Monday, April 30, 2012

April: Ending April

I told my bapak about my exhaustion of living in Indonesia. He said if my Birmingham plan failed (as he put up early reminder that he's not going to let me live alone in the states, studying undergrad in NYU without supervision of eligible adult. Did he forgot about Darren Criss or something?), I could always go to Singapore. I never planned about going so near as Singapore, but what's not worth a try? I should look up things about studying in Singapore, though it didn't look so hard because plenty of Indonesian just moved in there and do things? I don't know why recently, my orientation just went from national to international. Not caring for those who I'm leaving, all I've think about is just me. Well, I know it'll be cheaper when I lived in Singapore, when in Birmingham I have to celebrate Eid Al-Fitr alone, also Christmas and my birthday without my parents.

There's so much to be planned, so much to be done, so much to decide. I hate April for ending so fast, yet if it's too long, my luck will run out anyway. I like April, I will always love April, it's the best one so far, regarding the fact of my sixteen years old-ness and everything. I didn't want April to end, sure, but I want to be able to miss being in April and looking forward to one. Of course I'd be seventeen next year; I want to see what lies ahead of me and what amazing pastry will be my birthday cake substitute next year. 

Sunday, April 29, 2012

April: Because life starts at the age of sixteen.

Or... At least I believe it that way. I turned sixteen at April 27th, exactly at 18:23, or 6:32p. I considered my birthday as a blessing, because I love being sixteen. There's this, I don't know, certain feeling when I said the word 'sixteen'. I'm emptying up my anticipation in turning sixteen to the survival of being sixteen.

I had my party today, and I should say it's up to my standards of perfection:B even though I didn't get my friends Maqui's custard puddings, I'm glad to say that the macarons are so great and tasted awesome, and the teppanyaki chef is entertaining. I know now that putting on a pair of Arabian Eyes sucks, though it looks a million dollar (as if my eyes has been surgically enlarged, ahahaha). I should start learning putting eyeliner without tearing my eyes up!

 Jeje sends the second wish!<3 Meivy got the first and she sent me a voicenote.

 Kakak Fadia Housewife:">


The whole invitees; Kak Fadia, Me, Amel, Meivy, Kak Sarah, Vicca, Abiw, Maul, Jeje, Rina, Icha, Mawla!

 Testimonial board

 GIFTSSS! The nails lacquer is from kak Fadia, the peace necklace and Darren Criss pics are from Abiw, the wallet is from Maul and the cup is from Mawla!

I will keep it, biw! And I'm amazingly hipster so of course I can't say no to a 'peace' sign!:)) It'll go perfectly with my jeans+tees. 

 We got matching nail polish, kak Fadia and I!<3

Mawla, this thing is so friggin important every morning, so, nothing is useless for me. I've been asking Mom for a new mug but she didn't let me get one so, THANK YOU! 

Selalu ada modus dibalik jepretan Brina.

I just realised that I have obsessions in life; Sixteen. New York. Babies. A white rose pulled out of the shirt sleeve. Picture perfect things. Nail polish. Arabian eyes. Staying pretty. Success. Writing. Sweets. And another million things, that may include you.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

April: Sixteen in seconds.

I like the fuzzy feeling inside when you know you're turning older in a bit
Sixteen. It's a huge number. Well, for me at least. I can't imagine myself being, sixteen. The anxiety I'm feeling right now is the exact same one like turning fourteen, but it's more... Untamed. Yes, I'm losing control, I feel like I've anticipated this for years long, yet I feel like I don't want to leave fifteen behind. No, I don't want the time to fly, letting my sixteen run out so fast and facing seventeen. Hold on to Sixteen, they say. I believe that the best times of my life will happened in this particular age; something to hold on to and say, "Hey, I got this when I'm sixteen" or "I did that while I'm sixteen", I just need something to show that... I was sixteen, and my sixteen rules. But I can't also deny that things could be a fuckload of shit. Yeah, a fuckload. I'm turning older so I think I could curse in a.. Better spelling now? Mom?

My resolution should come up soon. I think I'm going to write it when I'm actually sixteen; and in April for sure. Because in April concealed the best times of the years.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

April: It's just a bunch of lyrics that suited me.

