Monday, August 26, 2013


Lol I can't sleep.

Pft. Life. It happens.


Seneng banget nggak sih blognya dikepo sama orang Greifswald?

I swear to god, I think he's my first German local reader, hahaha. We talked about it during video chat tonight and he swore he just took a quick look and close because it was all in English. Well, what am I supposed to do, blog in German?! Pft.

Don't you think it's scary when someone who used to be no one in your life can basically, take up a big chunk of space in your life? I think it is...

And to believe that they're gonna be the ones that will last?

^ I'm such a fan. He's my junior and I swear he's talented tapi gak keliatan... Hahahahaha. I thought he only play guitar! ... and I kinda forget that he's a Man. Utd fan. Life man, it happens.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Too close

I can't stop listening to this, it has a bit of that EDM-ness in it and Alex's voice got the deep-not so deep tone that I just love love love.

And can I just say that Mom did a great job on Applause? #proudtobeaLittleMonster

And that Branislav Ivanovic's first goal this season really made my week? #proudtobeaTrueBlue


Saturday, August 17, 2013

My addiction for TV is unbelieveable

Whoa it's been four days since my last post? Amaze.

If you actually watch HBO's Girls... You'll get that amaze thing. Ugh. I've forgotten many words during this holiday. Like formality. Yep. I forgot the word formality. I'm that unproductive. Anyway I installed The Sims 3: University Life on my macbook (YAY FOR SLEEPLESS NIGHT PLAYING THE GAME) and bought several dvds, and one of the titles was HBO's Girls. 

Lena Dunham is genius.

Every dialog is quotable and relateable and to be quite honest, I want to be Jessa so frikkin much but who does I fall in to at the end? Marnie. I'm such a Marnie. All the desperation and thing, I'm so Marnie. First I thought I'm a 'Hannah' because no one can hate her as much as she hates herself but nope. I'm a Marnie, but unfitting to do the pretty-girl job. My life started so glorious and ended up basically in a trash can. I have all the Marnie meltdowns (ex stalking, embarrassing moments, trying something I shouldn't do, pouring my heart out at my worst) and I'm pretty much see myself as a Marnie. If I can't get a job that I want, I'd do anything as long as it pays the rent, the food, the life. Unlike Hannah. Or Jessa. I want to be her so frikkin much though. I want her hair, and Jemima Kirke has two babies now. Just saying, bro.


(my kind of self esteem; shitty. And she has OCD)


School is starting and yaaaaaawwwwnnnnnnnn.

Just kidding. I'm actually REALLY glad school's starting!:)

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

scientific character of me. BLAH right.

(This is more spot on than the numbers one (I'm number one). Myers-Briggs is awesome for making this thing)

One of my weird things are that I love being defined. I love being told who I am and then disagree to it. To be quite honest, I don't need defining tests or defining answers from people because I already know what's best for me and what's bad for me. I think that is such an advantage in early pre-adult years because truthfully, there's a lot going on and just deciding what you want is hard enough, needless to decide what you need. I see a lot of my friends in this stage too, but some just can't decide what they want, what they need, what they capable of.

Anyway. This is still fun to talk about because it's basically me. I didn't take the advance test yet I'm already very happy with the result so might as well begin.

So basically, INTJs are people who fit 'the scientist' role the most. But me, being fucked-up ADHD kid have the right to disagree. I'm terrible at doing one thing at once because my mind is constantly splitting and wanting to try something new. However, the precise doing and the highly organised characters of INTJs (a.k.a. OCD if you ask me) put the people in 'the scientist' mode.

Scientists are often reserved, closed, unapproachable. Not a team player, rather a leader but if they find the right partner, they surrender. They see big pictures, big plans, big dreams. 

I am (kinda) definitely that.

If you ask me, I prefer to be defined as ambivert because I am not bad at social situations. Well, sometimes I become impulsive and kinda hurting people around me but I'm not bad at social situations, though if you ask me, I like being an introvert. I don't mean, I'm a complete loner with 0 best friends. I have best friends, and they are definitely countable. I have my list of favourite people, but I can't lie, not every person in that list is my best friend. Being an introvert plays a big part on my way of life (idealist all the way) because introverts just notice. 

(I know! I know! I'm typing all the big words around here. I'm in a repair mode because I've been hurt bad enough and I just want to breathe again. You can quit now though because it is going to be a long post to relieve me. Hurry press ctrl+w)

My kind of day is sitting alone in my coffee shop, reading and listening to music and observe people and judging them.

Next. Intuition (over sensing). I have my gut. I make huge, stupid, big, hard to get out mistakes. That's my ADHD kicking in. Have you ever have that sound in your head that just say... Either a verse of "go for it!" or "lol get out you'll regret this"? I have that a lot. I guess it's my intuition? I rarely took decisions over matters and just jump in. Yep. Jumping in is my kind of decision making course of action, hence the big, fat, stupid mistake. I'm that kind of girl that's just... Easy going but not that easy too. I don't know. I'm very complicated. Some people also said I'm the most insensitive person they knew. I rarely think about people's feeling and tend to be self-centred. I walk around with a really big ego here. 

Thinking... Over feeling. YES. DEFINITELY. I over think things way too much. I sometimes put my feeling aside because I think that will mess my judgement over things. Like, it will become biased or something. Over thinking took me to (a bit!) of depression too, when I read the symptoms. I've been feeling really down lately, I lost my appetite. I just feel I'm unworthy to be in this world and believe me, this is not me. I'm that kind of cheery person but then again there's this theory that if you're too cheery, that means you're masking something inside. I don't know. I might. I am having hard time to sleep nowadays and my mood is a train wreck. I guess being a slight OCD plays a part on this too. I want everything to be the way it supposed to be (not perfect. I must say I'm nothing close to a perfectionist) and now, it's not and it's unrepairable. I hope this is a temporary situation though, because if this is permanent I don't know what I will do next.

