Hello hello. The week has been (and will be, anyway) tough because XI-IPA3 is practising the Nasheed performance, yay! It's the biggest gig and I'm looking forward to it each day.
Enough with the happy-happy-screw-life-I-love-my-mess vibe. Everybody knows that there's gazillion secrets behind one's smile, and I hide a lot. I'm working on diverting every stressful bone inside of me so it'll be a super strong and determined bone for me to study, like it's my first priority. LIKE. I know for sure studying will never be my thing but what the hell, if we can fake every emotion there is, why can't we fake this one. Have I told you that chances are I'd be spending my college time in Germany? Well, I don't want to go but I kinda want to go. Won't it be cute, sporting my knit hats and red lipstick in the middle of a snowed land, or a Burberry trench coat, layering a black peplum dress with Wolford and Jeffrey Campbell. And bringing a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc home, and eating greens all week because I ran out of money. The things that's keeping me here are Christmas and my friends! I can't imagine Christmas without Oma, and Ramadan without the hecticness of planning Buka Bersama. I want to go but I don't want to go. Bapak haven't told me the circumstances of me, going to Germany because the last time I saw Bapak, we didn't discuss much.
The other thing is... I always feel like I will never be enough. Never. My efforts will always be useless and pointless. It's like, I'm a clear glass that kept growing out of heat and there will always be a curious hollowness inside of me, wanting to be filled but will always be empty. And at times, they just knocked me out and crash me into pieces because I'm a) replaceable and b) useless. I'm easy to find, it's not that hard finding someone who's anguished and tired to the bones. I'm not funny and I never made other people laugh, proud, happy, smile, or anything good. I'm nothing near special and to be quite honest, I've done bad things along the way and I'm in no way to be proud. Don't you just wish that you could break the rule and live your life in your way, without being judged and whispered and talked about. Like, everybody cares but they don't give a fuck. I will never be bored but I believe that small minds discuss people, averages discuss events and smart-asses discuss ideas. And those small minds stick things to you. Labels, judgements, thoughts that should be kept personal but they blabbed it anyway. I know I'm one of them, I like judging people in their face. I like labelling people and keeping that burning hatred, violence choice of words inside of me, it's like a ticking time bomb that could explode anytime and many time as I wish. Like, sometimes you just snapped? Well, I just snapped today. For being not worthy enough, for being stupid, for being such a chaotic person, for being anything and everything I am today because frankly, if Clean Slate exists, I want my hands on it. I'd kill to get my hands on it. I don't know what I will be if I could start fresh. But I know what I'll be keeping: My reckless amount dorkiness and the extinct humorous kick inside of me.