You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you
You don't know how many times I've wished that I could hold you
You don't know how many times I've wished that I could
Mold you into someone who could
Cherish me as much as I cherish you...
-Nina Simone, Cherish-

You cast a spell on me, spell on me
You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me
And I decided you look well on me, well on me
Now let's go somewhere no one else can see, you and me
-The Wanted, Glad You Came-

It's 2 a.m. 
Feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
-Taylor Swift fest. Colbie Caillat

She, she ain't real
She ain't gonna be able to love you like I will
-Rumour Has It, Adele-

As I stare at the walls in this room
Their cracks resembled your shadow
When every day I see time goes by
In my head, everything stood still
-Blue Sky Collapse, Adhitia Sofyan-

I feel like I'm not sure if I feel anything at all
-Human, Darren Criss-

Cause I miss you, I wish you were here
-Wish You Were Here, Endah N Rhesa-

Monday, April 23, 2012

April: Itchy itchy throat

So it's.... Four days to the epic amazing, long waited sixteen birthday. I've dream the day since... I know that the age of sixteen supposed to be the elixir of your life, the honey to the flower, the F in fun (because otherwise it's only 'un', I mean, what's so fun about 'un'? Ugh ranting, Darren Criss has contaminated me.)

I've been busy with several things, to name one... It's BI Minister. The annual event of Bina Insani Senior High School. It's an event, served as a seminar and the fun thing is: it's open for public! The speakers are Naning Pranoto and some guys from Stand Up Comedy Bogor, and we have Bima Arya too. He supposed to be a keynote speaker and yes, I don't know what that is. I kept referring to a small amount in speech-speaker, so he will be like, the commercial speaker? I don't know, really. But he's an awesome person and talking to him always relief a little bit of me every now and then, regarding his competition I'm in. I'm really afraid of losing and in my head now... It's the only option. Ugh, pessimistic as always.

S, the BI Minister, I've been helping Hilmi to design some of the posters and publication thingy and stuff. Even though he's mojo on photoshop is sharp as f*ck, he still needs ideas though, don't know what his head is filled up with. He can't make up some weird ideas yet always find a new line to insult me. Yep, Brina the Bullied.

Regarding the birthday, I think I'm going to post my sixteen years old resolution, yes? I got bunch of words scribbled in my mind, still making some goals in my life, including NYU and Birmingham. Parents apparently approved my plans ahead, which is surprising because I've seen my Bapak lecturing me about ITB and stuff, but when I told him about the chemical engineering/business major/minor in Birmingham, he looks... Collected. But I haven't told him about the journalism I want to took in NYU though. It's really complicated when your dreams and your parents' expectation clash. I don't think Daddy don't mind on any of my decision as he gave no care what so ever about it, and my Mami thinks that I know what's best for me.

Anyway... I hope for anyone who came across in my blog to wish me a very, handful, blessed luck for me as I'm going to sit on my AFS test in the 29th. I just need to pass, as I bore myself in the country... And I need new experiences for my Vitae.

I don't know why I put this in the first place.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

April: My beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, baby Darren Criss

I'm at Aston Marina, Jakarta, with cousins and family (well, mom is working, so... Yeah)

I still had the same smile, since last night.

Friday, April 20, 2012

April: Changes

I see blogger has change my old layout to the new sophisticated design. To be quite honest, I'd rather have the old rustic layout. For all these years (since I'm... I don't know, eight?), I had the same layout of blogger, welcoming me to my dash and filling up my site with unimportant rants and posts.

So... There's nothing new in my life, despite that I'm ordering 50++ macarons, which means 100++ macaron shells and.... Two saucepan of chocolate ganache? Hahahahaha I'm so grateful that I have a parent who let me enjoy every second of my life. I have plans for post high school, which is applying to Birmingham University because the business school is great there. I said several notes about this to my father and he's kind of supportive. I just wanted to go somewhere new, because being Indonesian sucks? No, of course not:)) I may hate changes, but I do love new things. I'd love to go away somewhere, and if missing my family (heaply), so be it. I just can't imagine the years without my Oma's christmas indulgence and my mom's chicken stew in Eid Al-Fitr, but I believe the celebration somewhere out there is great too (And Christmas in England, seriously people, seriously). Now I'm preparing for my AFS Bina Budaya test, which is held in April 29th, right before my birthday party. Now you know what's my wish when I blow out the candles, don't you?

 One of the beautiful lines of Mockingjay. I hate Gale for going away, for kissing another pair of lips, but the image of Katniss and Peeta together is too pretty, with the kids playing on graveyards.

Oh dear, you have ruined me for the rest of this sick, unpleasant, beautiful, messy life of mine.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

April: 7 to 1

Seven insecurities: my quirks, my body, my skin, my brain, my cockiness, my smile, my messy hair.
Six fears: cats, ghosts, being overweight, sadako, darkness, being unable to control.
Five turn-ons: Thick brows, Darren Criss, Darren Criss, Darren Criss, Darren Criss, Darren Criss, Darren Criss, wait... Is it too much of Darren Criss?
Four life goals: Journalism, Going abroad, having a daughter, buying my Mom a birkin bag.
Three regrets: NONE. But if I could say... Dating the last, kept missing the same one, and not studying more.
Two weaknesses: Thick eyebrows and good books.
One thing you love: Mommy

.......... and April, of course.

p.s. cheated the date, hahahaha.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

April: I am shit people.

