Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Once so strong, like a song.

Did you forget everything we ever had?

I guess it's just so easy to cut off a person from your life. I guess it was never like that with me. I always cling to memories too hard, and as it fades I just wished I had it all for me all over again. I know life is a cycle but somehow I wish it's a cassette, where nothing fades and nothing is forgotten and there's no way for it to be forgotten. If you want to skip a part, you have to be smart enough to roll the tape and play it again whatever you wanted. Do you know what I really love about you? You never promised me something you never intend to keep. And it may freak me in the past because you never said forever like other couples do, you never said you'd take me down the aisle, you never said you'd always make me happy all the times. We had our dreams and fantasies, yes, but never a promise. 

I think it's the key, right. No promises. No clinginess. I can't remember saying I need you to you. I said The world's a better place with you, but never I need you. Neediness is the bomb. no, clinginess is. Neediness is the console thingy with one red button that you've always wanted to push for the sake of curiosity. I think promises would end to the well of false hopes anyway and you should never make a promise you can't keep. My worst was loving you forever. I guess it was my fault for being too sentimental about everything and always feel like I need to label you with "MINE" or "Prop of Brina" or something shitty like that but now that I've realised that it's useless and insecure, I stopped. I've stopped looking, searching, wanting. I ended up bland though because I wish I can feel something sparking inside of me, because all I've been feeling is numbness with no pain, and it sucks.

Oh god I'm so sleepy.

I wish I could write longer.

I've been on the phone with Bapak and just talk about my friends and my future plans (and that, my friend, includes watching a concert and my first James Bond movie) and he promised me a new phone if I could be discipline. Not just not-skipping-breakfast-or-abandoning-gym but discipline-discipline. Should I be nervous or something.

Saturday, October 27, 2012


OMG I'm such a labil person to make that up but it's been a week and I'm in awe of what to do. Not in a good way. 

I'm at Ardio right now, tomorrow Meivy's Aunt is getting married and she asked me to accompany her as the penerima tamu and I'm using too much bahasa because I'm just so tired I didn't even bother to think, which of course I accept because I just love dressing up in kebayas and batik because being Javanese is frikkin awesomeeeee<3 Plus I love weddings, it gives me chills and tears and happiness and constant daydreams about how's mine will turn out. I already know what flower I'll be using; peonies. yes, I'm Blair Waldorf-strucked :))

Did my German Review Paper today and I'll be damned if I didn't get <35/40. I may did some typos on numbers because I sometimes forgot the umlauts and everything. Stupid.


Friday, October 26, 2012

What is it again?


I know I'm such a negativity sometimes and all I do is complain about everything and I even complained about the sunshine for lacking positivity when the only thing negative is myself. I think I'm in a constant repeat and circumstances of vulnerability right now because seriously, I don't even know what's gotten into me and all I kept doing is picturing my frikkin ugly and unpampered fingers on the keyboard, dancing and typing and the clicky sounds my macbook keyboard makes because that's what so lovely about getting a macbook, like your life revolved around it and you want to either hug/kiss/take them to bed because it owes you so much and you just loved it and you secretly trash that new macbook pro 13" just because they had better display and better core because it means NOTHING.

Have you ever thought of falling out of love? I guess everybody does that but as a diversion, not a goal or a point or something that really matters like wanting a giant pan pizza to yourself. Well here's the thing. There's no such thing as falling out of love. Well, not that instantly. You need a+ amount of time or a+ amount of hatred because just bullsh--ts and trash talking won't cut it. Have you heard something like You either fall in love or you don't? Well that's true. You either fall in love (and love them forever, even though the amount will reduce one place at one time) or you're just feeling what you think was love.

You see, that what-you-think-was-love, is a serious business. I know they're supposed to be a cool vibe of uncertainty in loving a person that they can stop at anytime they want, but don't we wish we knew? Don't we wish we want that little ping or beep or ANYTHING, telling when to stop, when to leave, when to pack up your baggage or unload the rest? Like, you won't have the balls to henna-tattooed your wrist with tiny details of the relationship because you think scribbling the name on notebooks are for loser and twelve year olds. I'd give almost anything to have the kinky signal because in a roller coaster relationship where the fights are accelerated and meant to have highs and lows and loops and hair-touching-the-ground-then-flying-around-from-the-speed kind of love, it's very needy to have such signal don't you think? Your heart is in pieces from being broken too often and you just wished there's someway to kept it broken just the way it is now, not worse, moreover break them into more tiny pieces because love supposed to be sweet, supposed to be beautiful, without question marks because things just have their way to explain themselves in a really functioning way.

