Wednesday, March 21, 2012


So earlier the afternoon, I want to take out my bike and practice (again), because a) I can't ride a bike. b) I can't swim either. So compared to my stepsisters and brothers who swim and ride a bike continuously, I'm 0% cool. But before that, I bbm-ed my Bapak to ask him; which is better, nitrogen or plain air for the tire fillers, and he just answered... "Why you're so bother to learn to ride a bike, when in the future, the learning itself won't be useful?" He always ask me the same question over and over and over again. Why bother? Is it going to be useful? Are you really need it in order to be successful one day? And mostly, my plans are cancelling because of him... In a great way?

As an average teenager who has 3+ extracurricular activity outside schooling, Bapak always thinks that I am way too busy, way too tired. He always asked, why took photography when you're passion is in dancing? Why took ballet, when you're already dancing in the gym? Why took the school choir, when you've been in the recording studio and record actual song? All I have for answer is pleasure. Being in a choir, being in a room full of skinny stick girls dressed in pinks and hairs up in a bun, seeing the world differently, inside the perspective of a camera lens is a pleasure. These things are the reason I live, the reason I woke up at six in the morning and went to a two hour exercise ballet class. Feeling happy makes me feel free, feeling free... Means I feel no fear.

Fear for me is the feeling inside your gut that eats you alive in certain conditions. For me, fear is when I cannot see who's behind me. Fear is the darkness. Fear is failure. Fear is falling in love, yet falling out of love. Fear is meeting new people and finding new competitions. Fear is un-friending great people. Fear... Is being unable to control the situation I'm in.

For most of the time, I'm scared of falling in love. I mean, I have crush all the time and it changed seasonally, because I never took love so seriously nowadays. Why bother? For me, love is the only thing building us the stairs to the top of the world, yet it could be the one who crushed the way and left us all alone in the bottom, down zero. And the wounds, seriously. I never like the feeling of being in love, after the disappointing let downs I've experienced and the heartbreaking stories I've heard, I don't like being in love. But I do believe in soulmate. I've found one, she's such a friend in every way. I just think... Love is not the key to our soulmate. Breakups sucks, even the adults never handle it better than us teenagers.

And the dark. Achluophobia. If someone spent their sleep with the lights off, that person will be not me, 100%. My fear of the darkness is notorious in my neighbourhood, because I'm the only room that lit up in the dark of nights. I used to sleep with the light off (and the night light on), but now... Being in the dark with no source of light kills me. It's just that... I cannot trust people around me, I have to get a grip in every single situation. That's the reason why I'm so perfectionist and I always look back to the person walking or sitting behind me. The dark is always have been scary for me, the dark is the keeper of the bad memories and the sadness, the one that brings negativity and mystery.

My mom always asked me when will I be able to control my fears; the logic is, if I like controlling so bad, I won't have fears. But it still the one who bites my confident, spit in my perfection, and mock my independent. My chance of being happy 24/7 is a total of 100%. Just keep me away from the darkness, the backstabber, the spontaneous uncontrollable (and ended up, bad) situations... And love.

And please, for logophobic people out there... Heal yourselves. Words are just better if you can use it for sharing... Or simply blurt out crap like I do.

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