I believe, so is relationship status.

    If your relationship is somehow leaking, or having problems, you have to resolve it out as soon as possible. But when the problem is too many and happened in the same pace and time, plus you won't and don't have time to sort it out; you have to move. I'm not saying that if your relationship is old (like my home) you have to leave. But if you're having many problems at once, with zero effort to try saving it, the only safe way is to leave. Because only stupids and sillies who stay in the same condition, feeling the same heartbreaks, crying the same tears, just because the reason is 'love'. Love is understanding, passionate, and caring. Love did not break hearts, people is. 

    After you leave, you'll pack up the things you will need in another home to keep you alive, and throw the rest of it, or donate it to charities, or whatever. At this stage, you are like picking up pieces of you and trying to keep it all together, and getting rid of the unnecessarily things. For me, this is the hardest, because you don't want to throw away one thing because it's so precious, yet you want to get it out of your life because the thing is quite useless in the future. If you can't divide what's needed and what's wanted, you'll spend forever in this stage, thinking and picking what is right and wrong, when all you have to do is just jump in. Next is leaving in the new home, or... Finding a rebound. Truthfully, having a rebound is one of the advantages because you'll have no time to care about the old relationship (that is tearing down by now, emptying its lot) and you're busy with your new 'home'. By the time this stage ended, you'll come back so strong without reminiscing the past and ready in your old place, but with a new building to explore. You'll get started moving in the things you need to keep you alive (again), and enjoy your new live, with a new building (slash boyfriend, if you catch my drift) and much more things to explore.

    Don't you think we'll all come back in our human nature? Taking baby steps and trying, and at last, we'll enjoy life? There are so many to be picked from life, if only you'd observe, or you'd notice.

    Thursday, March 1, 2012

    Two hearts collide

    Tugas puisi berkelompok dari Ibu Ani! Teamed-up with Icha dan menghasilkan puisi tergalau seperti biasa. Disaat yg lain ngomogin perang, persahabatan, sampe akhirat(?), kita ngomongin menginginkan suatu yang tidak bisa kita miliki. Enjoy!



    Teriknya matahri tidak membangunkanku
    Dari sunyi senyap ruangan
    Bau basah bercampur lumut
    Tempatku menyimpan sejuta mimpi
    Sejuta angan yang memintamu disini

    Di ruangan kosong yang kusebut hati
    Ku pahat namamu, nafasku memburu
    Mengingat kau adalah hal terindah
    Yang tak dapat mengisi relung hampa di hatiku.

    Kucoba terus menyibak harap
    Yang terbungkus kelambu kelam
    Berpita memori nanar
    Akan hadirmuu yang tak akan tergantikan
    Mencoba pergi, aku terluka
    Mencoba tinggal, aku membeku

    Baringkan tubuku di atas pahit harapku
    Isi semua kantungku
    Dengan egoku yang telah membatu
    Menenggelamkanku lebih dalam
    Hingga aku menyentuh dasar
    Yang kosong
    Yang merunduk menuju pilu


    Moved on, but have not stopped loving.

    A great leader is someone who is against bullying

    So my school has assign me and a bunch of others on a competition from Kota Bogor which collects student's dreams on the perfect leader according to us. For me, a great leader, is someone who stands up on bullying.

    What I want to highlight here, because we're a handful of student, is violence who destroy our mental; commonly known as bullying. I am very captious and very noisy. Not just captious, but very much. I literally talk a lot in a really fast pace. And what people don't often know that I am aware of my condition and I chose to be one. Because if I go really really quiet, you won't even heard of me. I am me because I am highly talkative.

    And my talkativeness may have been offend my classmates. They started shouting, and responding on my sayings in a bad way. It's like my words are a gallon of petrol and they started to throw fire on me. It's a simple action-reaction attitude, but to be quite honest, it hurts. I feel low, stupid, rejected. I feel like I don't want to go to school anymore. It's just a perfect amount of wrath and wounds and tears and annoyed in one second. And you won't feel it if you never treated that way. That, is what frustrates me. Every single word is like tattooed in my brain, and in another ten years, on a high school reunion, they will be nothing but a really bad person who made my high school time a mess for quite some times. I remembered the words, the tone, the sarcastic glimpse of the light in their eyes that just look so devilish and mean. For me, this leads to; crying, bad mood, zero effort to study, zero passion to listen to the teacher, zero drive to talk with friends. Even for a bit, I felt like they're destroying my future.

    The thing about verbal bullying is, the simplest thing hurts. The sentence "You're fat" could make me lost my appetite for days. The respond on my silly sayings could make me feel so stupid, I won't react on many things I'm sensitive in. A mean joke you throw on me, could make me think of it for weeks, thinking What did I do wrong? What are my faults?, growing a very insecure feelings inside of me and destroying bits of pieces of me one by one. This happens under consciousness, sometimes unintentionally. But still, it's a) hurts, b) annoying, c) tiring. I'm saying this stuff when people say, I'm the toughest one, because of all I've been through.

    So a great leader, for me, is a person who can develop a nature free of bullying. Not just verbal, but mental and actions too, because I believe there are many cases alike or even more worse than mine. A great leader would conduct a world free of stupid insecurity and boost up people confidence. A great leader would react fast, destroying useless mean drive, and divert it to a more positive way. There's a thing with criticize and speaking, and there's mean. A great leader would demonstrate a better way of communication so bullying is not a choice or even an option to make another person aware of the disturbing situation. A great leader is someone positive to look up to. A great leader would make the world a better place to live in, without subtracting the greatness of it.