Mom told me to stop keeping chat history, because I don't live a show, I live in a real world where privacy is something rewarded and something to keep.

Also, she told me that telling people of one another flaws is unacceptable. As for me, I just don't think a good person spreads secrets, and a bad person is not someone to trust... and to listen.

April: Another Fudul Game

1 - Who was the last person you texted? The Macaron Bakery, reserving things for my 16th!:)
2 - When is your birthday? April 27th!
3 - Who do you want to be with right now? Darren Criss. Nuf said.
4 - What sports do you play? Err… Softball?
5 - Who is the first person in your contacts? bb: Adliah Fithri Anisa, ugly phone: Abiwzki.
6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment? Bad by Glee, originally sung by Michael Jackson. Your butt is mine, gotta take it right :))
7 - If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with? Donald Trump. Cos he got a private helicopter? HAHAHAHAHA
8 - What do you feel right now? Anxious.
9 - What chocolate is your favorite? Ritter Sport!
10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have? Four.
11 - Why did you create a Blogger account? Because I like to write.
12 - Who is your favorite blogger? Stella Lowis.
13 - Where do you want to be right now? New York City.
14 - What do you want to be in the future? New York City.
15 - When was the last time you cried? Why? Err… Wednesday night? I didn't do my chores.
16 - Are you happy? Yep.
17 - Who do you miss? Glasses.
18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life? Maybe.
19 - What was the best thing you were given? Friends and Mom.
20 - Who was the last person who called you? Mommy!
21 - What is your favorite dish? Butter Chicken!!!! With prata.
22 - Who is your bestfriend? Jejejejejejejejejejejejejejeje.
23 - What is your biggest regret? None!
24 - Have you ever cheated on your partner? Errr…. Feelings only, yep.
25 - Who do you spend crazy moments with? Every moment of my life is a crazy moment.
26 - Name someone pretty. ME. LOOOOOL just kidding. There's too much, but Megan Fox will always be on top of the list.
27 - Who was the last person you hugged? Mommy.
28 - What kind of music do you listen to? Weird ones.
29 - Are you over your past? Nope.
30 - Who is the last person in your contacts? bb: Ziljian Qisti-_- ugly phone: st00pmi.
31 - What kind of person do you want to date? The one that resembles Darren Criss for approx. 80% and the rest is Gale Hawthorne and Prince Adam from Beauty and the Beast.
32 - Do you have troubles sleeping at night? Yes, especially without Mommy around.
33 - From whom was the last text message you received? Meivy.
34 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt? Skirt. I'm so girly.
35 - How’s your heart? It's been better.
36 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”? No hahahahaha.
37 - Do you like someone as of the moment? Maybe, I don't know.
38 - What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend? Fuck off.
39 - Do you have any phobias? Yep. Cats and darkness, and the inability to control.
40 - Did you try to change for a person? Once, but it didn't work so... The bitch is still in town.
41 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone? My heart. Gosh I'm so emo. Err, I don't know, my attention?
42 - Would you go back to your previous relationship? Tell me which, I'll tell the answer.
43 - Are you in a good or bad mood? Good.
44 - Name someone you can’t live without. Mom.
45 - Describe your dream date. NYC, anywhere in NYC. Except Bronx, because I'm scared of Bronx.
46 - Describe your dream wedding. I don't want to wed, but if I do, I'd like a private wedding in a setting of a beach; a summer wedding somewhere in Greece.
47 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s? None! I didn't celebrate one anyway.
48 - Do you remember your first love? Forever burnt in the back of my head.  
49 - How long is your longest relationship? 22 months. Never reach 24 thou, wonder why.
50 - Do you regret your past? Never.
51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else? Only if the other will do the same for me.
52 - Have you ever cried over someone? Of course.
53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone? I shouldn't be doing this but, yes. I do. Sending apologises to god.
54 - Are you a crybaby? Not really.
55 - Do people praise you for your looks? I don't know, people? :))
56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t? Yes.
57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret? I never regret.
58 - Do you like getting hurt? No.
59 - Does anyone hate you? Yes.
60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”? YES! Hahahahaha Rama did you remember? I hope so.
61 - What hair color do you prefer? Red, but if only I had green eyes. Mine's now is acceptable for me.
62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? My skin. It had been burning for months and I'd like it back to my langsat skin.
63 - Do you love someone as of the moment? I don't know, you tell me.
64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself? Yes, of course. Juvenile moments.
65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school? Of course. I just don't let it hang around the surface.
66 - Can you live without internet? Yes, if I don't have homeworks.
67 - What’s the song that remind you of your special someone? Breathe... by Taylor Swift and Colbie Caillat.
68 - Are you good at holding back your tears? Basically, yes.
69 - Are you a crybaby? Not really.
70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical? YES. Wait. Nope.
72 - Do you study hard? When it comes to studying, it will never be hard enough.
73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? No. I'm too selfish.
74 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight? Nope. Have none intention to do so too.
75 - Have you ever ridden a boat? YES. FUN.
76 - Did you have an accident last year? Yes.
77 - What kind of person are you? Bad one. I'm basically a walking trainwreck covered in pretty clothes and nice perfume.
78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone? Yes:)) Too much Dexter I think.
79 - Have you ever been jealous? Of course, I'm a girl.
80 - How can you prove your love to someone? I can't, it's that someone who'll realise it.
81 - What are you thinking right now? That I can't breathe without you, but I just have to.
82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts? Aldo Octavianto Maelissa. OSIS.
83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase? I do. But I don't want to.
84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? Nope.
85 - Did you ever badmouth someone? What is badmouth, anyway.
86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone? I'm almost sixteen and alive. Of course.
87 - Do you have trust issues? Yes. I trust so little yet care a lot.
88 - Are you broken-hearted? Yes.
89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? Seriously? I have to type it up?
90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it? Never, but what is a struggle without pain?
91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? Yes.
92 - Who do you want to marry? None. 
93 - Do you believe in destiny? Yes, sometimes.
94 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”? I already found my soulmate. She's a best friend of mine.
95 - How do you look right now? Sleepy and tired, hair is all poofed up.
96 - Do you believe that first true love never dies? I do.
97 - Have you found your true love? Is there such thing as true love, when love is such a delusional thought and such immature?
98 - What should you be doing right now? Reading Mockingjay with bars of chocolate.
99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends. Danang.
100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? Always, it's the fire that keeps you alive.