Supposed to be.

Thursday, October 25, 2012


Not just break, burn, or end brin. Not just that, it's so much more than that.

I only want you to be happy, I'm just sorry it couldn't be with me.

I guess holidays are meant to agree with you, don't you think? I spent the day hanging out in OSIS headquarters doing nothing and I just have to say 'nothing' is always fun. I've watched trei (yes, that's German for three:D) episodes of Gossip Girl and finished zwei (two in German:p) chapters of One Day. 

I started to fell for the book, and I did this 'falling-in-love-with-a-book' way too much time. For me, the only thing you can trust completely is books. I have this habit of choosing them with the tips of my fingers. I ran my hand through the book shelves on issues I wanted to read; Fiction, cookbooks, random funny books, Tintin comics, preteen books about having acnes and the hell of falling in love for the first time, or business/management. I started the business book reading lately and it has been hell because I have no idea what they're talking about, well, not yet anyway. And the way flipping pages for me has been the most calming feeling ever and the rush on getting to the end of the page too. Hehehehehe. I'm obviously impatient but I like me. 

Anyway I've took more teas than I ever have lately. It's been old-fashioned Twinings with two teaspoon of honey all along and I took them for breakfast this morning because I can't seem to digest anything including my banana/yogurt/cornflakes dish. I think this pms is running down like a roller coaster because I just finished eating lasagna, chicken stews, and a half package of mixed nuts. I'm crazy. I'm insane. No, I'm mega insane. 

If only I celebrate Halloween, I'd dress up as a kitten.

A random thought: You don't need to find the best you could have, you just have to settle for the one who doesn't bother looking for the better version anymore. I think it's true, I mean, you don't want to lose the moon when you're counting the stars. 

I'm rambling. GOD.

Have a merry Eid Al-Adha, friends!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Fun, fun, fun.

I had the best day today, and I kept telling myself "THANK GOD YOU TOOK THAT CHANCE AND RODE THAT FRIKKIN ROLLER COASTER." because it was awesome. Most awesome. My favourite thirty seconds so far. It's like running away from reality, and enjoying every thrill that you can get. That's awesome. Even though I looked like I'm about to cry (because it's so scary during the loops and stupidly I opened my eyes). It's the greatest risk I've took, more than saying I love you.


Monday, October 22, 2012

In another life, I'd do things differently.


How I love titling my posts with 'un'.

Unwanted, unrequited.

So I'm almost finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. How quick, I know right. You know it's a good book when you can't really put it down. I read almost 3/4 today and half of the 3/4 in the morning before I went to school. I woke up super early as usual, 4-ish and I read it until it's 5.30. I've learnt a new habit of posting applicable quotes for my condition in the morning, before the initial guten morgen. This morning was about disappointment and how a prince sets off with the wrong princess, leaving the right princess behind and that fairy tales are reason for disappointments. 

I don't think it's true.

As much as I love fairytales and Disney, god I'm a #1 fan for always watching their show or play, I just don't think those stories happened in real life. And my favourite is not Cinderella, moreover Sleeping Beauty (Don't you just think you're so shallow for waiting to be kissed?), it's Beauty and the Beast I value the most.

Aside from the similarity I've found with Belle, with book addictions and having a really weird-conditioned parents, chased by some jerks like Gaston, I feel like that's true love. Not love. True love. You know when you fall for someone, their personality stepped in and all physical features are instantly wiped away? You don't care how good he looks from behind or how adorable he is when he smiles when his messy hair. Or how awful the scores he gets, or his talents, or the fact that he drinks the coffee weirdly. It all gone, straight to the bin. It's the talk you had, the topics, the comments you made along the way. I guess that's the value of a relationship. Just like Belle and the Beast. I'm not saying that you should find a beast, because seriously, now, it's 2012, and any shining armour-knight could turn into the ugliest creature you'll find. What I'm saying if you're seeking true love, the physical matters should not matter and it's the inside that matters. I don't believe in inner beauty, but I believe in soulclicks. Dare you asking, if I wanted true love, I'd say no. You better watch out too, you know, for physical features may cloud your judgement on what's in their heads. I've misjudge people quite often, I'm happy with how they turned out.

