April: I don't know what I'd be without you around

It's going to be my second April without you, another year since my first white rose. I know I often say... Hey, marrying is not my thing, I don't need the existence of a man to live, but someways I remember how I ended up all broken and scarred without you, and how I imagine how things would be better by my side. How I could live for only fourteen years, but I feel like I've loved you for a thousand. The term 'I can't live without you' is obviously exaggerated, but with you, it's feel so much better. Soups tasted more warm and the coffee is more calming. A smile would mean a million thing while now it means nothing. The time runs faster and the urge to be with you become stronger. A friend of mine said, you're not refusing the fact that you're going to be married, but you refuse the thought that no one will be good enough. You're scared, you're scarred, and that's okay. In some points you'll meet the proper, perfect, right guy for you, who made you do anything in the name of love, including marriage. I do believe him. But I still know that... He was the perfect one. He changed and he left, and even though there's a million things I could do to get him back, it still won't be as perfect as before. A torn picture put together will still show flaws. A broken mirror,  a broken heart. 

It's about time I long gone and moved on, but never in my life I had imagine it. Being in such frail and weak person in this condition makes me live. I feel such safety in my wounds and happy in my... instability. I can't say that it's unrequited love I am experiencing because I don't feel like I'm in love, but my choice to keep on staying when his world is spinning on me, constantly changing is a brave choice after all. I think April comes as a reminder, that the best things in my life happened in April, and as the days grow older, I have to enjoy everyday as if this was the last of my April, without you.