Friday, April 13, 2012

April: I don't know what I'd be without you around

It's going to be my second April without you, another year since my first white rose. I know I often say... Hey, marrying is not my thing, I don't need the existence of a man to live, but someways I remember how I ended up all broken and scarred without you, and how I imagine how things would be better by my side. How I could live for only fourteen years, but I feel like I've loved you for a thousand. The term 'I can't live without you' is obviously exaggerated, but with you, it's feel so much better. Soups tasted more warm and the coffee is more calming. A smile would mean a million thing while now it means nothing. The time runs faster and the urge to be with you become stronger. A friend of mine said, you're not refusing the fact that you're going to be married, but you refuse the thought that no one will be good enough. You're scared, you're scarred, and that's okay. In some points you'll meet the proper, perfect, right guy for you, who made you do anything in the name of love, including marriage. I do believe him. But I still know that... He was the perfect one. He changed and he left, and even though there's a million things I could do to get him back, it still won't be as perfect as before. A torn picture put together will still show flaws. A broken mirror,  a broken heart

It's about time I long gone and moved on, but never in my life I had imagine it. Being in such frail and weak person in this condition makes me live. I feel such safety in my wounds and happy in my... instability. I can't say that it's unrequited love I am experiencing because I don't feel like I'm in love, but my choice to keep on staying when his world is spinning on me, constantly changing is a brave choice after all. I think April comes as a reminder, that the best things in my life happened in April, and as the days grow older, I have to enjoy everyday as if this was the last of my April, without you.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

April: Great minds think alike.

Or clash as a deadly stormy hurricane. Here's a short story to sum up pretty much what I've been lately.


Terlalu lama untuk membiarkannya terluka.

Rambutnya yang panjang dan menjuntai hingga pinggang bergoyang lembut saat ia memiringkan kepalanya dalam fokus. Segumpal tanah liat yang terbuang itu berhasil ia bentuk menjadi sebuah vas kecil yang ia ukir dengan kembangan mawar mini dan dedaunan yang terangkai dalam untaian yang melingkar. Sebait lagu bernada santai mengalun indah, menenggelamkannya lebih dalam ke dasar imaji yang mengental. Sebagian sisi vas yang sudah mengeras membuat nafasnya memburu dan menyegerakan tekana tekanan halusnya pada permukaan tanah coklat. Lentik jarinya dan kilau kukunya yang dipoles cat berwarna merah jambu menari lincah, sekaan dikejar ribuan atom oksigen yang siap menabrak vasnya. “Akhirnya!” Ia menggumam sambil mengangkat dan meletakan vasnya disebelah oven pembakaran. Ia mencuci tangannya dan bersegera berangkat sekolah.