Is it a cliche if someone said, Love is enough when in fact, it's not? You need security too, safety, fun. I've loved enough to choose to go unrequited. I don't want to be loved back if I didn't get what I want. There's this funky feeling too of loving someone who doesn't love us. It's like, I maybe nothing to you, but that's what water tasted like and we all need water. I don't need to feel special if the feeling won't last forever. I believe in love, it's just sometimes things happened and people happened and you know what, I feel like I don't want to be loved. Loving is easy, as being loved comes with heavy amount of responsibility. There's a certain beauty too, about unrequited love. Even if it's uncertain, it's the safest choice I can pick right now, and that fact is certain.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Million Dollar Man

Miss me when I'm gone or you're gone when I miss you?

I guess the second part is the drill, don't you think?

I'm a mess yesterday and I think I need more time for my run. I just don't think sixteen minutes is enough. I just realised that I'm a bad writer because I frequently repeat one same stuff in a same moments. Like 'Anyway' or 'don't you think'. 

Newsflash. I don't know who I am, well, not anymore.

I told you on the previous post that I'm no longer bitter, I'm no longer that person chasing down memory lane and chanting "This will be mine again, this will be mine again" or "I'm not running away, I'm one step closer to my definition of perfect." I no longer do that. I said I'm no longer pushed by the future but I wish I had a little push right now. I said I've moved on but I wish I didn't move. I said I'm my own constellation and that a star has fallen, for a wish had just been granted. It's not mine. Is this what they call regret? It's like I've jumped into the freshwater without checking the temperature, nothing  and no one in hand and luckily it's cold as hell. I think I've fallen for something that I think was warm, fuzzy, chills and butterflies and sparkle when you twirl. 

I thought I didn't see bitterness and vulnerability in the description. I wish I didn't have a heart right now, so I can't feel what's rotating inside me. I wish I didn't have a brain so I stopped over-thinking. I wish I have a shallow memory so I can put you off my mind for a bit. I wish, I wish, I wish.

I do, do I?

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Long gone and moved on.

Well, it's obvious that I had the past off my chest and head. Everything is great now and god forbids me to mess it up. But being so crazily happy and over the heels lately has been too much for me. Well, not exactly too much. Here, I'll describe you my schooldays.

(Past me)
Wake up - school - school - school - EF - sleeping in tears, or
Wake up - school - school - school - gym - sleeping in joy - woken up by tears.

(Now me)
Wake up - smile - smile - laugh - wait, is this school? - EF - sleeping and smiling or
Wake up - smile - smile - laugh - excited - what is school? - gym - sleeping happily.

Don't get me wrong, I like this version. A lot. But it's kind of weird is it? You've been bitter for so long,  almost two years, and suddenly someone came in to your life and just... Erasing the bittery part of your life? It's so relieving and so comforting at heart, but at the same time, I feel like the bitterness is a part of me and losing it means I've lost some parts of me. Well, not a good part anyway but still. I missed the bitter me (the vulnerable writer side of me).


I want to blog about soulmate. I used to be a non-believer. Seriously. I think there's soulmate and there's amish. Lol I'm just kidding. Well... I used to think soulmate is bullshit. There's no such thing as soulmate because I just think that... You have your future someone to spend your time with, you may love him, you may hate him, you might even want to erase everything about him. But that's the person you get to spend your time with, and no, he might not be your soulmate, but who cares. It's either friends, lovers, or nothing.

But as you know. Things happened, people happened. I'm a true believer (lol reading the book right now) now. I guess soulmate is the one who fills your heart when it's empty, empty your thoughts when you're dizzy, not catching you at the end but willing enough to grab your hand and jump in together, no matter what. I guess I could go on forever. Everything feels so natural and suddenly you just realise you can't really live without them. Not without-without because, dude, that would be crazy in my situation. But, it's so effortless and comforting and everything comes so easily, you won't have to worry. Jealous, yes, in my situation lol but I never worry. I'm anxious of what's tomorrow because all I want is another perfect thing. I want the perfect thing, but... It doesn't have to be perfect as long as it's true. And I'm pretty sure it's true. I'm sure.


