Unwanted

Do you remember how good we used to look? We looked adorable, strong, untameable. Eyes locked to each other, hands knotted to one's another, skin to skin, our body scent submerged into one. Do you remember how people used to say... Fuck, they're still together? or Ugh, they're the couple. It's a frozen memory now that I still recollect every once in a while.

Day after day, I'm still waiting. No, not necessarily waiting for you. I want someone like you. Situation is eating me right now because truthfully, people changed. God damn it, I changed a lot. Including you with your new, exciting world. It's not that I'm sad that my world is so sucky without you, it's that I'm not happy I get to experience many wonderful things without you. Things you might be interested in, like learning a new sport or watching something interesting in a really foreign language. Things we wanted to do when we're still we. 

I thought I'd die losing you, I really did. But knowing I'm still breathing and functioning now, I'm better. I may be bitter, most likely to be bitter. But I like this. The discomfort that's moulding into my skin is becoming one of interesting things about me. I'm not over it; what we had, it was the time of my life. I'm not over it, but I don't want it again either. I know I kept walking in memory lane because that is the only place I get to meet you, the you I know. I kept recounting every words you've said to me, reliving it. My dreams become the best places I ever been. Waking up has been terrible for me, except when it's nightmares I'm having, or the kind of dream that doesn't have you in it. It's like having another life.

I can't remember dozens of regret I had, things we could do but I chose not to. Taking pictures to be exact. God, I wish I had something terribly romantic to keep in a box of memorabilia. You were never romantic, I can recall. But you were sweet. Super sweet. I can't remember being uncomfortable or feeling so low when we're we. Well, there are times when my self esteem just dropped to minus one. Those girls were pretty. Those girls had everything I didn't have. Those girls had everything that I want.

Ah, those girls.

You know, I'm over with dating the perfect guy. You were the perfect guy. You're like, something that popped out of the frikkin novel. No, wait, you came out of the frikkin movie. Like, you were John Tyree in Dear John. It's not that I hate dating the perfect guy. I loved dating you. As creepy as it sounds, I still remember how you'd touch me and chase me down when I slipped out on purpose. How you picked me a pen, taking it back and chose the pink mechanic pencil instead. How you drink your coffee and smirked when you sipped mine, and said "It's great." How regretful I am that I didn't choose the pen you picked for me, or that I didn't learn to like the coffee in your way. How much I hate myself for not saying I love you frequent enough, for asking Do you love me? frequent enough, for not saying how much you meant for me. What we had, was perfect. After years of thinking and wallowing, I finally know what I had was perfect.

I feel like I'm pushed to the future, and for now, I guess I don't need to be pushed anymore. Your memory lane will always be my favourite places. One of my favourite places. It defines me so much. What I want now is the future, I need to wrap the future around my finger. I'm no longer in need of a perfect guy, I want a perfect future. I'm not going to look for a replacement, but I'm going to look for a revision. A better version. Someone out there, in the world, hopefully (still not interested on dating extra territorial kinks). Because in my belief, a revision in the equation would make the aftermath even more perfect. A more perfect version, like you've wished for me.