Ia tertidur pada pukul delapan dan terbangun pada pukul tiga. Tujuh jam padat yang ia isi dengan mimpi abstrak dan bayangan seorang lelaki bersenyum tipis. Seakan dirinya adalah sebuah kapal yang berhenti di tengah samudera waktu yang sedang pasang. Diam, terombang-ambing, dan tak lama lagi akan karam. Putaran waktu tidak berefek panjang pada kecintaannya pada sesosok tampan berbadan tegap yang memiliki mata kacang almon, berbingkai seberkas alis tebal yang simetri, berjari panjang yang berkapal karena terlalu sering memetik senar senar gitar, dan berbetis besar karena terlalu sering mengayuh pedal sepeda di sore teduh yang menyelimuti Kota Bogor. Seiring peputaran waktu, kesadarannya tidak berkurang atas kenyataan yang siap menindasnya hidup hidup, bahwa sang pangeran bersepeda tidak lagi, dan tidak akan lagi mencintainya.

Bunyi bel sekolah klasik yang menandakan habisnya jam pelajaran membangunkannya dari seberkas mimpi yang terus mengikutinya, dari bangun hingga tidur. Mengingat masa ketika aljabar dan energi potensial lebih nyaman dipelajari dengan dirinya disisi, ketika pensil yang patah bukan lagi sebuah alasan untuk merutuki diri sendiri, ketika teguran guru atas senyumnya yang tiada akhir adalah hal yang paling tidak membahagiakan dalam hidup. Gadis berambut panjang itu terjebak memori yang terbalut ego, menggigiti kotak sadarnya dan mengunci senyumnya dalam pintu masa lalu.

Sudah bukan rahasia bahwa ada seorang lelaki yang tak tahan untuk menyatukan patahan-patahan hati gadis itu, menyatukannya menjadi satu dan mengajarinya untuk mencinta lagi. Membuka pintu-pintu masa lalu dan melepaskan apa yang dahulu tersirat jelas dalam wajah gadis itu, membuka kotak-kotak mimpi yang tak tersentuh, melukiskan warna baru dalam hari-hari yang sudah terlama dijalani dengan sendu. Tak lagi ia ingin menemukan seberkas bayangan manis yang usang, tertutup selembar ketidakpastian dan terikat dalam melodi kegelapan. Ia kusebut pemuda berkacamata.

Friday, April 6, 2012

April : Easter Weekend

I interviewed some PKL or wild seller(?) in the area and it just made me more grateful. Some of them are kicking ass so they'll eat... I'm sitting here, nagging Mother about Disney On Ice tickets. All of the seller answers was identical; "I'll make it enough of my income so I won't starve my family." Think of it as... Some of the people are actually choking food off their stomaches and these families are surviving to live.

I started EF and my class contained more Bina Insani student than other classes, hahahaha. There's kak Aslina, Novi, Taya, me, Zizitop, Hilmi, and Dicky. Tho the class is a tad late and Mother was scared of the crimes spreading around the city, I enjoyed bits of the class and the teacher, Peter, is quite interesting.

As usual, I brought my mac to school and everybody is maximising the use of Photobooth. 

Ini ada Mawlanya, nama panjangnya Mawlari. Blognya klik disini.


Ini sih bukti aja kalo X-4 gak ada yang normal...

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

April : Bittersweet first week.

Gema passed and able to continue to the next stage of B-next! Yay!

And they put my phone in custody. I'll write about it later. No, it didn't ruin my April.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

April is such a great month, yes yes?

Today GEMA accomplished the outbond quite successfully, I said... At least we didn't break the egg? L00l loving the Hunger Game signage Amel&Biwski gave me. They're one of the precious things in life♥

It's so hard to make my eyes that big!!! My eyes everyday is more like =_______-

April is here! April is the month I've been waiting for, I live for April. And though my 2011 April is not as beautiful as my 2010 April, I have to say that I love April, every single year. I always have this certain calmness and security that it's April, there's nothing to worry. Even though this month I'm busy as fuck. I have cooking class and I have to watch Disney On Ice (even though Mom hasn't buy the ticket and I'm like "MOM Y U NO BUY TICKET, TICKETS NOWADAYS RUN OUT SO FAST" and I'm waiting for B-next Generation announcement and my birthday party being in the same day with the AFS test. Despite all the insanity, I love April. I don't have to wish April to be my month. April is my month.

Give this a listen!