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

It is supposed to be yesterday's post but whatever I'm here anyway.

And my day hasn't really start yet so, yay! I'm gonna act like this is yesterday's post.

Today was... Insane. Crazy. Emotionally and physically and mentally and anything bad that ends up good with -ly. I know you're supposed to have bad days first to taste the rainbow and sunshines, but this is too much.

As you know, I'm trying to devote myself towards school and my extras to make me look good in my college application. Well... What's another way to put it? None. Because I failed. Again. Might as well change my last name to 'Failure'.

There are three subjects on school that I really hate and love at the same time. It's mathematics (because it's all the same all over the world, but then again, what's so special about it?), physics (because it's fun but why would you count the force of something if you didn't plan to be a physicist?), and chemistry (because I like making potions and things but it's so risky if you're not careful, like for example, me.). As you know midterms just ended and I spent my days working my a-- off. I literally studied and open the books, re-reading things I've learnt at school and rechecking again if I really got them or not. I didn't went to the gym, I didn't go to EF, I didn't bother to blog or browse about the current happening of my other worlds. I think that is what devotion is, putting everything aside for that main thing in front of your eyes. But... I failed all three. Well? I got minimum scores of my goals, not just minimum, they're worst. I want to cry but I think the sky have failed me for dozens time. I can't cry, I can't even sit down, listing what I did wrong. Because I feel like I did everything on the book. How to Ace, How to Not Fail, How to Get Bigger Scores so Mom Will Let You Have More Fun. I hate the feeling of not acing, for failing, for letting Mom down. I swear I saw her disappointment (slightest, I believe. Or did she saw this coming??!!) when I told her I didn't pass physics. I hate seeing her disappointments.

I suddenly want to put myself to sleep forever (and wake up when everything's better, like that's going to happen).

And maybe... Just maybe... If I dream of many things I recounted as 'perfect'... It might came true? 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Spooky is the true def of future.

I’ll be there for you, I will care for you
I keep thinking you just don’t know

I don't know why you always left me speechless (wordless for my blog), and the silly thing, I never have shed a tear for you. Is it a good thing? I guess it is, because I don't want to remember you as the guy who made me cry.


Sometimes love is a surprise, an instant of recognition, a sudden gift at a sudden moment that makes everything different from then on. Some people will say that’s not love, that you can’t really love someone you don’t know. But, I’m not so sure. Love doesn’t seem to follow a plan; it’s not a series of steps. It can hit with the force of nature—an earthquake, a tidal wave, a storm of wild relentless energy that is beyond your simple attempts at control.
-Deb Caletti

Friday, October 12, 2012

(I'm so crappy)

Hello I'm currently stuck at Starbucks, guarding Jian&Hilmi's things when they went shalat jumat and yes I'm blogging from my stupid ipod and I'm going to yammer about my midterms. Is yammer even a word.

I feel like saying great things like yay midterms are done or yay I'm frikkin done circling things for midterms but HELL NO I have remedials I need to work with remedials and working oUt because I missed a. gym and b. ef during midterms and german is starting and yes I'm not using proper punctuation on this one because blogging from ipod sucks.

I know I got one remedial now which is ICT and the lesson's frikkin crappy (just like me now). The worst part is I only got 64% for it, and the score kinda start off the other scores. I know that chem is safe and I was hoping I am safe on math too but that's so unlikely. It was so hard!!! I spent almost half an hour to figure out the essays which considered slow because there are five and 30/5 is six. Six minutes per question ain't gonna cut it so I have to improve my effectivity (another s--t to add in my to do list, yay) and the 'guessing' trick for multiple choice won't cut it either. Physics sucks so much I'm not even hoping for a 70% and I hope I didn't jinx my score. Bio!!! I'm actually hoping for a better bio score because let's face it, we recognized the questions and remembered the answers and the essays weren't too crappy. But I'm brina the jinxer soI better shut it before I jinx all of my scores. Wait. I guess they're already jinxed by the level of stupidness (my brain, ladies and gentlemen).

