What if?

I probably have the worst timing ever.

Selamat lebaran, readers! Lebaran is a really special time for me. Because I can eat. As much as I can. Without being judged. BAM.

What's the name of a person that's easily affected by his surroundings? Whatever it is, sign me up on that because I'm definitely, most positively the most easily affected person you know. 

Anyway, I googled the term 'easily affected by his surroundings' and I got low self esteem. No, I didn't mean that I'm unconfident or anything. No way man. I complicate things. I complicate a lot of things and my surrounding is one of the variable to the equation. Like Almas' tweet earlier.

I mentioned a lot of tweets here, do I? Another thing to consider about writing.

The last year of being a schoolgirl. 

Being a schoolgirl is kinda my identity. For the last sixteen years, I am a schoolgirl. School kid. A Kiddo. Majority of my laundry is my uniform, my shoes are mostly black. I have backpacks more than I have... Cool bags. Not that my backpacks aren't awesome though, cause it definitely is. My school books deserve their own room. The amount of pens and pencils I've bought is uncountable and my 'bored doodles' is worthy of a museum. I have a lot of crushes that come and go like the wind. I've found friends and lost friends. I defy teachers all the time. I personalised the school rules for forever. The last year shouldn't be hard, I've been like this for most of my age of living. Then why am I so puzzled, scattered, all over the place, feeling uneasy and distorted?

Tradition is tradition and mine is going to Eyang's place at Kelapa Gading. You know the drills of these things. You came, you gave your hands to everybody and you sit someplace not awkward, holding a cocktail glass with canned fruits in it and trying dodging every question you got asked for. Lucky for me, my mom got this 'NO DATING LAW' down and no one basically asked me the cliches, like Sudah punya pacar apa belum? or Nama pacarnya siapa?. I mean, even without the no dating law, what are you going to do to be so curious, date my boyfriend? Eventually, this leads to the university shit because d'uh. Being lucky enough to know what I want, I answered the questions easily but something kept the words in my throat and it's hard for me to spit it out.

I mean... Do I really want what I want?

What if I want to be here? What if I finally have a reason to stay? What if a life here isn't so bad after all?

Broken hearts, shattered dreams, failed goals, 2 a.m. desperations, the pain of missing someone incredibly, are nothing compared to the wildest what ifs that floats in my head, courtesy of my imagination and my (useless) contemplations.

P.S. this kinda made my day. No man can handle me? Maybe.