Last, judgements rather than perceive. I've said several of this word. I just judge people, and I judge mean. In the other hand, I'm an open minded person too. Well, at least I hope I am. I'm not that kind of person that said... "Well, if he's A, he's A forever." I believe in second, third, forth chances, probably more. Change is highly applicable and it is the only constant thing in the world. At one point in your life, you can be the cruelest person in the world but after a while, it may soften and change you forever. Who knows? I like the dynamics of people because that's what people should be; a dynamic creature that changes occasionally but still held his/her principal on the ground.

As in romance, it is said that romance is the achilles heel for INTJs. Reading them chuckles me because as much as i hate to say this, I am very logical when it comes to things with feelings. E.g. Driving. I will be a really good racer because I don't really care what's going on outside... When I should. I always feel like I'm the right person in the relationship because men are from mars and women are always right. I don't believe my fifth strength is a strength though, but yeah. Nailed it in that department. I tend to be like that. Tend. I make exceptions too.

Friendship... I don't think I'm that hard to get close to, but I have 'bases'. Like, at some points, I will be comfortable to talk about things I never told people before. AND YES. I'm a snob. So vain.

Career options... There are several I like and one of my dream job is in the list, so, yep. I'm quite happy.

Ugh I'm tired. It's 3 a.m.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

What if?

I probably have the worst timing ever.

Selamat lebaran, readers! Lebaran is a really special time for me. Because I can eat. As much as I can. Without being judged. BAM.

What's the name of a person that's easily affected by his surroundings? Whatever it is, sign me up on that because I'm definitely, most positively the most easily affected person you know. 

Anyway, I googled the term 'easily affected by his surroundings' and I got low self esteem. No, I didn't mean that I'm unconfident or anything. No way man. I complicate things. I complicate a lot of things and my surrounding is one of the variable to the equation. Like Almas' tweet earlier.

I mentioned a lot of tweets here, do I? Another thing to consider about writing.

The last year of being a schoolgirl. 

Being a schoolgirl is kinda my identity. For the last sixteen years, I am a schoolgirl. School kid. A Kiddo. Majority of my laundry is my uniform, my shoes are mostly black. I have backpacks more than I have... Cool bags. Not that my backpacks aren't awesome though, cause it definitely is. My school books deserve their own room. The amount of pens and pencils I've bought is uncountable and my 'bored doodles' is worthy of a museum. I have a lot of crushes that come and go like the wind. I've found friends and lost friends. I defy teachers all the time. I personalised the school rules for forever. The last year shouldn't be hard, I've been like this for most of my age of living. Then why am I so puzzled, scattered, all over the place, feeling uneasy and distorted?

Tradition is tradition and mine is going to Eyang's place at Kelapa Gading. You know the drills of these things. You came, you gave your hands to everybody and you sit someplace not awkward, holding a cocktail glass with canned fruits in it and trying dodging every question you got asked for. Lucky for me, my mom got this 'NO DATING LAW' down and no one basically asked me the cliches, like Sudah punya pacar apa belum? or Nama pacarnya siapa?. I mean, even without the no dating law, what are you going to do to be so curious, date my boyfriend? Eventually, this leads to the university shit because d'uh. Being lucky enough to know what I want, I answered the questions easily but something kept the words in my throat and it's hard for me to spit it out.

I mean... Do I really want what I want?

What if I want to be here? What if I finally have a reason to stay? What if a life here isn't so bad after all?

Broken hearts, shattered dreams, failed goals, 2 a.m. desperations, the pain of missing someone incredibly, are nothing compared to the wildest what ifs that floats in my head, courtesy of my imagination and my (useless) contemplations.

P.S. this kinda made my day. No man can handle me? Maybe.

Friday, August 2, 2013

You had a lot of fun.

July 31st night was the funnest night of my high school, stay-at-school nights. We only stay at school on Ramadan because we have this pesantren thingy and we sat down, listen to lectures about major kitab and recite a lot of Al Quran. The fun part is we're reciting the Juz 30 and I kinda have no problem with that, I just lack confident and common sense.

At July 31st, after a weird muhasabah moment at Masjid that I never quite grasped and giggled my way through it, we went back to school. The muhasabah was weird because it was dark and it was funny because the noise in the background was some construction doing. After we got to the school, I grabbed my toothbrush and face wash to do the night ritual and that's where the fun kicks in. The guys started to scare Amel with these scary masks and being the good best friend that I totally am, I just stood there to watch and laugh my face off. Out of nowhere, more guys started to make appearances upstairs (all of seventeen generation girls were put upstairs and the boys were downstairs. I believe this arrangement was deeply and thoroughly thought, but nevertheless, the boys got feet and they walk their way up) and we started to mingle. Boys became pocong and scare Icha. Boys got together and talk about Suarez. Girls got together and gossip. Boys and girls got together and chat. I guess we made quite a scene, but I don't think we were loud, though. 

I was just started talking to Alif about things I can't remember(?) when these eleven graders ran to their room/class (Bio class. But since there's no moving class anymore, I believe it's Eleven Science 2 class) laughing and all that. We went from "HAHAHA" to "Lol wt* happened." and we saw one teacher's silhouette. Everything went Gaga. I literally ran to my room/class laughing and whispering the teacher's name, literally forgetting Abiw and Amel who chatted with Nay and Reno and Aldo. I just really want to save my ass that time. Luckily they were behind me and we laughed our whole body. If it wasn't the sudden appearance of our teacher, I think it won't be that fun. Now, I actually cannot wait for Pembekalan Kelas Dua Belas. I just wish this last through the year. It's just too fun to pass.