Plans! I got amazing weekend plan this week. I'm going to watch Perahu Kertas 2 which is silly because I didn't even watch the first part but what the hell. The getting back as friends thigy with Jian is obviously no longer awkward, thank you God. I'm also going to the edu exhibit that showcases UK/Netherlands/Canada/US in Hotel Santika tomorrow, if Bapak allowe me, maybe I could apply to UK too as a backup but I think I won't be building a network if I were in UK. At night I'm attending Bos Dika's farewell party dinner which is kinda upsetting because HE'S REALLY GOING.

Why shalat jumat took so long???


Thursday, October 11, 2012


I'm here to post boring photos. Not all, but, yeah. You got me.

Stopmotions thingy!:p

(this defines the title)

IT SUPPOSED TO BE AN UNDERWEAR DRAWER omg lol thank god it's empty.

Haven't put up the newest shots.

Cie baikan cie cie cie cie.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

We were like strangers who knew each other very well.

Hello [nickname still in process].

It's been very nice talking to you again. Like, well, err, I'm lost of words.

I'm sorry for being sucky as a friend.
Well, as you can see I'm sucky at pretty much anything so it should be logical for me to suck as a friend.

Do you realise I have TONS of typos and grammatically wrong sentences on the film?
I hope you do because I prefer that version of you.

(still wordless)

I still don't have the balls to talk to you in person. Hehehehehe.
No you're not scary. I'm just scared I'll f--k up again.

I better be studying (my term of watching endless repeats of Gossip Girl on dvds or reading a good, non-studying, book)

P.S. Making you a short film was easier than spilling my thoughts by words.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Life fearlessly; and responsibly.

I notice I hadn't left any crap in my blog for a week, probably more. I'm really maximising my time to sleep and rest because I've been so tired lately. School is busy but always great; please do bear in mind that school will always be great. I know I usually say sucky *name of a day* here but at school, everything is right and everything is fun, nothing hurts and everything is smile-worthy. Well, except the bruise Rayhan gave me. Hurts like hell, but the memory made me laugh. Well, not now, because I'm still furious, but maybe later. Have you ever gone back to times that was nauseating; annoying; head-gonna-blow-in-any-seconds-now moments? And realise what thoughts are bouncing in your head singing yada-yada-yada-this-moment-will-ruin-your-life, when you're perfectly fine in the end?

I always gone back to the past (my favourite, top-of-the-list place) and recount my steps. Learning in school is nothing compared to the things you've learned in the past time unconsciously. Trig maybe hard, but if you've been there; overcoming life, it's nothing. 

Now, in my mid sixteen year of age, I'm trying to learn to live uncontrollably, jumping and leaping and risking big things. Tattooing (temporary) words on my ribcages and wrists and legs and tell me, God, this is what I call rebel. It's not drinking, it's not cutting, attempting suicide. Reading kinky things out loud, that's rebel. Not bringing a simple task on purpose, not working on a hard task on purpose.

I've been sad most of the time, call me a hypocrite for saying it doesn't hurt; because it hurts. For saying it doesn't matter; because it matters. For saying that you can get it off your mind; because you can't. The only thing you can do is using the pain as a head start on everything. Sports, passion, art, learning a new frikkin language and putting everything towards the future. I'm helplessly young, I have a huge future waiting for me thus I shall not embrace it empty-handed. 

Being sad, overly sad, is not in the list of 'Life fearlessly and responsibly'.

You know what is? Speed driving in a heavy rain with rock songs on... But still aware of what's around us. It's so frikkin hard; but it's worth the fun.

(You know I've been saying frikkin as if I'm saying f--kin, even my native teacher looked up his head and said, "What did you just say?" Lol, either I'm good or I'm a freak.)

Happy thoughts: Munich Fashion Style is not that hard to pull out... And effortlessly fit my styling. I know B-W is a long shot from Muenchen but still, the girl is WORRIED and insecure of what to use. 

pictures source: styleclicker dot net

New obsession: STOP MOTION! It's not that hard and I've made one. Going to try again soon after the midterms.

(+) Not studying when it's a day (or two?) away to midterms. Off with my mom to some funky exhibition of prints and fabrics! Yada.