Thursday, February 16, 2012


For most of the time, when people are in their dilemmas and listening to a mellow songs, I often get questions like, "Lo pernah galau nggak sih, Brin?" The answer is, of course I have.

And then popped in another question. "Galau tentang pacaran? Tentang cinta, gitu?" Well, fyi, I have. Quite a lot. But I never think about it so often, because thinking about it will only make it much more sadder, more complicated, more daliesque; a position I do not want to be in. I want to be able to control everything, I want the world to be on my hands, hugging me and showering me with positivity. So no, I didn't think of that very often. And yes, I don't want to marry too soon. 

"Define too soon?" I don't want to be married in my early twenties (the perfect age, according to my grannies and tetua in my family) and feel like I'm in burden of everything. I don;t want to be married so young, it's so immature for us to think what's good for us and what's bad. I'm fifteen now, and normally, young girls has begin planning their wedding. What it will be like, the flower arrangements, the food, the year of the serving champagne, the 'him'. But me? When I heard the word 'wedding', I remembered my Mom's. When I heard the word 'family', it just me, and a child. No man. The picture I've been grown into for almost all my life.

I do want to have a baby in my early twenties. My early twenties are my gems, my catalyst of life. I want to do everything and I want to explore the world as much as I can. And one of my planned exploration, beside visiting Turkey and Dubai and eat pizzas in Naples, is growing a kid. I remembered the day, when I'm in a motivating class with a professional motivator. He asked us to take out a piece of paper, a pen, and wrote anything that went into our minds when he asks us question.

#1. Your name
= Shabrina Alfiaputri Sidharta.
#2. Your future profession
= A businesswoman; or a journalist.
#3. What you're going to do in the next two hours
= Eat and head home.
#4. What you're going to give to your mother if you could give her anything
= Heaven.
#5. What you're going to be in the future
= A mom.

I peeked all of my friends answered. One answered that she wanted to be a doctor. Another put down 'a very successful person'. Another has teacher, astronaut, a social worker. But it's seems that only me that wrote down 'a mom'. My reflex when I hear 'the future' is not a seat in a very important company, or the bank accounts that filled every minutes with profits of my business. When I hear future, I hear 'a kid'. 'Mommy'.

But the twist is, the picture of 'the future' is without a man. It's me, raising a kid all by myself.

So here's the thing. I want to get married. In the future, of course I will. And the only thing that making me do that is the 'him'. Whether he's smart enough, cute enough (I'm sorry, I cannot be a hypocrite; look does matter), understand me enough, has an enough thickness of eyebrows. And other than that, I will not. "Then where will you get the baby you want to raised?" There are hundreds millions of orphans babies, thrown out babies, poor babies, and very available to adopt. I may not be his/her real mommy, but I will sure be his/her inspiration mommy. The door s/he's going to go into, the view s/he's looking forward to see, the breath of fresh air s/he's been waiting. I'd do anything to get a baby to raised when I'm in my early/mid twenties. Just... Don't put your hopes up for me to marry. My kind of guy is so hard to find :))

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