Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Pride Kills.

So... Some of you might know I have daddy issues. I never get along with my Dad, and I don't know whose fault is it, or who started it in the first place. Well, the thing is, I never wanted to listen and he rarely provided me... Security. I always flashback on the moments when he punished me for simple things (and it still hurts, knowing I was so little and frail), and nights I have spent missing him while he's out because he's rarely home. I never knew what was the reason. I never knew why he would go home to have dinner he bought from the local seller, instead of mom's great dishes. I never knew why he never stay at home during daylight and night as well, because he often left the house after he had dinner, off to someplace mysterious, I don't know. I wasn't able to ask him, because mom has a very tight bedtime, and by the time I'm tucked in my bed, he's still gone. I remember he entering the room and praying on me, and it was my favourite memory of Daddy. I have no memory of learning how to ride a bike with Daddy because he never there. I have no memory of him helping my homeworks. I have no memory about him taking my report card, and smiling because I've work so hard to achieve the greatness I did. All I have are plain text messages and empty phone calls, a week of Christmas vacation for a year with no Daddy, sometimes less. All I know is I disappoint Daddy so much, about not being able to get in to Smansa and having heaps and heaps of failure. And it kills me to do this because all of my pride and fear towards Daddy, as I pretended I do not care when it's his birthday, when all I wanna do is have a simple dinner with him because he's getting old, and I'm getting bigger, and I want him to be proud of me, but all I do is disappointing him by missing every phone calls he gave me and not replying his text messages. I miss Daddy, but he's too faraway, he's too distant, he was never there at the first place. I've mould myself into a person that lives with no Daddy, smile without Daddy, but the truth is I miss him too much it hurts for me to enjoy my time with him. All the pain he put towards me during my youth didn't hurt me at all, but as I grew older, I kept denying every fact that it did hurt me a little, it made me the person I am today. Until now, every time I have Daddy in the room, you can see a big iceberg that separates us so evenly, and I really want to destroy that, yet my pride chained my hands and freeze my heart. 

I miss Daddy so much, I've spent nights without his prayers during my sleep, spent days without he contacting me, spent months without seeing him. I wish my pride fades away. Because I really miss Daddy. And what he taught me all the way is to be strong, to not cry, and to have no revenge... A bad person may ruin your day. A bad person may took away your important things for a while. A bad person might lie through their teeth and speak the bad of you without your acknowledgement, but all of that is not a reason to do something equally bad for them. And I should do no bad for Daddy.

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